Well, before I delve into the depths of unraveling the bottled up thoughts and ideas nestled within my skull, let me take a moment to explain my long absence. It is for the most part due to the steps that one must begin to take towards adulthood, when on the precipice between it and ones carefree childhood. For I do believe that on the one hand I am in the middle of the slow and painful yet, inevitable step towards the hassles of adult life, and on the other that my childhood did in fact extend further than I could have possibly expected. So I guess what I am trying to say is that at this point, I cannot complain, all things considered.
Many things have happened in the course of the past year, has it been?? My path has imparted much understanding, some of which I hope to account for in what is to follow. Unfortunately, where to begin and whither it shall end, is beyond me at present. So I guess you, my dear reader, are along for the ride!!
Let me start with some musings about what is by far the most important aspect of my life. I'm sure my previous posts will attest to the fact that my "ray of sunshine" would undoubtedly occupy this position. She gives me strength in more ways than she can imagine, or than she will ever know. And though I firmly believe it is impossible to understand me in the truest sense of the word, I also believe that no one has, or ever will succeed in that endeavor to a greater degree than she. However, sometimes I wonder as to the true extent to which she HAS succeeded. I feel sometimes that she tries to impress me, when in fact there is no need for her to try at all! The only analogy which comes to mind is of a climber who has reached the pinnacle of the highest mountain peak, yet strives to rise further, which can only lead to disappointment, due to the impossibility of the attempt! It seems as though she does not understand how much I love her, and that it is who she is, that impresses me. I also wonder as to whether she truly understand what I feel for her. For sometimes it seems as though she does not understand the depth of my emotions. Its as if she does not realise that it goes beyond the petty arguments, and what she looks like, and what people think of her. Sometimes I wonder whether she understands that however mad I may get as things go along, that I will never love her any less; or how vulnerable it makes me feel!!! I also tend to wonder whether the same feelings are reciprocated; but the irony is that even if they were not, I still would be in the same predicament, for not even then would be capable of changing my feelings. I harbour no illusions that the words here written will ever be capable of expressing the true nature of my emotions, nor that she would accept them to be more than mere words, for thus is to be human- we are afraid of being hurt, and therefore we do not allow ourselves to feel; for to feel, would be to get hurt. And at the dusk of our lives, we find that the fear of so many possibilities has stolen from us our live; for in fear of what might be, we have lost what was.....
Then there are the practical implications of our relationship. That is currently the biggest worry on my mind. For a lad in SL, its no secret that financial stability is hard to achieve this side of 30. However, my target is a lot closer to home, and I am constantly pondering as to whether, and if so how, the process can be sped up. To add to matters, circumstances have proved to be against my relationship in the eyes of my parents, which is yet another weight on my shoulder. Though that is likely sorted out much easier than the former, the fact that it cannot be remedied until the time comes is frustrating to say the least. In conclusion, I guess one must bear ones burden for a predetermined period of time. Apart from that, I'd say I am quite content with the direction that my life is taking.
On a cursory note, I believe the alarming number of funerals this year has provided with me with a insight on the phenomenon of death. It is not so much the person who parts our company, rather the people who are left behind, who in fact are most affected and most in need of support. Thus I feel that the importance in attending the funeral is more to show those persons who mean something to us who have been unfortunate enough to lose someone, that we are there for them, and that they are not alone. Many people who have not understood this, but who have realised that there is not much point in turning up for the funeral (apart from making an appearance and furthering ones social aspirations!) from the point of view of the person who has parted our company, often pay a cursory visit to the funeral proceedings, and forget the most important thing, which would be to be there for the family after all the pomp and pageantry is done. Its an unfortunate but truthful reality in our short and turbulent existence.
I feel I have rambled on far more than is becoming for a single post. Therefore, till we meet again, I bid you adieu......
