Human nature, and "change"...

"Change"... Inevitable; relentless; a fundamental part of probably the most accurate oxymoron of all time, which is the fact that "change is the only constant". It is the way of the world, the way of life itself. We see it all around, experience it on a daily basis, yet are unable to come to terms with it when it happens, even after so many opportunities to. It is (arguably) the single most debilitating yet unavoidable phenomenon we will ever encounter.

I have one particular thought that seems to be contradictory to the general opinion, though; that people never truly change. Of course, "change" can mean many things, and (obviously!) as biological beings we "change" (dare I say "decay?") over time, so I am not arguing with what is clearly a fact. What I do, however, disagree with is the idea that people change "inherently"; which is to say I do not believe that a person can become someone that they were/are not. As easy as that would be to believe, especially given the many instances in life that would be so much easier to understand if we WERE to so believe, I do not subscribe to this theory. Therefore, these are my thought on this topic with regards possibly the most integral part of human nature, which would be relationships; I have given special prominence to "the relationship", which is that which we look to form with our "life partner", if things were to be ideal...

My belief is that the concept of "change" is merely a mis-diagnosis for "development" or "maturity". When you say "He/she has changed", what you actually mean is that "I did not understand at the time I met him/her that he/she was the person I now know him/her to be"; The person in question has not "changed", where the person was of a certain nature when you met them but has become a completely different person with the passing of time; but rather it is you who has not understood that person for who he/she was initially. This is a combination of various problems....

Firstly, people tend to prematurely assume they "know" another person; they assume that a few months, or years, is enough to know the PERSON. So I think the first problem is this assumption. This is what leads to many of us believing someone has "changed", because we assume we knew the person in the first place! What is more likely is that we simply did not understand the person for who they were, and time has given us that understanding, which does not tally with our initial perception. So my advice first up would be to understand how long, and how much effort it takes to truly understand who a person is inherently. If more people understood this, they would see that they are merely getting to know the real person much later than they initially thought they had.

On a personal note, might I add that one of the FIRST questions we must answer in our lives is "Who am I??". Experience has taught me that, the fact that people give so little thought to this question, leads to their perception of themselves misleading others (like myself), by crippling our intuition with blatant statements that were ill thought out. As a person, before embarking on an important relationship, one must know oneself; only then will there be a possibility of connecting with another, as that will allow the other person to see if their instinctive analysis tallies with your interpretation of yourself. Because people like myself who are aware of who we are, have the potential to understand you completely, but chances are we will expect you to know yourself; so much so that we will take your word on who you are over our own instinctive analysis of you, because we couldn't POSSIBLY know you better than you know yourself, right?? So, before you tell someone something that they are likely to believe, in spite of their better judgement, make sure you know yourself enough to make such a blatant statement.

The second problem is that we misjudge a stage of development of a person  as that which defines them. It is astounding how inaccurate age is in judging a person's maturity, as it is completely possible for the general "norm" to be completely wrong. So what we must understand is that the most salient question is whether, whatever happens, we are willing to make that person a priority in our lives based on our knowledge of the person inherently. Notice I say "knowledge", as opposed to "assumption" or who we "think" a person is. When you know, you know; there is no other way to explain it. There will be no doubt in your mind, that you completely understand who another person is.

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, people need to wrap their heads around the concept of "Love". Many people believe that the love one feels towards one's partner, is different to that which one feels towards the people with whom one forms "platonic" relationships, such as those with family and possibly one or two close friends; I completely disagree. While I concede that sometimes the emotions are so completely wrapped together that it is difficult to decipher one from the other, "Love" should not be confused with "romantic attraction" (which I feel is the best way to explain it). If you fall "in love" with a person, that means that the romantic attraction you feel towards that person has led to you loving that person, which is to say that you have completely and irrevocably set aside your self to care for that person. Its EXACTLY the same emotion that you would feel towards your family, and those few friends that you let yourself get so close to, only with the addition of romantic attraction. So the only difference, is that circumstance does not dictate a "limit" to how attached you can become to that person. It does not mean that it is a different kind of love that you feel, merely that it accompanies a non-platonic attraction which is not present otherwise.

