What I want...

I think I know what I want. It doesn't seem like much, and in a sense, I guess it's just a basic human need. I'm not a demanding person, so I don't often want or need much. I'm strong, self sufficient, and generally a positive influence on everyone around me. I try my best, and generally give everything my all. I care about people, and I'm very careful with their emotions and feelings. That's not to say I'm perfect, but at least...I feel I give it my all, enough so that I am the best I can be.

But what I wish is that someone, just one person, would see that, appreciate it, and decide that they want to be there for me. I want someone to, for once, be willing to do for me what I am willing to do for so many. It would make everything so much easier and more worth while, if I could just feel like I'm not alone. Sadly I know since this is me we're talking about, that's a seemingly impossible ask. I get that, but I hate that it is that way. I don't see why I have to be the one who will always give, but never be able to expect in return.....even if “return" is someone simply taking a chance and being willing to be there.

When I say "be there", that's not to mean I have no one- because I do. I have been blessed with a few amazing people in my life, who are generally around. But, that's not the same as one person deciding that they will be there, exclusively for you. That they are taking a chance on you, and regardless of whether they will practically be able to be there when you need them, that they have decided that they will try. Because honestly, all I'm asking for is someone who WANTS to be there, and tries as best as they can. Even if she fails, the very fact that she wants to, would be enough. The very fact that I won't feel bad to reach out to her when I'm feeling low, and hopeless, that is pretty much all I ask for. For that, I'd be willing to give her the world. I just wish that wasn't asking for too much.

Indigo

So, I randomly came across the phrase "Indigo (Children)" and did a small internet search. While to anyone who cannot relate to this it will sound fantastic and highly implausible, I think this is something that can actually help people who DO resonate with it (like myself) better understand themselves. Its a bit uncanny how accurate most of this is (in my case)!

http://www.sophiagubb.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-indigo/

A note on self.....

So, here I am again. As usual, felt the need to jot down my somewhat more useful thoughts/ realisation on myself. Hopefully, it will better help me deal with my future relationships, especially those that get particularly intimate. Only time will tell I guess.

So I have come to realise that, in being so externally focused, that is to say by being someone who is constantly thinking about everyone and everything around him, my defining and possibly only constant characteristic is dynamism. By dynamism, I am not referring to the romanticised notion of the word the corporate hierachy subscribes to, but the actual meaning of the word. I literally adapt to everything any everyone around me, for as long as I can. Anything I feel I can't, I swiftly move away from. I don't try to change it, although sometimes moving away precipitates a change in dynamic. But I am definitely someone who adapts to what is, rather than try to create/ expect what I want something to be. Just to be clear at this stage, I am merely making an objective analysis of how I am, rather than singing my praises (because quite frankly it is just a fact, neither negative nor positive as a whole). I think this, to a large degree, is the reason I am so misunderstood most of the time; and most likely why a select few people who have thought they understood me, who I thought understood me, turned out not to have. Because, everyone looks at how you are in the circumstances they perceive you in, and eventually categorises you in a particular way; not realising that what they saw is just one facet of who you are. And soon, they cannot see beyond that, and the moment I adapt to any change in circumstances, they no longer know anything about me or what to expect, although they do EXPECT to know. Which, needless to say frustrates me no end. 

I do not know how to explain this to anyone. Indeed I don't know that it is something that CAN be comprehended by others, let alone be explained. I fell though, that finally I've come to accept that. I feel like I am slowly getting used to the idea of never quite being understood. It is starting to be ok. Which gives me a sense of....peace. Its a nice change from the constant frustration and confusion over wanting to be understood more than anything else, but constantly doomed not to be.

And in case this hasn't been clear before, I am who I. I have been, am, and always will be a "take it or leave it" deal. And it IS a one off deal. The moment I feel discarded, I move on. It annoys me no end when someone discards me, then later realises they aren't ok with me dropping out of their lives, and try to hold on to something that is lost. I cannot stand denial, especially when I have to deal with it.It irks me. The worst part is you can't really solve the issue without being direct, and when I'm direct about something that irks me it is rarely....pleasant. I wish people would take more time to take stock of how things are, understand it and not act in their blissful ignorance. Sometimes, it even goes so far as being dense, which irks me more because it is so inconsiderate. Meh. If I let this get to me, I will be terribly irked too often.

Why am I so complicated? Damned if I know. Do I care anymore? No, not really. In a sense though, it SHOULD be easier to understand me- unless you want me to be predictable. Which, when it really matters, I almost never am. But what I've realised is, everyone wants predictability. Everyone wants definitions, and expectations, and stability. The idea of something or, god forbid SOMEONE who is too dynamic and adaptive to be predictable and static would be so unnerving, it is beyond the grasp of everyone I have so far met. This can even be seen in the general drive of the general populace towards organized religion/ philosophy (both of which I am increasingly becoming disillusioned with). 

In conclusion, that is pretty much the gist of what I wanted to say (maybe slightly more detailed than absolutely necessary, but...I am not going to apologize for that! *tongue out*). So, till next time.....