How much longer?

Honestly, that's fast becoming the burning question in my mind. I keep wondering how much longer I can go on like this; just...floating...through life. I don't really crave anything anymore. Hell, I've even lost my appetite! I guess the significance of that is lost to those of you who don't know me (and if you're seriously reading this and it's not the first one you're reading, I must say I'm surprised you are, to say the least). Let me warn you though, this is just me venting..simply.

Anyway, like I was saying, I barely eat anymore (let alone crave food like I used to). I can't really find motivation within myself to do anything much anymore. Apart from being pragmatic about life, which is all I seem capable of anymore, life just...goes on. I often wonder how much longer I can do this. It's increasingly difficult. Lack of motivation is a terrible thing. Sometimes, I almost feel like I have it; like I could want something. But, it never seems to last anymore.

I find myself living in fantasies I create for myself in my head..well, perhaps “fantasies" isn't the right word. More like possibilities, in the sense that I play out various situations which may stem from a current circumstances. Highly unlikely as they are, I guess at least...they keep my mind occupied. I guess one must be thankful for small mercies.

Anyway, I guess I better get back to the drudgery (hopefully for the last time) which I am procrastinating, although I am well past the reasonable time limit to do so. I'm just glad this might be the final set, because I think I've come to the end of my tether with exams. They only serve to compound the difficulty of the already difficult existence I lead. Oh well, as they say “Life's not fair- deal with it!"

Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really

have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.

Rebirth of Atlas Telamon

So I've come to yet another realization.. If I were to consider my universe as myself and those who I care about, the division is between myself and them: in the sense that between the two divisions, happiness is inversely proportional. That is how it is...

Let me explain further.. Basically, everyone can only ever be in a good place, if I'm not.. I've seen this time and time again.. As soon as I, undoubtedly with the help of those few, pick myself up and start moving forward, everyone else starts going through Hell. It's as if the universe lays in wait, waiting till I am able to support everyone. And here's the thing..I'd MUCH rather be unhappy myself, than see everyone I care about be unhappy.. That is how I'm made.. But alas, even that I have no control over..

Am I resentful of those I care about? No. Am I resentful resentful of this sadistic dichotomy and the cold hard knowledge that, I'm forced to pick myself up only because everyone else is about to fall? Yes: And tired...so very, very tired..

So, in the words of Robert Frost, “But I have promises to keep.. And miles to go before I sleep.. And miles to go before I sleep"...

The "Honey-trap"

No, it's not what you think... I guess this post is somewhat overdue, but necessary.. So timing aside, felt the need to vent. So here goes...

When I said “It's not what you think", I didn't necessarily mean it in the obvious sense.. What I actually meant was, it's not about a honey-trap I got caught to... And quite frankly, I wish it was.. Sadly though, it is me who feels a bit like the honey-trap..

Before I continue, let me explain why a "honey-trap" over, say, a pitcher plant! ;) See, the thing with a honey-trap is that the honey isn't really bad: not inherently. And, the difference here is that it's the thing which is sought, namely the honey, which is the very reason for the entrapment. So it's not that the honey is a decoy, but it is the want of honey which snares those that seek it. And when one is "stuck", the fact that the honey is what you want/need is forgotten, because the survival instinct kicks in. Or conversely, one realises one cannot but get stuck, and therefore must stay away. Ergo the use of a honey-trap as the metaphor of choice.

Moving on, I have come to realize that I am, well in keeping with my nature, an anomaly in that I get along with those of the opposite sex much better than I do with my own, most often.  And obviously, this has led to innumerable complications (as you may imagine) for the simple reason that, all else aside, it does not fall within the narrow minded pop construct of “normal". I don't really fancy going into details, but it's safe to say that I have been “judged" and unfairly condemned (among other things) simply because there could be NO WAY that I was merely being friendly, and had no ulterior motive. After all, we (the people) know all, and therefore I cannot be truly “different". *rolls eyes*

However, that is not the main focus of this post. The reason I thought to write is because I find it terribly sad that I have absolutely no control over the definition of my relationship with many such friends. I sincerely wish I could just turn whatever it is that I do on and off according to the situation, because I very rarely want to be more than friends. And what is the worst part of it all? It is that sometimes (admittedly rarely) I lose friends that I value (which in itself is a rarity), because...I am the "honey-trap". This, is one of the saddest things, when you lose a good friend, one of the rare few, because boundaries were unknowingly crossed, and can never be re-established.

I must say though, I am not ungrateful of the positives of being this way. It has led to wonderful relationships (in the standard sense of the term, in this context) and I have been lucky to have met a few with whom those lines/boundaries have never been questioned. Yet for all, it does not lessen the sadness of losing a friend..especially the rare ones.

Hiding in plain sight....

Possibly the most glaring realisation that I have come to as of late, is how little *everyone* around me seems to *really* know me. I don't profess to be the most sociable person, but I feel I am perhaps one of the most honest and straightforward. Despite that, and I don't mean this the way that most pseudo-"misunderstood" people out there mean it, no one knows me..at all. Its amazing how more often than not, people choose to ignore direct words you use to answer their questions, preferring instead their ill-begotten yet evidently more "accurate" conclusions which they have drawn based on the assumption that I am just like everyone else. I guess you can deal with that, as long as the people you still love understand you enough to not make you feel alone...and by alone, I mean truly alone. Not alone technically, but alone none the less; because if no one can see you for who you really are, that's exactly what you're left being.- alone. But then comes the day, that life suddenly decides to "gift" you with this rude awakening; when suddenly the answer to the question "Does ANYONE know me?" is a loud resounding "No". 

