So hello again... I know its been a while, but what can I say? As nice as it is, happiness and satisfaction does not provide much inspiration, because as Rob Thomas said- You are too busy enjoying it to want to spend time writing about it...
And yet, there are some times in life where you just cannot contain yourself. Often it is due to extreme grief, sorrow or pain but sometimes..... It is quite the opposite. Sometimes, you cannot contain the feeling of joy, happiness and satisfaction.
So here I am writing about it. As usual. This time though, there is one small difference. Unlike the few times before, this time.... I have actually shared my feelings with someone. This time, I (surprisingly) am not afraid. My head is reminding me that I should be, and that I should be my usual careful skeptical self- because that self keeps itself safe...right?
But see the thing is, safe and alive are not necessarily coinciding states. Sometimes, you are safe, but dead. You forget that in that safety, you have also lost your life. You have lost what makes you alive. So you are safe, cushioned and distant from the outside world. You barely ever step out from within the cave, and you think that everything is alright because.....you have equipped yourself with everything needed to survive.
But is it enough? Just to survive? Will you feel like you have gained what you were supposed to from this life, on your death bed, knowing that you have "survived"? Will you be capable of moving on further in your journey to its inescapable conclusion? Or have you just stagnated yourself in the same place? Destined to live and die over and over in the never ending cycle, because you were so adamant and hell bent on being "safe"?
The point is, we all need magic. Although, what I mean to be magic may very well not be the general definition. Some people think magic is the sparks and flares.. The excitement, the exhilaration. The problem is, that kind of magic is all smoke and mirrors; slights of hand; fleeting; an illusion. Real magic, I used to think, was the more visceral; deep; subtle, yet bewitching; seemingly subconscious, but always there; resilient; solid.
What I realised though, is that real magic is all these things...and more. It is not just the latter, but also the former. It is the combination of both, mixed to such a degree that the ebbs of one aspect leads to the flow of the other. Where the constant raging river of life will bend and meld it, rather than break and destroy it for the lack of resilience. Where it is this dynamic, dazzling yet infinitely solid, real and resilient.....experience. It is something that one cannot imagine until experienced. It is something that seems to defy logic, and make the conscious mind doubt; yet the subconscious mind knows otherwise. It is, in short, real magic; the kind you will never quite believe in until you experience it and realise it is real.
Something in my gut is dismissing my usual doubts. Part of me wonders whether I believe because I want to so desperately, but that part is growing more and more silent by the day. It makes me feel alive like never before, but also overwhelmed and out of control. But maybe those two things are one and the same. Maybe to really be alive, you have to let go. Maybe, you have to just let yourself get carried away, rather than continue to exert the constant control you have on almost (if not every) aspect of your life.
Either way, the past two years has seen me do a complete 180. My life has gone from difficult, drab and dreary with the constant anxiety of more negativity, to....peace. I don't know how long it will last, but for once. I do not care. I feel alive like never before, and this time..... I am going to go and live it, lest I not get another chance to.
So here's to real magic, and the hope that you find yours; in whatever form it might be....
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