Rebirth of Atlas Telamon

So I've come to yet another realization.. If I were to consider my universe as myself and those who I care about, the division is between myself and them: in the sense that between the two divisions, happiness is inversely proportional. That is how it is...

Let me explain further.. Basically, everyone can only ever be in a good place, if I'm not.. I've seen this time and time again.. As soon as I, undoubtedly with the help of those few, pick myself up and start moving forward, everyone else starts going through Hell. It's as if the universe lays in wait, waiting till I am able to support everyone. And here's the thing..I'd MUCH rather be unhappy myself, than see everyone I care about be unhappy.. That is how I'm made.. But alas, even that I have no control over..

Am I resentful of those I care about? No. Am I resentful resentful of this sadistic dichotomy and the cold hard knowledge that, I'm forced to pick myself up only because everyone else is about to fall? Yes: And tired...so very, very tired..

So, in the words of Robert Frost, “But I have promises to keep.. And miles to go before I sleep.. And miles to go before I sleep"...

The "Honey-trap"

No, it's not what you think... I guess this post is somewhat overdue, but necessary.. So timing aside, felt the need to vent. So here goes...

When I said “It's not what you think", I didn't necessarily mean it in the obvious sense.. What I actually meant was, it's not about a honey-trap I got caught to... And quite frankly, I wish it was.. Sadly though, it is me who feels a bit like the honey-trap..

Before I continue, let me explain why a "honey-trap" over, say, a pitcher plant! ;) See, the thing with a honey-trap is that the honey isn't really bad: not inherently. And, the difference here is that it's the thing which is sought, namely the honey, which is the very reason for the entrapment. So it's not that the honey is a decoy, but it is the want of honey which snares those that seek it. And when one is "stuck", the fact that the honey is what you want/need is forgotten, because the survival instinct kicks in. Or conversely, one realises one cannot but get stuck, and therefore must stay away. Ergo the use of a honey-trap as the metaphor of choice.

Moving on, I have come to realize that I am, well in keeping with my nature, an anomaly in that I get along with those of the opposite sex much better than I do with my own, most often.  And obviously, this has led to innumerable complications (as you may imagine) for the simple reason that, all else aside, it does not fall within the narrow minded pop construct of “normal". I don't really fancy going into details, but it's safe to say that I have been “judged" and unfairly condemned (among other things) simply because there could be NO WAY that I was merely being friendly, and had no ulterior motive. After all, we (the people) know all, and therefore I cannot be truly “different". *rolls eyes*

However, that is not the main focus of this post. The reason I thought to write is because I find it terribly sad that I have absolutely no control over the definition of my relationship with many such friends. I sincerely wish I could just turn whatever it is that I do on and off according to the situation, because I very rarely want to be more than friends. And what is the worst part of it all? It is that sometimes (admittedly rarely) I lose friends that I value (which in itself is a rarity), because...I am the "honey-trap". This, is one of the saddest things, when you lose a good friend, one of the rare few, because boundaries were unknowingly crossed, and can never be re-established.

I must say though, I am not ungrateful of the positives of being this way. It has led to wonderful relationships (in the standard sense of the term, in this context) and I have been lucky to have met a few with whom those lines/boundaries have never been questioned. Yet for all, it does not lessen the sadness of losing a friend..especially the rare ones.