Let me add yet another personal experience here; "romantic attraction" is not as important as it is thought to be. Its sad that people refer to it as "love", because it has so little to do with a successful relationship; where as "love' is the key; the fundamental ingredient. The non-platonic feelings may come and go, and (through personal experience I know that) it is more choice than uncontrollable; and it is not an essential ingredient to love another person. If you've lived your life believing that you need to be romantically attracted to another person in order to be able to love that person, you'd be wrong. The thing is, anything short of true love will fade and die with time, sometimes due to no particular fault of anyone; it may be rekindled, or not, as circumstance and subconscious necessity dictate. True love, however, will never die a natural death; because only futility or permanent separation can destroy it, which means it can only be "killed" by circumstance or conscious action on the part of the subject of it. So the concept of "falling out of love" is possibly the most common misconception to have become a cliche. So there you have it, further evidence that "change" is not human nature, rather circumstance surrounding one's life at a particular time.

So, as I said at the beginning of the post, I do not believe that people "change"; neither do I believe that one can "fall out of love". Human nature is understandable, if only we pay close enough attention to it; and it does not accommodate true "change"..

Wants, needs, hope and happiness of a Spoon....

What are words but a method of expression? A means for communicating ideas; thoughts; emotions?? It stands to reason therefore, that this would mean each word would have a slightly different definition for each person in his/her use. Let me tell you what my interpretation/definition of these words are, in order for the idea put forward to make best sense...

I would say "want" is a desire without necessity, which is to say to want something is to desire something that you do not need. Please note that I use the lack of necessity as a means to distinguish "want" from "need", as they are two very closely linked, and on occasion interchangeable words. I'm sure you've figured out by now that "need" is necessity, as in something that is needed. "Hope" to me, would embody a (at times futile) wish for certain things to be a certain way. And finally, the most elusive of all words, in my opinion- "Happiness". What is happiness to me?? Well, this is where the definition of the other three words come in, because it is difficult to explain happiness without the use of the words I have defined... So let me start thus....

If you've read my posts, you would have realised that I am a somewhat intense, emotional and cryptic person (to put it lightly). You would also have realised that I took badly the end of my solitary romantic relationship. It took me a long time to figure things out afterwards, and to be honest I think its more by chance than anything that I stumbled across the explanation that adequately dispelled the misconceptions I had. But it did not change the fact that I WAS happy, and now I'm not. So, having (recently!) understood that I possibly MADE myself believe that there was something special, or having mistaken it to be so, I tried to figure out what the difference was. Which is when I realised what my relationship with that person embodied; which showed me what "happiness" is to me. I doubt that I can adequately define "Happiness" as I did the others, but I will (within the course of this post) TRY.

I now see that what my relationship embodied to me (or so I thought) was two things; being "needed", and being understood. I now realise that I was something between "wanted" and "needed", which I guess I did not let myself see. I already knew that understanding was something I mistakenly expected, yet its funny how many things one decides to ignore, if only to "hope" for something that may never be. As soon as it ended, I (obviously!) jumped to the conclusion that I had missed the one opportunity I had in life for happiness, but now I see I was merely blinding myself with the lesser "evil" if you will; that I had not found what I thought I had. I guess there was some solace in the belief that there HAD BEEN a chance (even if there isn't anymore) of happiness, than going back to wondering if there ever WILL be a chance of it. Yet here I am...

So my definition of "happiness" has become clear to me. The only thing my happiness would require is to be "needed". I now also realise that being understood (at least in part) is merely a necessity towards being needed. Why I say understanding is necessary, is because how can anyone know they need someone if they cannot understand the person enough to see that the person is that "someone" they need?? Its like seeing a lawn-mower when you're looking for something to cut the grass with, but not knowing what it is, or what its used for!! This is why I sometimes wish I could be satisfied with being "wanted"; you can become someone that another person would "want". But to be needed, you would have to be unique, in a way that you satisfy someone's "need" in its entirety. By need here I mean that thing we all are looking for, even though we don't quite know how to explain it; I'm by no means talking about being"everything" to someone, as that would be absurd.

This brings me to my "hope" in the pursuit of "happiness"; I "hope" to be understood someday, by someone who "needs" me. This comes with the crushing realisation that time and time again, I have always been misunderstood, and there is nothing I can offer, which someone else cannot. Which is to say what am I, but a spoon at a table?? A mere implement, whose necessity is circumstantial; a circumstance, which will change with time. Once the meal is done, the requirement for the spoon is no longer there. It would be fine if the spoon was the only one of its kind, and the regular need for meals would mean that it would have a purpose; but to be one in a pile of cutlery? What would happen when it gets to the bottom of the pile? When there are so many spoons on top, what would be the requirement for one particular spoon as opposed to another??

