Hiding in plain sight

There are so many different kinds of people.. I could characterize a few, add an 'etc..' at the end and pretend that it more than scratches the surface of the diverse physiology that we call 'society'; but I fail to see the point in it.. So I think I'll do what (I hope) I do best, and just leave it undefined, as only I feel befitting. So its needless to say that in this diverse social ecosystem, there is very little that can be said to be constant. Yet to those like me (if indeed there are others like me, which is a question for another day) there is one thing.. Each individual, has an identifiable individual persona. I'm sure this is possibly one of the most controversial statements of the year, perhaps one might say even the decade (or millennium, whichever one prefers), but there it is.

What exactly am I saying? Well, its unlikely to make much sense however much I try to explain it if it doesn't as yet, so I'd be wasting anything more than a few words. Those few words are, that I see people as being specific, individual yet identifiable persons. Each has their strengths, their weaknesses; in essence the good and the evil, if you are one of those who prefers to so categorize. But there is a certain certainty, if one is able to see it. It may not be definable, and even when you've identified it, it maybe difficult to believe it AS being identified, even to oneself. But certain, it is.

So where am I going with this? Well, this is merely background to the society in which I live; and it is also the reason why I don't fit. What IS this reason? Well, NOW we come to the title- because I'm one of those people who hides in plain sight. To the normal observer, I'd be seen as a loud mouthed, happy, positive, extrovert (among other things, such as a garbage disposal for any kind of decent edible items- which ironically, is possibly the truest thing about me!;)). Not that all those things are not true. But where the hiding part comes in, is when I'm seen as being defined by those characteristics. It is generally assumed that due to those (most obvious) characteristics that I am in fact an open, easily understood, overly happy individual who cares about what everyone thinks and craves attention. But this couldn't be further from the truth (and yes, this IS indeed a self-indulgent rant; but seeing that this is my personal space, I believe I'm allowed to do just that!)

I am not easily understood- this particular point has been proven over and over again, in multiple (and sometimes painful) situations. It is a reality that I've come to terms with. Those few who bare with the complex mess that I am will always have a special place in my affections- they deserve that at least! I am FAR from overly happy- sure I try to make the best of what I get, but that comes from multiple disappointments in life in the form of a constant feeling of inadequacy, wasted potential and general inability to live up to expectations. My way of dealing with it is accepting it- maybe I'm a coward for accepting it, maybe I should work to change it, but I'm so tired. I've not lived not much more than a quarter of my expected existence (which, might I add, would be much better if much shorter) yet I already feel like an old man- weary and tired of it all. But yipee for me, I have a whole life to look forward to! *insert adequately smiling facial expression here*. I honestly care so little about what people think, that I'm sure the general population at large would have severe insecurities if they see my REAL reaction to what they are saying/doing/ trying to say/do. This is not to say I don't care about what ANYONE thinks or feels- on the contrary, there are some whose thoughts and feelings I sometimes care about more than my own. But it is but a fraction of the people who I actually come into contact with, so I feel that the generalization is not unjustified. Most importantly, I do NOT crave attention. This is possibly the hardest to believe of all things if you know me, but it is true all the same. I would MUCH rather be one of those people who is left to his own devices, who might as well be a fly on the wall and whose actions people don't notice ALL.THE.TIME. But alas, as the saying goes, 'If wishes were horses, beggars would ride'!

So as you can see, I am indeed hiding in plain sight- which is probably the reason I can relate so much to what I now consider to be a dramatic (though slightly deviated) representation of me. Its ironic that this person would be cast as a serial killer, and how he struggles to cope with the slow demise of his desensitization. True, I am not a serial killer (yet, because one never knows these things) and this is probably why I am not privileged with the desensitization to be able to lose it. However, it is something I crave. It would be so much easier to cope, if one did not have to care about others. But there you go, that is the curse those few mis-fortunate of us bear. Which is why I see him as merely an alternate reality to myself- a different set of circumstances, and viola! We'd have a living breathing version of the world's favourite serial killer! I honestly would love to meet the guy who created the character- I would love to know how he came up with the idea, and why, and how it is that his character could be so disturbing and intricate yet believable. So much goes against the stereotype of what people believe as being 'good', but somehow I find myself relating more to a character on tv than I'd believe was ever possible. And here's the 'killer'- that there are people out there who know I feel this way, and don't seem to mind. I'm sure some just don't realise the gravity of it, but I do know that there are yet others who do, and still accept. Its such things that still leave me with a sliver of hope as to there being beauty in humanity, when you filter out all the shit on the surface. It also begs the question if its time humanity as a whole started to seriously re-evaluate its 'moral' ideologies, and indeed if morality should hold such sway in our existence. But that, is a story for a different day.

So what is it that I have in common with a fictional serial killer? That we both hide in plain sight. True, what he's hiding is much more potent; yet it is also identifiable- me, on the other hand, I make no effort to hide, yet hide I do. Where he would WANT his real personality to be invisible, I would rather mine not be. Ironic isn't it? But then again, irony is to life, what oxygen is to humans- so no surprises there.......