Yes, I'm back.. Its weird, talking to yourself yet clearly pretending that someone is listening... Ah well, better get used to it I guess...
So I'm here to face facts.. For some reason I have this absurd notion that somehow, putting this down in writing will make it somehow more bearable. No harm I guess, after all we are all allowed to be human, are we not?? But then again, I would hardly be surprised if life itself has taken for granted that I am not, and ergo am not allowed to be. However, I have decided to ignore this possibility, and rant none-the-less..
So here's what I probably hate about myself the most. Its the bitterness. The bitterness at how I have been granted enough intelligence to understand too much, and hence be incapable of enjoying what I have (which probably is more than I am grateful enough for). Bitterness at how it seems that the very people who speak of how they are scared at being hurt by me, end up being on the flip side of the coin when it drops. Bitterness because of the knowledge that, for whatever the reason, it seems I am incapable of being able to make one person happy for any substantial period of time. Most of all, bitterness brought on by all those experiences which have made this once hopeful, blissfully ignorant and happy boy into this cold, cynical, detached and numb man.
Because man indeed I am. Even though I sometimes wish to forget (my subconscious prompt of "Master" instead of "Mister" at the doctor's recently, comes to mind), it is something I cannot deny. This country drains me, and more and more I feel there is nothing left here for me here. As usual, I find myself longing for some form of motivation to keep living with some level of gusto, so that I can shut off my ever-present yet rarely pleasant train of thought and get on with this nonsense. I do, at the end of the day, in a manner of speaking as it were, but not truly.
I often wonder why, at 24 years of age, I feel like a man who has walked too many thousands of miles in the journey that is life. I have capabilities that I'm sure many people would make much better use of that I. For most, the ability to create an iPhone app within a month would be enough to make them elated enough to jump over the moon- and the chances are, that they would not have to be the only ones who are elated and proud of what they did. But then, pride is yet another emotion, is it not?? One can only mimic it for so long, till it becomes too tiring to maintain the facade..
As to the wants... I used to have many, but one in particular stood out. You might say it used to be the driving force, in a sense. What was this all consuming want?? Well, to have a family. I often used to imagine how I'd bring up my kids, pay close attention to all skills that a good father and husband should have; also, I imagined how I'd treat my wife, and how she'd be able to listen to all her friends complain about their miserable marriages and be able to quietly smile to herself because she had bagged one of the good ones- because HER husband treated her well, loved her with all his heart, respected and cared for her in a manner which left naught to be wanted. In short, I had dreams.
Yet now, I realise the truth- I do not have what a human is required to have, in order to sustain a long-term relationship with any degree of intensity beyond mere friendship. Sure, I apparently give good advice, I could probably cheer you up if you were down, I could understand and relate to your pain and suffering and empathize with you... but all these characteristics are only of any use in the event that I am needed in some way. If I am not needed, I have nothing to offer- no reason for anyone to stick around. I'm not good at pretending that life is peachy, and pretending that I like things, people and circumstances when I don't. I am not able to stomach bullshit with a smile. It takes immense effort on my part to be diplomatic in the situations where one absolutely MUST be so. So bottom line is, if I am not needed, I am of no use. In any relationship, there ALWAYS comes a point where you are not of use, temporarily or otherwise. I believe THAT is the reason why they all left, and will leave in future. So, again, I have lost what little hope I had. Instead, I have decided to come to terms with facts.
One cursory note though- I wonder whether the fact that I do not need the other person has a role in why they leave. I guess I'll never know...
Anyway, back to my solitary existence. Thank you for being a pal, and listening; and many apologies for the many more that you will have to endure in future. Till next time..........
No comments:
Post a Comment