At the moment there are four people at the table, and the spoon finds happiness in being passed around when each of those four people need to eat. But this happiness is slightly dented by the knowledge that none of these people are likely to remain at the table, and that the meal will end; at which point chances are that this particular spoon will end at the bottom of the pile sooner or later, to be replaced by a quantity of different spoons. Possibly the most difficult parting for the spoon will be the one person who brought the spoon to the table, for that person will only leave the table after her last meal. The spoon already sees its use dwindling as the meals of two people draw to an end, and if the third person will return to this table is left to be seen. Try as it may, it can only suppress the impending loss through "hope" that things will not be so. Yet what shall be, is a question of the future.. Till then, the spoon continues to be useful...

Buddhism, and a perspective on Death...

There are certain times in life where you re-evaluate and try to find meaning in this existence. This is not so much the practical thing to do, as it is more a reaction to circumstance. So, by way of introduction, suffice it to to say that this is one such time (I refrain from explaining further in respect of another's privacy, for reasons that I'd rather not try to explain). I also say at the outset that this is merely my view, and anyone is free to disagree as they please; what I do not want is a psychoanalysis of what is to come, because its a personal perspective. If you agree and feel there is something positive in what is said, you are free to take whatever this has to offer. If you do not, please respect my wishes not to merit opinion, and forget you read this.

I'm not entirely sure I can be said to be of a particular religious persuasion. What I WILL say, though, is that Buddhism or the teachings of Lord Buddha (I say Lord here as a mark of respect for one who I feel has understood Life) is the one philosophy I agree with. You will note that I say "agree" here instead of "believe", because that is what it is; I agree with how he saw things. What my understanding of the concept and teachings of Lord Buddha is that it is an analysis of what IS, rather than the REASON for the way things are. In essence, his teachings embody understanding of our surroundings in every sense of the word, without trying to find a MEANING to existence. Therefore, the very statement "I believe in Buddhism" is a clear indication that the concept has not been understood. I am by no means criticizing Buddhists who think so, merely observing a misunderstanding. "Belief" means acceptance with the lack of proof, and the perceived requirement of proof itself is indicative of a misunderstanding. Lord Buddha advocated UNDERSTANDING, not BELIEF. And this he taught through awareness, which is the analysis of things as they are; as in present tense. There is nothing to BELIEVE, but rather to UNDERSTAND and BE AWARE of. That is why Buddhism is not a religion, but a philosophy. True, belief in his teachings will lead to a better life, which in turn will lead to progression towards the truth; however, the problem lies in the fact that belief is trying to gain understanding through another's perspective. My view is that Lord Buddha understood this eventuality as well, which is why he used simple examples to illustrate, and went a step further to state what he saw as correct. But the true principle unfortunately eludes most of us.

Here is my view of Life (which, I will admit, has stemmed from the teachings of Lord Buddha, but which at some point deviated and became my own personal experience). Life is inexplicable, in the sense I cannot explain what Life is to you. I can only know what Life means to ME, as life itself is a personal and solitary journey. So to understand Life, one must understand it for oneself. By "understand", I do not by any means imply that there is a PURPOSE. On the contrary, there is no purpose to life. There is, though, a reason. And the reason is (to me) the capacity to "feel". Feeling is an inexplicable thing, though at times one can make another understand that feeling through the inducement of similar thought. The reason for feeling is in turn, the attachments we form. Attachment comes in many ways and forms, be it material attachment to physical items, to attachments we form with our family and friends. The key, I believe, is the understanding of the futility of such attachments; that there is no REASON for attachment in terms of one's existence, and that attachments are made to be broken. Once one can truly comprehend the meaning of this, the necessity to form attachments ceases to exist. This in turn leads to one's "being" having no more reason to continue in the endless cycle of Life, which in turn leads to the conclusion of one's existence. This, I believe is what Lord Buddha termed "Nirvana", and which I believe Christians call "Heaven", and so on...

And now to the all important question; I'm sure you are asking where in this cycle do I fit? Even as you ask, I'm sure you have come to a conclusion as to where you think I believe myself to fit, which I'm sure you have already concluded is going to be wrong. I shall not comment on this, but rather just tell you where I think I fit; I would fit in the category of knowing what I NEED to understand, but still not being able to comprehend it. I have yet to understand the true futility of attachment, as I still feel that that is my "purpose". I have come to terms, to some extent, with the finite nature of attachment, but only as a means of dealing with the inevitable end to it. I still cannot avoid attachment, as I still cannot comprehend the unnecessary nature of it, to not feel the need to form it. So that is where I think I fit. I will leave it at that.

