Hiding in plain sight....

Possibly the most glaring realisation that I have come to as of late, is how little *everyone* around me seems to *really* know me. I don't profess to be the most sociable person, but I feel I am perhaps one of the most honest and straightforward. Despite that, and I don't mean this the way that most pseudo-"misunderstood" people out there mean it, no one knows me..at all. Its amazing how more often than not, people choose to ignore direct words you use to answer their questions, preferring instead their ill-begotten yet evidently more "accurate" conclusions which they have drawn based on the assumption that I am just like everyone else. I guess you can deal with that, as long as the people you still love understand you enough to not make you feel alone...and by alone, I mean truly alone. Not alone technically, but alone none the less; because if no one can see you for who you really are, that's exactly what you're left being.- alone. But then comes the day, that life suddenly decides to "gift" you with this rude awakening; when suddenly the answer to the question "Does ANYONE know me?" is a loud resounding "No". 

See, its not for the lack of effort on my part. I have, thus far, been open and honest with everyone, to a fault even. But it seems like everyone chooses to hear and understand what they want to. I don't blame them, but it tires you out with time. Especially when you can so easily see how little they really get you. As I grow older, rather than being understood better, the opposite is true. And then one day you realise that if you are concerned about what they are going through, almost nobody even realises that you haven't opened up to them, and that maybe something is terribly wrong with you too. Its like you're living life covered by this invisible, semi permeable membrane which allows everyone else to let you in, but doesn't allow anyone else in: basically, one way traffic. The worst part is, you've to keep all this to yourself, because no one will understand.

I realise that I've started to talk to myself sometimes, out loud, when I'm at home. The reason for this is possibly because of some subconscious mechanism to reassure myself that I still have a voice. Most probably not too healthy, but....meh.  I think its time to finally let it all go. To not hold on to this desperate hope, which I've been in denial about even harbouring. And since I seem to have been doing it all these years, despite my efforts to the contrary, I might as well accept it and do it right from now on; I think its time to stop letting people see even hints of what lies beneath,  and just stick to playing the part to a fault. Its time, to don the disguise fully, and *really* hide in plain sight...