Hiding in plain sight....

Possibly the most glaring realisation that I have come to as of late, is how little *everyone* around me seems to *really* know me. I don't profess to be the most sociable person, but I feel I am perhaps one of the most honest and straightforward. Despite that, and I don't mean this the way that most pseudo-"misunderstood" people out there mean it, no one knows me..at all. Its amazing how more often than not, people choose to ignore direct words you use to answer their questions, preferring instead their ill-begotten yet evidently more "accurate" conclusions which they have drawn based on the assumption that I am just like everyone else. I guess you can deal with that, as long as the people you still love understand you enough to not make you feel alone...and by alone, I mean truly alone. Not alone technically, but alone none the less; because if no one can see you for who you really are, that's exactly what you're left being.- alone. But then comes the day, that life suddenly decides to "gift" you with this rude awakening; when suddenly the answer to the question "Does ANYONE know me?" is a loud resounding "No". 

See, its not for the lack of effort on my part. I have, thus far, been open and honest with everyone, to a fault even. But it seems like everyone chooses to hear and understand what they want to. I don't blame them, but it tires you out with time. Especially when you can so easily see how little they really get you. As I grow older, rather than being understood better, the opposite is true. And then one day you realise that if you are concerned about what they are going through, almost nobody even realises that you haven't opened up to them, and that maybe something is terribly wrong with you too. Its like you're living life covered by this invisible, semi permeable membrane which allows everyone else to let you in, but doesn't allow anyone else in: basically, one way traffic. The worst part is, you've to keep all this to yourself, because no one will understand.

I realise that I've started to talk to myself sometimes, out loud, when I'm at home. The reason for this is possibly because of some subconscious mechanism to reassure myself that I still have a voice. Most probably not too healthy, but....meh.  I think its time to finally let it all go. To not hold on to this desperate hope, which I've been in denial about even harbouring. And since I seem to have been doing it all these years, despite my efforts to the contrary, I might as well accept it and do it right from now on; I think its time to stop letting people see even hints of what lies beneath,  and just stick to playing the part to a fault. Its time, to don the disguise fully, and *really* hide in plain sight...

"Here....we....go!"

So here we are... New year, new start, new beginning...blah blah blah. 2012 came and went, and not even a hint of the soon-to-be-forgotten "apocalypse". I had a lot to say yesterday, but as seems to be the trend as of late with me, most of it is gone. Maybe I'll come back and re-hash the attempt to record those thoughts when and if they return.

Anyway, I'm trying to not get sick of this year as soon as it starts- which, sadly, is difficult. Its not the best feeling to come into a new year hung over with the residual issues that you didn't really have time to deal with last year. In a way though, I do feel a modicum of calm setting over me, which should coalesce into determination to carry on. I guess we all need our moments to just grieve, hurt, feel down and out and utterly hopeless. Necessary evil, if you will. Then eventually, you get tired of feeling that way, at which point you find a way to delude yourself into believing everything is hunky dory, and life's good... I hope. I still feel terribly tired. The terrible monotony that life is now for me, can be terribly taxing. I guess maybe what I need is to be surprised, to see something which I wouldn't have seen coming and can't understand... maybe. If not its difficult to keep up the pretense of being interested in everything that goes on with everyone else, especially when it is all like one big theatrical performance in which though I am an actor, I am also a detached spectator. I guess I crave to be more like everyone else; able to indulge in delusions (since unfortunately they ARE delusions, and the innocence to think otherwise is lost to me), able to not always need to do the right thing. Its a sad place to be in when you begin to resent your own absurdly over-bearing sense of moral responsibility. Ah, well, what's to be done eh??

Anyway, to all of you who don't have to worry about such useless sentiments as these, and who lead "normal" life, here's sincerely wishing you all a Happy New Year! I just hope you are able to realise how lucky you are to be able to just live life, with "normal" issues and "normal" tendencies towards happiness and sadness, rather than detachment. Also, as a good friend of mine said, be glad to have survived the apocalypse and yet another year of Justin Beiber! *wink*.