So......dormancy in the current year it seems!! We're almost into the last quarter, and this is my first post. But then, I was never really one for regularity here! I guess, ironically, the main reason for this blog was the very reason I did not really need to blog! But then, things change.. One realizes things which only vaguely flitted across one's subconscious, never to be grasped, comes to the fore when people realize that things they took for granted about themselves and others whose lives they influence were not as important as they thought, once given due consideration. It is in this backdrop that I have formed my theory, which I have decided to record.....
I am a thinker. I have realized over the years, and especially through recent events, that I am able to detach myself from mental anguish through understanding. What drives me insane is what I cannot comprehend and rationalize, because I know that, when looked at objectively, life DOES make sense. Many people find solace in resignation, where they merely make themselves believe that life does not make sense, because that is simply easier. I envy them.... I have lived with the belief that ignorance is bliss. Awareness is a curse, when it is too acutely tuned to every minor detail of ones life. This is further complicated by the need to rationalize. But such is life. You cannot amend and control it like most other things that you are subjected to during the course of it. Life happens. Its up to the individual to understand that one's life is a personal and solitary journey. It is a mistake to think you can depend on other people's experiences to make decisions and comprehend what is going on in your own life, because subtle differences can change situations around in inconceivable ways, which will most likely render the advice or experience shared obsolete in the context of the situation to which SHOULD apply. Thus, I have ended up here...
I did not believe in soul mates. The belief that there is only one person out there for you (as I believed to be the general idea) is a difficult pill to swallow. Also, at the time, I had no experience in the matter, so there I let it lie. Though I say this, my conscious and sub-conscious minds have always been at odds. Because I now realize that my monogamous thinking pattern was a subconscious acceptance of the principle my conscious mind rejected. It in fact came to a point where I worried that I was not interested in a female partner, because I was just too picky. Or so I thought. In retrospect, I realize that I did not consider anyone who did not fit into a certain mould. The mould itself is irrelevant, but not the realization of its existence. I have only ever been interested in two people in my life romantically (thus far), and had an affair with only one. I fell in love with her, and I realized what I probably knew deep down; that one DOES have a soul mate. At this point, I did believe; but I did not comprehend the true meaning of it. For I believed what we all wish were true; in the fairytale that that one person will not only complete you and make you whole, but will also be inherently and irrevocably compatible with you. Life made sense. There was a new found sense of purpose, a future to look forward to and work towards. I had felt that void, and now it was complete. Whatever came my way, I could deal with. Everything would be all right. Yet it is this very misconception that left reality slightly out of focus. Comprehension of the true meaning of one's soul mate came, when the mine fell out of love with me. I suddenly realized what I had not been willing to see.. that we were inherently incompatible personalities. Let me clarify; things were far from perfect, leave alone ideal. There were many hurdles I knew we would have to deal with and overcome. However, they were merely that-hurdles to be overcome. That indescribable "wholeness" you feel makes every complication worth overcoming. Yet, what I did not realize was that we wanted different things in life. On the surface, our dreams seemed to coincide, but it was not till she felt she needed a break that I realized that what I was willing to deal with for now would never change; that we had chosen different paths in life. Compromise is a valuable and indispensable tool in ones arsenal in the clash that is marriage, and it works in most often sufficient. Yet in this instance, I knew it would be useless. For if she felt the need to change for me, she would grow to resent me; where as if I chose to accept what was, I would be miserable and in turn make her life miserable. I could not do that to her, or myself. Which is when I reached the crippling realization that one's soul mate is merely that; a SOUL mate. I now see that the one person who completed my soul need not necessarily be compatible with me in every other sense. I've further realized that the fact that someone is YOUR soul mate need not necessarily mean that you are hers (or vice versa). So now I realize that my path has changed. I no longer look for that one person, for I have found her, yet.... I will leave it unsaid. I'm not pining over it, and I feel very little pain. I've accepted what is, rather than what I'd like or wish could be. As I said, we must deal with the hand that we are dealt. I indeed find it ironic that the reasons that made her what she is to me are most likely the very same reasons why we could not be together, and also the reason I was not the one for her. So I move on. I have not given up on happiness, merely accepted a slightly less Utopian definition of it. I know I can be happy and content with someone else, albeit to a lesser degree that what I might have been. I also know that this fact will not adversely affect my happiness, for I know that what may have been can never be so. So in essence its not settling for anything, as you might think I believe. On the contrary,it is rather the acceptance of the reality that potential is not equal to manifestation. So the mere potential of absolute happiness, which is what we had, will never be manifested. That will never change, under any circumstance. I know that now. So one day, my only hope is for someone who will be willing to accept this unfortunate flaw I have acquired, be objective, and let me make them happy, as I know I will be able to. I know there are at least a handful of women I "can live with" as the saying goes, so I hope that that "someone" is one of them. Till then, I shall take things as the come. Because my search has taken on a different nature, one with a more practical outlook. Yet it is a search none-the-less. I guess now it will take more effort, since the natural gravitation is no longer existent, and I must consciously wade my way through the waters. So onwards down a different path it is! This is merely a memory recorded, to hopefully be revisited at a later date. If you have read this far, I'll apologize for anything overly confusing. As this is more for personal reference than anything else, I have not been very careful in drafting it from an objective perspective. I do hope however that it was, in the very least, interesting; and possibly of some value to you personally. So till we meet again.........thank you for your time!!:)
