One could say that at the conclusion of what is considered an "achievement" in one's life (this being most often based on public perception for verification), it is only natural to be jubilant. For you have "achieved" something- finally, all the hard work has paid off. It is also natural to anticipate such feelings, to eagerly await the end, as motivation to push through the middle- in fact, the end being most often the sole justification for the toil. That is what is natural...
So here I am. Within this year alone I have developed an "app" for the iPhone within a month with no programming knowledge whatsoever (although only a prototype), appeared on national television playing one of my most prized possessions (although only to accompany my talented best friend), and successfully completed my degree in law (yes, again, although after 5 years as opposed to the "Normal" 3).... all arguably "achievements" in the sense that the word is most commonly used, and therefore I should be.....what again?? I forget sometimes, in the sense I have to actively remind myself. I know I should be feeling happy, and elated, and jubilant (ah, I remember now!) but apart from the relief (which, granted, was only natural and to be expected), I feel...nothing.
I've been waiting for the relief to give way to the celebration, but the celebration seems to have deserted me. Quite honestly, the heading of this post sums it up. Its not that I'm being negative, no... that's not it. Negative would be if I were looking at all that I ave "accomplished" and asking such questions like "what was all this for??" and "what is the point of all this??". Its just that I've come to this point where it just becomes something I've done, because I had to/ because it was the most prudent thing to do, at that time. After they are done, its a "Ok, that's done- what next?" sort of mentality. Mechanical, in a way. I remember a time when this used to upset me. Not so long ago, to be honest, contrary to the impression my articulation of that last sentiment would indicate. It is indeed interesting, albeit in an arguably morbid, introspective manner.
I am comprehending day by day what it means to let go of worldly attachments, and how to do so would rob existence of its necessary nature. When you no longer have such attachments, what used to be important while they were prevalent are no longer so. It is amazing how much our perception of ourselves and what different things "mean" to us is dependent on what we are attached to. Attachment of course is a term that, in these circumstances belies the deep nature of its meaning. Perhaps the most compelling attachments we form are relationships with others, second only to the attachment to the "self".
I am comprehending day by day what it means to let go of worldly attachments, and how to do so would rob existence of its necessary nature. When you no longer have such attachments, what used to be important while they were prevalent are no longer so. It is amazing how much our perception of ourselves and what different things "mean" to us is dependent on what we are attached to. Attachment of course is a term that, in these circumstances belies the deep nature of its meaning. Perhaps the most compelling attachments we form are relationships with others, second only to the attachment to the "self".
You see, I have always had a problem with the attachment to self. I remember when I was young, my voicing this particular sentiment resulted in perhaps the most harsh and vociferous reaction my mother has, what is the term, made? So I learn to keep it to myself because I realised that it was not a "natural" or explicable sentiment, let alone "acceptable". This is perhaps why I feel my attachment is dependent on my relationship with others, and why perhaps I somewhat desperately pursued love. I guess I knew, even subconsciously, that I would need a bond that strong to find meaning and motivation through this.
However, (and this is where I would have used a term like "But alas" in preference to however), I have now understood that I am not, how would you say it, "built" for a relationship of that sort. I have tired of attempting to explain this to anyone, because automatically they all jump to the usual conclusion that this has to do with the emotions which I had to deal with consequent to the failed relationships, and quite frankly I have no patience nor the inclination to explain to them that they are wrong, and that my reasoning is far more rational than something so trivial. Anyway, at the end of the day, what does it matter really, whether anyone understands or not? So like many other things about myself, I have decided to keep that as well, to myself. "Each man for himself and God for all", and all that nonsense. Maybe, however, one of these days I shall attempt to articulate it here. Who knows, maybe the effort will pay off if I can actually direct people to that post when put in a situation where I am forced to explain this "issue", as they would see it.
In conclusion, there you have it... That's all folks, show's over- nothing left to see here....literally........
