So..... Its been a while, hasn't it?? I'm not particularly interested in analyzing why that is (at least here, and possibly for the first time), so tonight I thought I'll just cut to the chase....
I've come to the sad realization that my happiness indeed depends on someone else.. Yes, I am big enough to say it.. But unfortunately, I am also, well, me.... Possibly the world's biggest (and least known) conundrum.. Which means that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will actually ever be with anyone for a considerable period of time (the reasons for which I will explain in due course) and yet I will most likely not be able to overcome this strange, dissociative and marginally depressed mental state due in part to that very same fact, and also to the facts that a) I don't much care enough to *try*, and b) I feel I don't really have the energy left TO try if I wanted, anymore. "To" try what, you may ask?? Well, to try to maintain an intimate relationship of *that* kind with a female (I'm starting to not be too happy with my semi-homophobia right about now!)..
As is my usual form, I am now going to suddenly switch to the reason that I seem unable to maintain a (I-don't-mean-this-in-the-cliched-way-that-you-think) "relationship".. It seems to me that "good" is never *really* what anyone is looking for in a guy.. Sure, you ask most women and they will inevitably say something which will have you believe that that ISN'T the case, but what it seems to be (in REALITY at least) is that it never IS enough.. I've seen it happen plenty of times (personally as well) and they always say "Its me, and not you"... But the question is- is it?? Really?? Because if something happens to someone over and over, regardless of what anyone says the only logical conclusion is that that person is/ is doing something wrong.. But what can you be doing wrong, if you apparently AREN'T doing anything wrong?? The only possibility is, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, that the problem is that you AREN'T doing anything wrong...
The fact is, a majority of relationships in every shape and form (and no, I am no longer referring only to "those" relationships) are dysfunctional.. We've seen it in our parents, we've seen it WITH our parents, we've seen it here, there, and everywhere... And we always end up looking at it and thinking to ourselves "Now THAT is what I'd never want to be a part of".. But I think we must ask ourselves at this point- what if that IS what we are looking for?? That relationship which is just dysfunctional enough so that you can't let go but aren't truly fulfilled or happy being in?? Its a scary thought, but one I think we must seriously consider, especially given that it is almost ALL we can see around us, and also considering the fact that even though no wrong can be pointed out, it never seems to be enough..
And people call me the optimist! Isn't that just the icing on the cake?? One can only imagine what they must be thinking... Or, well......... I'll let you draw that particular conclusion on your own!;)
So yes, I'm starting to see it now... The good guy never *REALLY* wins, despite what the absurdly projected "humanity" fed to us via the "silver-screen" would have us believe.. So, I guess I have this one place which I can come to and voice my (pseudo) anonymous thoughts and feelings... Well, that is assuming that the big brother doesn't find a way to rob us of the few remaining freedoms we have!;)
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