Oh fiction, how thee torments me sometimes...

It's ironic how, sometimes your iPod tends to sense your mood and play music that you'd want to hear..you might say it's creepy even. But what REALLY tries to kick you in the gut sometimes, is the fiction... You know, the television series, the movies...sometimes even the books?

Well, I just had one such experience. I'm not going to go into the specifics, because...this relates to one thing I don't really talk about. But I will say this; it was an episode of “The mentalist" that set me off (and actually, it's been this season). And, I was watching it and thinking to myself, “Damn, he's a lucky bastard...at least HE got to kiss her..And not have to watch the whole thing!". It's creepy how fiction sometimes almost portrays your life, at a time which is significant. And really tests the boundaries of the iron grip of control you exert in yourself.

And, that is all I am willing to say on the matter. As much as I'm sure you hate me for it, while humbly apologizing, I'd like to point out that this is my blog and ergo I believe that gives me the right to sometimes be a little unreasonable and perhaps a tad unfair. That is all for now. Hopefully the next post will make sense! Till then good reader.....

How much longer?

Honestly, that's fast becoming the burning question in my mind. I keep wondering how much longer I can go on like this; just...floating...through life. I don't really crave anything anymore. Hell, I've even lost my appetite! I guess the significance of that is lost to those of you who don't know me (and if you're seriously reading this and it's not the first one you're reading, I must say I'm surprised you are, to say the least). Let me warn you though, this is just me venting..simply.

Anyway, like I was saying, I barely eat anymore (let alone crave food like I used to). I can't really find motivation within myself to do anything much anymore. Apart from being pragmatic about life, which is all I seem capable of anymore, life just...goes on. I often wonder how much longer I can do this. It's increasingly difficult. Lack of motivation is a terrible thing. Sometimes, I almost feel like I have it; like I could want something. But, it never seems to last anymore.

I find myself living in fantasies I create for myself in my head..well, perhaps “fantasies" isn't the right word. More like possibilities, in the sense that I play out various situations which may stem from a current circumstances. Highly unlikely as they are, I guess at least...they keep my mind occupied. I guess one must be thankful for small mercies.

Anyway, I guess I better get back to the drudgery (hopefully for the last time) which I am procrastinating, although I am well past the reasonable time limit to do so. I'm just glad this might be the final set, because I think I've come to the end of my tether with exams. They only serve to compound the difficulty of the already difficult existence I lead. Oh well, as they say “Life's not fair- deal with it!"

Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really

have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.