And finally, the main reason that sparked this post- the all important end to a phase in the cycle of Life. This is what we call "Death". Many cultures, religions and philosophies attempt to season us to this impending end, yet the concept of attachment and the lack of understanding is yet to let us open our eyes. I write as one who is well aware, for all his apparent understanding, that he is among the blind. But Life is an effective, albeit harsh, teacher and it has led to my contemplation of the subject often. It is my understanding that life is merely a phase in the journey towards the conclusion of our individual existence. I don't agree with the concept of "hell" or at least in the concept of "regression" on that journey. I merely understand that there is action and reaction within the phase of life, and that is what we call "Karma and Effect". It does not stretch from one life to the next, apart from deciding to what degree one progresses towards the conclusion of one's existence. Once we experience and understand something, it cannot be undone; which means that our actions in the phase of life is either a step forward, or us standing still. It is true that if you intentionally cause harm to another, the imbalance created will be corrected by harm coming our way, but that is it; nothing lost,nothing gained. In short, creatin a negative impact on another's existence is an exercise in futility.

So where does all this lead? Well, my final thoughts (to which all this was background), is that our conscious existence and attachments are limited to each phase in our journey, a phase which we call "Life". We form attachments, we let ourselves be controlled by our emotions, we learn... In short, we live. Death is merely another beginning to another existence, which means that which we had to offer and that which we had to learn in that particular phase is completed. Once the lesson is learnt, and those lessons we have brought with us have been taught, we move on. To another existence, to another lesson, to another class. It is for those of us who are left, in that phase where the attachment was formed, to come to terms with the void created, to learn the lessons we have yet to learn, and to teach the lessons we came to teach; It is those of us, to struggle to come to terms with the fact that Death is but a beginning for the person departed. The comprehension in itself is an personal experience, which cannot be shouldered by another (believe me, I have been there, wishing this wasn't so). My only hope is that this may be some sort of comfort to anyone who has had to go through this, by way of helping them understand; and I hope that I will also be among those capable of seeing things in this light when the inevitable happens.

Finally, this post is dedicated to all those who have lost someone near and dear to them, in whichever way that may be. Just remember, you are not alone.............

Musings on female self-esteem....

So yet another issue which I feel is in severe need of examination, is the self esteem of women; I would like to mention here that I will be narrating the perspective of a guy, with which I'm sure most guys DO agree, at the very least subconsciously. If they don't, that is merely because they feel it not "becoming" of a man to admit feelings like these! ;)

I have always found it to be a lost cause trying to explain to women that they are beautiful as they are, and that they do not need to feel that they are not. I understand that there are some who are actually "blessed" (or is it cursed?) with "beauty" which is more widely accepted than others, but what I find unfathomable is how even THEY have issues with their self esteem!! This has made me analyse the issue from the valuable perspective of the male, who (admittedly or otherwise!) is the main reason that women feel the need to be beautiful.

Before I go further, a few clarifications to be made- if you are the type of girl who is looking for the attention of men everywhere you go, this article (from the conclusion of this paragraph onwards) will be of little value to you. I am by no means passing judgement, just stating that this is more relevant for those who are looking for that one person who they can share the rest of their lives with. Such attention can indeed only be gained by what you have been told that guys "look for", and frankly I don't think it's worth the effort or even much thought to be honest. So my advice?? Don't bother, because it's not worth it! As a guy, who is incapable of ignoring true physical beauty (albeit in much less absurd proportions than what magazines would have you believe!!), I know that if the roles were reversed, I would not bother or try to get the kind of attention I find myself giving, in that situation, because its not really that great. Not that this kind of attention is vulgar (though I'm sure it DOES on occasion attract THAT sort of attention as well!!); just that it's not really worth the effort it takes to gain it, if indeed you do take a lot of effort to. Remember, if it takes no effort at all, there is yet another problem in the wings; that you will be viewed for what you SEEM to be than who you are, which will eventually lead to complications.