See, its not for the lack of effort on my part. I have, thus far, been open and honest with everyone, to a fault even. But it seems like everyone chooses to hear and understand what they want to. I don't blame them, but it tires you out with time. Especially when you can so easily see how little they really get you. As I grow older, rather than being understood better, the opposite is true. And then one day you realise that if you are concerned about what they are going through, almost nobody even realises that you haven't opened up to them, and that maybe something is terribly wrong with you too. Its like you're living life covered by this invisible, semi permeable membrane which allows everyone else to let you in, but doesn't allow anyone else in: basically, one way traffic. The worst part is, you've to keep all this to yourself, because no one will understand.

I realise that I've started to talk to myself sometimes, out loud, when I'm at home. The reason for this is possibly because of some subconscious mechanism to reassure myself that I still have a voice. Most probably not too healthy, but....meh.  I think its time to finally let it all go. To not hold on to this desperate hope, which I've been in denial about even harbouring. And since I seem to have been doing it all these years, despite my efforts to the contrary, I might as well accept it and do it right from now on; I think its time to stop letting people see even hints of what lies beneath,  and just stick to playing the part to a fault. Its time, to don the disguise fully, and *really* hide in plain sight...

"Here....we....go!"

So here we are... New year, new start, new beginning...blah blah blah. 2012 came and went, and not even a hint of the soon-to-be-forgotten "apocalypse". I had a lot to say yesterday, but as seems to be the trend as of late with me, most of it is gone. Maybe I'll come back and re-hash the attempt to record those thoughts when and if they return.

Anyway, I'm trying to not get sick of this year as soon as it starts- which, sadly, is difficult. Its not the best feeling to come into a new year hung over with the residual issues that you didn't really have time to deal with last year. In a way though, I do feel a modicum of calm setting over me, which should coalesce into determination to carry on. I guess we all need our moments to just grieve, hurt, feel down and out and utterly hopeless. Necessary evil, if you will. Then eventually, you get tired of feeling that way, at which point you find a way to delude yourself into believing everything is hunky dory, and life's good... I hope. I still feel terribly tired. The terrible monotony that life is now for me, can be terribly taxing. I guess maybe what I need is to be surprised, to see something which I wouldn't have seen coming and can't understand... maybe. If not its difficult to keep up the pretense of being interested in everything that goes on with everyone else, especially when it is all like one big theatrical performance in which though I am an actor, I am also a detached spectator. I guess I crave to be more like everyone else; able to indulge in delusions (since unfortunately they ARE delusions, and the innocence to think otherwise is lost to me), able to not always need to do the right thing. Its a sad place to be in when you begin to resent your own absurdly over-bearing sense of moral responsibility. Ah, well, what's to be done eh??

Anyway, to all of you who don't have to worry about such useless sentiments as these, and who lead "normal" life, here's sincerely wishing you all a Happy New Year! I just hope you are able to realise how lucky you are to be able to just live life, with "normal" issues and "normal" tendencies towards happiness and sadness, rather than detachment. Also, as a good friend of mine said, be glad to have survived the apocalypse and yet another year of Justin Beiber! *wink*.

Being powder.....

To each of us, there are certain cinematic works which stand out, not so much because of their thematic brilliance, or fantastic execution, but because, once in a while, you see something on screen that you can relate to, on a profound and personal level. Recently, I came across just such a movie.

The movie is about a boy, nicknamed 'powder', from which it derives its title. Of course it must be borne in mind that most cinematic narrations are generally an over-exaggeration, most often to the point of absurdity, and this is no exception. But then you start to realise that the over-exaggeration is merely the director's attempt to make sure that his point gets across, even if it sometimes feels like a gross insult to the viewer's intelligence. That however, is a cursory point. so let me move on to what I wanted to write about, in my usual over complex and cryptic manner.

I'm not going to spoil the movie by divulging the plot line (because I think its something that's worth watching for anyone), but to summerize, lets just say this boy is different in every way possible, to everyone else. Of course, the script goes to the extreme of depicting him as a hairless albino in order to underline the alienation aspect, but given his 'abilities' it might actually not have been necessary. Ultimately though, the movie is a stark insight into what someone could go through if they were to see things as they really are. And it is at bringing out this particular point that the movie excels, in my opinion. Because ultimately, humanity is one big mess of floundering individuals unable to comprehend what exactly they are a part of. Everyone has their own interpretation of what they experience, which unfortunately seems to depend more on convenience than the result of a search for understanding. Whether this is due to lack of capacity, or the inherent materialism that we so easily slip into, is a question left to be answered; but either way the result is the same.

The aspect of this which, perhaps, struck a chord best with me was how the majority that is adherent to this gross naivety is so large, that it almost entirely consumes our race; so much so that it is almost impossible for anyone who sees beyond what everyone else sees, to really be a part of the reality around him. That is when the madness of it all is TRULY comprehensible. This is also the point at which you realize that the naivety is perhaps the more desirable option, which is ironic considering that it is most often this very enlightenment which everyone seeks..

Which brings me to point number three- is being different a 'gift' or a 'curse'? The interesting thing is that anyone who is considering the question from the point of someone who isn't really invested or a subject of the question, would jump to the conclusion that it is indeed a gift. So much so, that what I'm saying now (if properly understood) could even possibly be considered boastful and condescending. I'll reserve my opinion on the point, only requesting that the next time you're faced with a similar question where you're considering it as a subject rather than an objective third person, consider if and how your opinion differs from that of an objective third person.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be suprised if none of what I said made any sense. Its quite possible, because (like so many other things I seem to go through) it may very well be impossible to grasp any of this if you haven't experience it. Because at the end of the day, there is a stark difference between 'understanding' technically, and true understanding. But that, is a discussion for another day....