To be human..

There are so many things people take for granted about themselves.. The more 'natural' and 'mundane' the particular quality or trait, the less people realise the possibility of losing it.. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if what I'm about to say qualifies as one of those things, because it is so basic and intrinsic of human nature, that it may not (under normal circumstances) be something that can disappear.. Yet this is, once again, about me- and I'm not sure I quite make the cut for 'normal'- that may very well be an unattainable promotion..

What makes us human? Some say its the ability to feel another's pain.. Some say its to not be perfect.. Others have so many varying and sometimes contrasting views, that I do not quite care to list them down.. But the question is, what about the ability to be affected by what happens to you? Is that an essential requirement of being human? Empathy is most often thought to be a true human quality, but empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.. What about for oneself? Is it necessary? What if one loses that ability, to be affected as one should? What then?

I've always known I was different.. Always felt a bystander, a person pretending to be who he technically is.. I can feel another's pain, but I'm beginning to lose the sensation of my own.. My reactions to events have become just that- reactions.. Rather than create a chain of emotion of either happiness or sadness, there is only the initial reaction- which lasts maybe the length of time it takes for a small nap, like a thread desperately grasped at which nonetheless slips through my fingers.. I know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, and how I'm SUPPOSED to react.. The problem is, day by day, I feel more and more that its becoming harder and harder to be what I'm SUPPOSED to be.. 

All my life, I've felt like I'm not supposed to be here- like I'm some colossal mistake, or some cosmic joke.. Just some prank or the result of a misguided attempt at a quick fix on some mega-scale system failure.. I used to have dreams, which I felt were the only way I could still keep believing myself to be just like everyone else, and somehow feel like I have a place.. Now it seems painfully obvious that I need to accept reality.. I am who I am, and whatever I believe, I can't change it.. I will always be the exception, never quite understood, and (as alarming as this last one is, especially) fast losing my ability to actively participate, since it seems more and more that my feelings are merely a mimic of those which belong to people around me, and not entirely my own; my own seem to be lost.. Honestly, I wonder if I'm still ABLE to feel, for myself; If I have any emotions left, emotions that go further than automatic initial reactions which die no sooner they appear.. Its the equivalent of a dead limb moving when prodded, only to fall back to its original position; dead, cold, and dysfunctional.. I'm not even entirely sure thats a bad thing, or if there IS a good and bad anymore.. I've been given a life (for whatever the reason) and I've to do whatever necessary to maintain it.. That seems to be all I know anymore.. I guess as always, I shall accept it, and move on.. For there is no point in lusting after what clearly is not supposed to be mine..