If, however, you are a woman who wants to look good to attract the right kind of attention, the attention that we give when we are really interested in you, and start to not see anyone else but you, and start to feel the that we've found what we were looking for, then I am definitely talking to you. I have been that guy, and having been that guy , let me tell you what you should do; STOP!! You have to realise that there is nothing you need to DO or BE to catch our attention. We are not going to give up seriously looking at another woman as potential candidates to share the rest of our lives with, simply on an impression that we might get initially. What is important is that we will see you for who you are if you let us, and our initial impression has no bearing on our feelings towards you before or after we make that choice. We may oogle at a woman we call consider "hot" or "sexy" (translation- "slutty" in your language!!;)), or "pretty" or "cute", but it will only be a fleeting thing; we are not seriously considering them for anything long term (I'm not oblivious to the short-term angle to this situation!!). However, when we fall in love, we will see no-one BUT you. We may have said it before, and if you somehow feel you want someone else and we are forced to look elsewhere, we may say it to someone else as well; but it is completely true, at the time we say it, and will remain so as long as you choose to accept our undying devotion (which, incidentally, we ARE capable of!!). I'm not saying we will be totally unable to admire another women who is physically attractive, but what I AM saying is it will have become a disconnected third-person view, as we might see a beautiful painting. This other woman or women hold no ATTRACTIVE appeal to us anymore. So what I'm saying is looks and first impressions don't really have any bearing on the way we can, or will feel about you in the future; so please, stop putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety about how you look, or appear! We ARE capable of looking past all that, and we DO in fact do just that when we meet you. The important thing is that we connect with you, and if we connect with you to the level that we DO in fact feel we can fall in love with you, looks and impressions will have NOTHING to do with it. And if and when we DO fall in love with you, you will become the most stunningly gorgeous, the most capable and the most amazing woman we have ever met, and this will NEVER change; even after years of monotony, pregnancy fat, constant nagging, seeing you at your worst, or even after seeing you every day for the rest of our lives! So please don't be insensitive enough to tell us that what we think does not count, because it hurts for us to think that our opinion is not the most important to you, which in turn makes us feel inadequate. When you disregard our approval in favor of other's, we are wonder why it would matter so much to you, if we barely notice anyone else but you. So if you feel that way, might I suggest that you take the time to seriously re-evaluate what it means, that our perception of you is not that important to you?

I think in essence what I'm trying to say is that you are indeed beautiful, and there will be someone who will see it, and be completely content to be with you for it. Don't try to alter your natural beauty unnecessarily, because it will make us fall for who you SEEM to be, which will most certainly end up hurting either or both. And even if you (like most women!) are not satisfied with that, my question is- what does it matter?? So what if there are people who you think look better than you?? So what if some people don't think you are beautiful? So what if you feel you don't fall into the norm of what people think is beauty??SO WHAT?? I don't think I fall into any particular norm myself, but I never worry about it. I have other worries, but that is a whole different topic entirely. Why would you worry about something that has no bearing on what you are looking for? And if there is indeed at least one (or maybe more than one) person who will admire YOUR beauty as it is, and who has been looking for exactly that kind of beauty, does it matter what the majority think??

And I'm sure you've heard it before, but NEVER believe a magazine. It is not fact, it is fiction. We do not like size zero figures (unless you are that naturally!!), we do NOT care what size or shape your breasts are, we are not particularly worried that your hips to midriff ratio is not that of a hourglass, nor how big or shapely your posterior is, and we do NOT think that "fashion" always (if EVER) looks good. We know you may have "tires" or "love handles", or weight in the wrong places, and some of us even expect (dare I say appreciate??) hair (you heard me!!) in all the places that they are supposed to be (ok, so MAYBE with the exception of legs in MY case!!:D). The point is, it DOES NOT matter, so don't let anyone tell you any different. Be yourself, and don't care too much about what others think. Because I can guarantee you that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for you, and your impression that you need to do something more to find that person is redundant. Just concentrate on a honest and straightforward impression of yourself, and let fate do the rest!!

I'm hoping that being a guy, me saying this will mean more than coming from the many women I'm sure have said the same thing in different ways. And to all the women who can relate, here's to YOU!!:)

The Bicentennial Man, a Master’s thesis, Programmable Evolution and the Apocalypse....

Yes, I know, the topic is seemingly so random; what the HELL am I on about one may think?? Where exactly is the connection in these four seemingly random things?? Well, if you decided to bear with me, let me explain...

Just the other day I was out judging some debates; which, in spite of making me feel old, generally serves as a means for meeting interesting and diverse people who (like myself!) somehow find themselves judging debates (of all things!) on a Sunday morning. One such conversation is what led to this post....

I was speaking to the one person out of the lot of us who is not in the field of Law. Incidentally, it turned out that he had completed his Master’s thesis on the theoretical simulation of Artificial Intelligence. This has, incidentally, been a topic that has always caught my imagination, and that is what re-ignited this train of thought.

