SO! Finally, after ages, a post in a positive vein. I'm sure you're scratching your head right now, given the title, but bear with me and all shall be revealed! (Well, not all...but some! ;) ).
So after a slump that lasted for FAR too long, which (albeit necessary) was seriously making me wonder if I'd ever rise up again, here I am. I doubted because time after time my attempts to stand were met with universal blows to the head; again, and again, and again. But FINALLY, I can honestly say I have dealt with my past to the best of my abilities, and managed to dodge the last blow I received, in a manner of speaking. When I say dealt with the past, I mean that I have come to terms, understood, and learnt the lessons it offered as at right now. This is not to say that my defense mechanisms have changed, nor that I expect my past to STAY in the past, because lets face it; to expect such would be beyond naive.
So on to the realisation that has, in a sense, liberated me. I realised, that I was no longer in control of my own life. This to a large part had to do with what I constantly complained about, which was the lack of self. This in turn led to a level of selflessness which was so detrimental to me that I had come to accept that I could not expect to find any happiness. And I had accepted that I was unable to find any "want". This is partially true, but I have also realised that "want" need not be a specific definable thing. Sometimes, when you can't quite get yourself to want something specific, you must resort to other things, things less defined. Things which you know that, although it is hard to articulate, you do in fact want. It is in this way that I came to the realisation that what I wanted, was to be in control of my own life; and just to be myself, the guy I know I am, and just to be ok. For a change, after a space of time which extended FAR beyond what it ought.
It is only when I started doing this that I started to realise not only how little the new people in my life had gotten to know me, and also how even my close friends had all but forgotten that part of me which was probably one of the things that drew them to me in the first place- my unflappable spirit, whatever the circumstances. Well, when I say "Unflappable", obviously I mean my ability to make the best out of any situation, and motivate everyone around me whatever their circumstances. I had gotten so used to disassociating that with my own feelings that I'd come to a point where my motivation had become hollow and hypocritical, and didn't even notice that the separation had broken down. I'd become SO unhappy, that everyone around me had forgotten that I COULD be happy, let alone what I was like when I was happy. This was obvious when my friends started asking me what I was on when I started cracking jokes again, and generally started being positive. Which is when it finally hit me just how low I'd sunk.
Thing is, I needed that. Life had gotten too much to handle, I'd stayed strong FAR beyond the point at which I should have broken down, and I needed to deal with it. I didn't ball my eyes out, but the tears finally came. It was still somewhat muted, but maybe that's all that I need. Because I was ready to cry if I needed it. Either way, it was the beginning of the final, successful rise to my feet. And I can say, after a long time, that I feel good. And I am not letting anyone or anything take that away from me, not for a while. Come what may, I will do what is best for me, and no longer put everyone and everything before myself. I think its time that I started, and the fact that I feel I finally can is............liberating.
So I guess I am learning to be selfish, in a sense. I know selfishness is given a distinctly negative connotation, but as with everything, it should be seen to be what it is; nothing more, nothing less. And what it is, is necessary. In moderation, true, but necessary all the same. So I have decided. I've been on my belly long enough. I've been in my black hole so long I'd forgotten what it was like to know light, let alone see it. So its good to be finally rising out of that cave. After about four years, I think its time. And I can finally say, I am in control. So here's hoping that there are more of these posts to come! ;) Till next time......
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