In life, there is no such thing as "black and white"; so much confusion do cause the 14 shades of grey with which our lives are coloured, once we start to see clearly. But thus is to be human. Right and wrong for a particular action or circumstance change with time, and one comes to accept that we are but human, and cannot do more than try one's best not to hurt the ones we love.. Yet, it seems that we do just that.... And with time, as circumstances change, we realise that we have done things which we wish we hadn't, yet knowing all the while that only hindsight is 20/20; and that we would do the exact same thing in the same circumstances, if we were made to decide once again. Yet, the problem lies in the fact that even knowing that we could not have known better, and even though the ones we care about will always forgive us (because such is the nature of love), the hardest part is to forgive yourself....
I used to be in a relationship, and in "love"; and as is the way with such a state of mind, this led to decisions which I wish I could reverse now; decisions where I had to choose, between the people I care about the most. So many, that I have lost count. This is so, in the light of the knowledge that what I (reasonably) expected to happen in the future (at that time) will not. But, two in particular stand out. Of these, however, I will elaborate on one, which is what sparked this train of thought…
When you are in a relationship, it is always difficult to reconcile the object of your affections with those few people you hold dear in your life; this is especially so when one such person is of the opposite gender. Unfortunately, this was just one facet of my troubles when it came to this particular topic; but it is always especially difficult to be in a relationship, when one of your best friends is a girl, and I was no exception to this rule.
On this particular day, which I had spent almost entirely with my partner at the time, I had promised my best friend mentioned above to come over for a dinner with some of our friends. What I did not know was that she had taken the extra trouble of preparing pasta (that being one of my personal favorites); from scratch. We had already discussed this (my partner and I), and I was supposed to leave at a certain time; but she asked me to stay. If you have been in that situation, you will know the underlying dynamics of the question. I stayed. Sadly, I can’t see myself as having chosen any different at the time. Yet, I wish I hadn’t, now, as it will always be one of those days that I let my best friend down. I will always remember the disappointment in her voice when I told her I won't be able to make it, which is when I realised how much it meant to her; for me to have been there. She understands now, but that does not change anything. It is what it is, and I shall always be sorry….
So this is to her and Ammi... For all the decisions which hurt them, which I wish I could take back, and for which I will be eternally sorry.... I wish I had known better....