The concept of simulation of Artificial Intelligence has indeed intrigued me from the beginning, as I’m sure it has so many others. I should mention here that by AI I am not talking about programmable systems which masquerade as AI, but rather AI in its truest form- the artificial reproduction of Intelligence; the ability to actually think in the same capacity as a Human (which we believe to be the highest “intelligence”, which is arguable!). This particular person, who I consider to be a genius of sorts, has (as far as is my understanding) forwarded the idea that AI may be achieved by arranging basic circuits that stimulate human neurons in a particularly intricate, yet dynamic pattern. In short, it is his idea that in the pattern lays the simulation of intelligence. His thesis is of course far more complex than I care to elaborate on, if I indeed CAN, so I shall stop at the basic principle. This is in fact an interesting and THEORETICALLY plausible idea, albeit seemingly not practically viable. But it is indeed a thought in the right direction, considering the progress up to date. However, as I have no academic knowledge to support my ideas, from here on I will continue on an entirely unsupported and unsubstantiated basis.

In my many (useless!) ponderings on the subject, my idea is that evolution is what would be required if we were to re-create intelligence artificially. It is of course nothing more than a general idea, but in simulating evolution, we should be able to achieve artificial intelligence in its truest form eventually. And this is where the movie “The Bicentennial Man” comes in...

If you have not watched it, and if you are in fact fascinated with the whole concept of AI as I am, I suggest you watch it. It is a movie that beautifully encapsulates what it is to be human, and how the finite nature of our existence plays a fundamental role in our humanity. Rather than delve into the nitty-gritty’s of Artificial Intelligence itself, the movie chooses to focus more on the implication of AI once it has been successfully achieved. In my humble opinion, it has done a wonderful job.

This in turn led me to the last and most disturbing realisation- how useless and potentially devastating such a success would be on humanity. Honestly, why would we spend so much time, effort and resources in trying to develop something which nature has successfully produced for eons? And is it not disturbing, to associate “Artificial” and “Intelligent” together? In essence, we would be creating something that, once created, would be beyond our control. I’ve heard many theories on the Apocalypse, but I’m starting to believe that success in this fruitless and un-necessary endeavour of achieving Artificial intelligence sounds by far the most possible end to the world (our world) as we know it!

So there you have it, my theory on the Apocalypse! :)

A small insight into my personality....

SO I realised that while I’ve been quite explicit on certain issues I’ve analyzed, that there is very little on here about me. This, of course, stems from yet another......wait for it........realisation!!:D (I know, enough already, right?? ;)ROFL!)

I’m not going into a lengthy discussion of explaining myself, rather I’m going into a lengthy discussion of one particular thing. People who know me have probably noticed this, and would probably go “Like DUH!!” but the truth is, till it’s said, I doubt anyone quite put a finger on it.....

I’m generally a very patient person, and there isn’t much that gets under my skin. There is one particular thing though- and that is when people either lie, or hide the truth from me. I take it as a personal insult to my intelligence, my rationality, and further as making decisions for me (which, incidentally, is something ELSE I loathe!). How is it equal to a decision made on my behalf? Well, simply, because the decision not to tell me something (especially when I DIERECTLY ask about it!) is made on the basis that that person feels they know how I would react; that they know what is better for me; so much so that they know even better than ME whether I will want to know, or if I SHOULD know. I personally think that if it’s something which relates to me, I have a right to know. If I directly ask someone about something that directly affects me, I feel they should be obliged to tell me. It is a continuous nagging itch in my side, when such a thing happens. I think time and time again I have proven that I’m more rational than average, that people NEVER quite expect my reaction, and that telling me generally (and surprisingly!) improves the situation rather than complicates it. And on occasion, not telling me has proven to be the CAUSE of the problem, to the extent that if I was told before, unnecessary tension and stress could have been avoided. So, what I cannot fathom is why people would not TELL me straight, what exactly is going on!!

And who, when they do this, annoy me the most you may ask?? Well, ironically, the people who are closest to me!! Of course it’s easy to forgive them when they had my interests at heart, and when they’ve properly gauged my reaction. I, of course, can’t blame those people who do not know me for not telling me things straight up, because (evidently!) they don’t know me!!:P But, those few who I’d give life and limb for?? Who I’d walk through hell and back for?? It is so hard to forgive them. Sometimes I wish they would understand that the very fact that I will always be there for them in almost any capacity they’d need me, is the very reason that they shouldn’t be worried about being brutally honest and straight with me!

Sometimes, all it takes is the plain, unadulterated truth to solve a problem, which exists because of the lack or withholding of information. I appreciate that some things seem like they cannot be told, and sometimes you want to deny the truth simply because you cannot justify it to yourself. But there are times in life where we must share our burdens with others, and maybe, just maybe, they will understand, forgive and accept you for who you are. Sometime, that which you think is a grave mistake, or an unimaginable wrong, may be something that needn’t have worried you, once shared. And sometimes, there will be people who will support you whenever you need them, and your only fault will have been that you didn’t trust them. Sometime, there will be people who will make everything ok, as long as you trust your feelings and intimate naked moments with them. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I’d like to think that sometimes, to a very small group of people, I AM that person. There is nothing that saddens me more, in the spirit of being misunderstood, than when I’m not seen to be that person by those few..... There is nothing that I could wish for more, than that I could change that. But as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!! (Rue full smile!)

