On letting go.....

So, thought I ought to pen (well, lets go with the term "pen" shall we? ) some thoughts on the concept of letting go... I know it seems to be a very simple concept on the surface, but there is a whole lot more to it. So lets see where this leads....

The concept of "letting go" is quite central to the Buddhist philosophy. However, I've come to realise that perhaps it is not as simple as it seems on the surface. Why do I say this? Well, let me try to explain.

So letting go seems simple enough, right? It basically means rather than holding on, you let go. Like you would a a piece of rope, or any other physical possession. Or, it could extend to something metaphysical, like a thought; or an emotion. It could be a combination of both, such as a connection formed with another human. Those are perhaps the hardest to let go of, probably because as explained it is both a physical as well as metaphysical; physical in how that person affects your day to day existence in a practical sense, and metaphysical because of the various emotions which said person invoked which, obviously, was very desirable. So what's the fuss? Well, for starters, letting go is not merely the ACT of letting go, but also (and perhaps more importantly) the mental state where the thing in question is no longer an attchment. THIS, is much deeper and decidedly more difficult than the act of letting go. If you've ever been in love, and can remember what it was like immediately post break up, you'll know how it felt impossible to let go at the time. Perhaps it took longer than "immediately after" to be able to even consider letting go. Either way, it is accepting that what was can no longer be, which is the hardest part.

Now, to explain this next part I must diverge a bit from the main topic. If you consider the use of any skill, there are two elements to it; first, you must fully master the skill and only THEN can you use it productively and advance further in your ability. It is the same with letting go. When I first grasped the concept in an organic sense, I came to value it as one of the most potent means of dealing with life in general- it was what kept me sane. I must say, to a great extent, I feel I have truly mastered this skill; and I will attest to its effectiveness, and how it really gives one strength to deal with almost anything. However, like with everything else, it must be carefully used.

In time, as more and more traumatic events started to build up, I kept letting everything go. This worked, at first. But after sometime, I started to realise that I was losing the ability to hold on to ANYTHING. Which obviously led to a severe case of existential nihilism and depression. Losing the ability to hold on, to automatically have a knee-jerk reaction of letting go at the first sign of any pain, that is....unhealthy, to put it mildly.

So where is the medium? How does one effectively implement the art of letting go? Well, what I have found is that while the ability to let go is a tool of empowerment, it must be something well within one's control. This in turn led to another observation, regarding my past. I have come to realise that when you let go, forgive and understand every single time, or at least too often, that is the most surefire way of being taken for granted. While theoretically one must not care about such fickle things such as appreciation and respect, in reality it IS indeed necessary for one to carry on. Which is how I have come to realise that sometimes, you must NOT let go. You must hold on, even if it means that you make a nuisance of yourself, even if it would be easier to just let go, because sometimes its important to make a statement; to stand up and be demanded to be taken note of. So you must not ALWAYS let go. You must be able to understand it, and not let it control you. Dealing with my family I now realise that I have "let go" of too many things, and that it is too late to fix them. I have, however, realised the value in trying none-the-less. As such, even at this late stage, I hope to be more in control of my ability to let go. I hope I will not go down that dark road again, that road where I almost lost myself; not because I was holding on to fruitless things, rather because I was unable to hold on to anything. I lost myself to the extent that I am still finding my footing, and adjusting. So, I am finally learning to say no, to stand my ground, and fight for the things that I find are unreasonable or wrong.

So, through the smattering of personal experience, I hope I have elaborated my point on the complexity of the concept of letting go. So, as always, till next time.....

Learning the art of selfishness.....

SO! Finally, after ages, a post in a positive vein. I'm sure you're scratching your head right now, given the title, but bear with me and all shall be revealed! (Well, not all...but some! ;) ).

So after a slump that lasted for FAR too long, which (albeit necessary) was seriously making me wonder if I'd ever rise up again, here I am. I doubted because time after time my attempts to stand were met with universal blows to the head; again, and again, and again. But FINALLY, I can honestly say I have dealt with my past to the best of my abilities, and managed to dodge the last blow I received, in a manner of speaking. When I say dealt with the past, I mean that I have come to terms, understood, and learnt the lessons it offered as at right now. This is not to say that my defense mechanisms have changed, nor that I expect my past to STAY in the past, because lets face it; to expect such would be beyond naive.

So on to the realisation that has, in a sense, liberated me. I realised, that I was no longer in control of my own life. This to a large part had to do with what I constantly complained about, which was the lack of self. This in turn led to a level of selflessness which was so detrimental to me that I had come to accept that I could not expect to find any happiness. And I had accepted that I was unable to find any "want". This is partially true, but I have also realised that "want" need not be a specific definable thing. Sometimes, when you can't quite get yourself to want something specific, you must resort to other things, things less defined. Things which you know that, although it is hard to articulate, you do in fact want. It is in this way that I came to the realisation that what I wanted, was to be in control of my own life; and just to be myself, the guy I know I am, and just to be ok. For a change, after a space of time which extended FAR beyond what it ought.

It is only when I started doing this that I started to realise not only how little the new people in my life had gotten to know me, and also how even my close friends had all but forgotten that part of me which was probably one of the things that drew them to me in the first place- my unflappable spirit, whatever the circumstances. Well, when I say "Unflappable", obviously I mean my ability to make the best out of any situation, and motivate everyone around me whatever their circumstances. I had gotten so used to disassociating that with my own feelings that I'd come to a point where my motivation had become hollow and hypocritical, and didn't even notice that the separation had broken down. I'd become SO unhappy, that everyone around me had forgotten that I COULD be happy, let alone what I was like when I was happy. This was obvious when my friends started asking me what I was on when I started cracking jokes again, and generally started being positive. Which is when it finally hit me just how low I'd sunk.

Thing is, I needed that. Life had gotten too much to handle, I'd stayed strong FAR beyond the point at which I should have broken down, and I needed to deal with it. I didn't ball my eyes out, but the tears finally came. It was still somewhat muted, but maybe that's all that I need. Because I was ready to cry if I needed it. Either way, it was the beginning of the final, successful rise to my feet. And I can say, after a long time, that I feel good. And I am not letting anyone or anything take that away from me, not for a while. Come what may, I will do what is best for me, and no longer put everyone and everything before myself. I think its time that I started, and the fact that I feel I finally can is............liberating.

So I guess I am learning to be selfish, in a sense. I know selfishness is given a distinctly negative connotation, but as with everything, it should be seen to be what it is; nothing more, nothing less. And what it is, is necessary. In moderation, true, but necessary all the same. So I have decided. I've been on my belly long enough. I've been in my black hole so long I'd forgotten what it was like to know light, let alone see it. So its good to be finally rising out of that cave. After about four years, I think its time. And I can finally say, I am in control. So here's hoping that there are more of these posts to come! ;) Till next time......