As usual, here I am again, due to my never-ending train of thought.. Since the reasons for the thoughts themselves are of no consequence, I guess I shall not waste time on such trivial matters and get straight to the point (or rather, as 'straight' to the point as is possible with me!)
I guess I always knew this, yet it has become startlingly clear in the recent past. We always search for a purpose, for a niche we fit into. I'm not sure if we all know it inherently and are just blinded by the mundane, but now that I see it, I realise I knew it all along.
It is startling how much we know, yet are not aware of, which is another realisation in itself!
I am the colloquial manifestation of a 'freak'- an anomaly. Something that cannont be understood, because it is different to what is normal, or rather, what is normal for a human. I've always lived my life feeling out of place, unable to quite fit in. Its not even funny how many times, and through how many lips I've heard words similar to 'you're different' or 'you don't count' when I point out that my behaviour contradicts a generalization that was just made. I'm also sure that if anyone who knows me reads this, while they will be denying this consciously, a tiny voice at the back of their heads will echo the truth in these words. Because to know me is to know this is true. I am unique, like everyone else, yet I am unique even in my uniqueness. Maybe this is merely a self absorbed ramble, but I guess its justified, seeing that thats exactly the purpose of a blog- just a way of documenting one's own thoughts, and it doesn't take a genius to know who'll take prominence there!
This leads to my next point- the fact that my constant companion shall always be solitude. Over and over, I find that it is only myself who understands me. Looking back, I realise that it seems to have been that way from the beginning. While I was always adaptable, it was more a necessity than a longing. I'm not saying that there was never a time where acceptance played a major part in my decisions, but most often in my life, it has not. I've rarely ever cared what people thought or think, as it really makes no difference to me. The only exception is that which those I care about think and feel. Yet even that is for their sake rather than mine. So my level of attachment to most things should be evident by now.
It will be interesting, to say the least, how accurate this will be in time. Oh, I have not overlooked the possibility that this is a phase, a figment of my imagination, in order to deal with the harsh reality of life. Possible, true- yet probable? Unlikely, at best. But interesting it will indeed be, and possibly revealing, if I do ever re-visit these records of my thoughts, as they were inventeded to be.
And the conclusion? Where am I heading with all this? The conclusion is the realisation that I am a solitary being. Singular, never to be multiple. There was a brief period of my life that I believed otherwise, but that it has passed. I am surrounded by a small circle, and that shall remain- a circle, rather than a sphere- surrounding, yet never becoming one. I see that more clearly than ever. I guess my life and normal were never meant to collide. Even if they did, as happened that one time, it tips things so off balance, that they need to be separate once more for things to be right again, which is what happened. So why deny the obvious? Acceptance they say is the key to peace, and after all, is peace not the elusive goal? Its ironic, in a way, that I should be as I am- a
solitary being, who cannot help but be the center of attention, for some forsaken reason. While others crave such a thing, I cannot fathom why it would be necessary, as attention is not something that one should lust after. Such a pity, that I can't actually be in the shadows, the background, where I feel comfortable. Yet I can always try- in fact, I'm slowly but surely slipping into just that sort of routine. It won't be easy, but maybe, just maybe, it will be worth the effort. So, in the words of some famous musician (whose name I cannot recall at this moment) 'I walk alone'..........