Direction, purpose and understanding..

As usual, here I am again, due to my never-ending train of thought.. Since the reasons for the thoughts themselves are of no consequence, I guess I shall not waste time on such trivial matters and get straight to the point (or rather, as 'straight' to the point as is possible with me!)

I guess I always knew this, yet it has become startlingly clear in the recent past. We always search for a purpose, for a niche we fit into. I'm not sure if we all know it inherently and are just blinded by the mundane, but now that I see it, I realise I knew it all along.

It is startling how much we know, yet are not aware of, which is another realisation in itself!

I am the colloquial manifestation of a 'freak'- an anomaly. Something that cannont be understood, because it is different to what is normal, or rather, what is normal for a human. I've always lived my life feeling out of place, unable to quite fit in. Its not even funny how many times, and through how many lips I've heard words similar to 'you're different' or 'you don't count' when I point out that my behaviour contradicts a generalization that was just made. I'm also sure that if anyone who knows me reads this, while they will be denying this consciously, a tiny voice at the back of their heads will echo the truth in these words. Because to know me is to know this is true. I am unique, like everyone else, yet I am unique even in my uniqueness. Maybe this is merely a self absorbed ramble, but I guess its justified, seeing that thats exactly the purpose of a blog- just a way of documenting one's own thoughts, and it doesn't take a genius to know who'll take prominence there!

This leads to my next point- the fact that my constant companion shall always be solitude. Over and over, I find that it is only myself who understands me. Looking back, I realise that it seems to have been that way from the beginning. While I was always adaptable, it was more a necessity than a longing. I'm not saying that there was never a time where acceptance played a major part in my decisions, but most often in my life, it has not. I've rarely ever cared what people thought or think, as it really makes no difference to me. The only exception is that which those I care about think and feel. Yet even that is for their sake rather than mine. So my level of attachment to most things should be evident by now.

It will be interesting, to say the least, how accurate this will be in time. Oh, I have not overlooked the possibility that this is a phase, a figment of my imagination, in order to deal with the harsh reality of life. Possible, true- yet probable? Unlikely, at best. But interesting it will indeed be, and possibly revealing, if I do ever re-visit these records of my thoughts, as they were inventeded to be.



And the conclusion? Where am I heading with all this? The conclusion is the realisation that I am a solitary being. Singular, never to be multiple. There was a brief period of my life that I believed otherwise, but that it has passed. I am surrounded by a small circle, and that shall remain- a circle, rather than a sphere- surrounding, yet never becoming one. I see that more clearly than ever. I guess my life and normal were never meant to collide. Even if they did, as happened that one time, it tips things so off balance, that they need to be separate once more for things to be right again, which is what happened. So why deny the obvious? Acceptance they say is the key to peace, and after all, is peace not the elusive goal? Its ironic, in a way, that I should be as I am- a

solitary being, who cannot help but be the center of attention, for some forsaken reason. While others crave such a thing, I cannot fathom why it would be necessary, as attention is not something that one should lust after. Such a pity, that I can't actually be in the shadows, the background, where I feel comfortable. Yet I can always try- in fact, I'm slowly but surely slipping into just that sort of routine. It won't be easy, but maybe, just maybe, it will be worth the effort. So, in the words of some famous musician (whose name I cannot recall at this moment) 'I walk alone'..........

The Soul-mate theory

So......dormancy in the current year it seems!! We're almost into the last quarter, and this is my first post. But then, I was never really one for regularity here! I guess, ironically, the main reason for this blog was the very reason I did not really need to blog! But then, things change.. One realizes things which only vaguely flitted across one's subconscious, never to be grasped, comes to the fore when people realize that things they took for granted about themselves and others whose lives they influence were not as important as they thought, once given due consideration. It is in this backdrop that I have formed my theory, which I have decided to record.....

I am a thinker. I have realized over the years, and especially through recent events, that I am able to detach myself from mental anguish through understanding. What drives me insane is what I cannot comprehend and rationalize, because I know that, when looked at objectively, life DOES make sense. Many people find solace in resignation, where they merely make themselves believe that life does not make sense, because that is simply easier. I envy them.... I have lived with the belief that ignorance is bliss. Awareness is a curse, when it is too acutely tuned to every minor detail of ones life. This is further complicated by the need to rationalize. But such is life. You cannot amend and control it like most other things that you are subjected to during the course of it. Life happens. Its up to the individual to understand that one's life is a personal and solitary journey. It is a mistake to think you can depend on other people's experiences to make decisions and comprehend what is going on in your own life, because subtle differences can change situations around in inconceivable ways, which will most likely render the advice or experience shared obsolete in the context of the situation to which SHOULD apply. Thus, I have ended up here...

I did not believe in soul mates. The belief that there is only one person out there for you (as I believed to be the general idea) is a difficult pill to swallow. Also, at the time, I had no experience in the matter, so there I let it lie. Though I say this, my conscious and sub-conscious minds have always been at odds. Because I now realize that my monogamous thinking pattern was a subconscious acceptance of the principle my conscious mind rejected. It in fact came to a point where I worried that I was not interested in a female partner, because I was just too picky. Or so I thought. In retrospect, I realize that I did not consider anyone who did not fit into a certain mould. The mould itself is irrelevant, but not the realization of its existence. I have only ever been interested in two people in my life romantically (thus far), and had an affair with only one. I fell in love with her, and I realized what I probably knew deep down; that one DOES have a soul mate. At this point, I did believe; but I did not comprehend the true meaning of it. For I believed what we all wish were true; in the fairytale that that one person will not only complete you and make you whole, but will also be inherently and irrevocably compatible with you. Life made sense. There was a new found sense of purpose, a future to look forward to and work towards. I had felt that void, and now it was complete. Whatever came my way, I could deal with. Everything would be all right. Yet it is this very misconception that left reality slightly out of focus. Comprehension of the true meaning of one's soul mate came, when the mine fell out of love with me. I suddenly realized what I had not been willing to see.. that we were inherently incompatible personalities. Let me clarify; things were far from perfect, leave alone ideal. There were many hurdles I knew we would have to deal with and overcome. However, they were merely that-hurdles to be overcome. That indescribable "wholeness" you feel makes every complication worth overcoming. Yet, what I did not realize was that we wanted different things in life. On the surface, our dreams seemed to coincide, but it was not till she felt she needed a break that I realized that what I was willing to deal with for now would never change; that we had chosen different paths in life. Compromise is a valuable and indispensable tool in ones arsenal in the clash that is marriage, and it works in most often sufficient. Yet in this instance, I knew it would be useless. For if she felt the need to change for me, she would grow to resent me; where as if I chose to accept what was, I would be miserable and in turn make her life miserable. I could not do that to her, or myself. Which is when I reached the crippling realization that one's soul mate is merely that; a SOUL mate. I now see that the one person who completed my soul need not necessarily be compatible with me in every other sense. I've further realized that the fact that someone is YOUR soul mate need not necessarily mean that you are hers (or vice versa). So now I realize that my path has changed. I no longer look for that one person, for I have found her, yet.... I will leave it unsaid. I'm not pining over it, and I feel very little pain. I've accepted what is, rather than what I'd like or wish could be. As I said, we must deal with the hand that we are dealt. I indeed find it ironic that the reasons that made her what she is to me are most likely the very same reasons why we could not be together, and also the reason I was not the one for her. So I move on. I have not given up on happiness, merely accepted a slightly less Utopian definition of it. I know I can be happy and content with someone else, albeit to a lesser degree that what I might have been. I also know that this fact will not adversely affect my happiness, for I know that what may have been can never be so. So in essence its not settling for anything, as you might think I believe. On the contrary,it is rather the acceptance of the reality that potential is not equal to manifestation. So the mere potential of absolute happiness, which is what we had, will never be manifested. That will never change, under any circumstance. I know that now. So one day, my only hope is for someone who will be willing to accept this unfortunate flaw I have acquired, be objective, and let me make them happy, as I know I will be able to. I know there are at least a handful of women I "can live with" as the saying goes, so I hope that that "someone" is one of them. Till then, I shall take things as the come. Because my search has taken on a different nature, one with a more practical outlook. Yet it is a search none-the-less. I guess now it will take more effort, since the natural gravitation is no longer existent, and I must consciously wade my way through the waters. So onwards down a different path it is! This is merely a memory recorded, to hopefully be revisited at a later date. If you have read this far, I'll apologize for anything overly confusing. As this is more for personal reference than anything else, I have not been very careful in drafting it from an objective perspective. I do hope however that it was, in the very least, interesting; and possibly of some value to you personally. So till we meet again.........thank you for your time!!:)