Everything........and nothing

So here I am again. Typing into a blank space on a screen, speaking my mind to the only thing that won't attempt to understand what exactly I am saying and thereby avoiding the slight twinge of frustration at not being understood despite the efforts made to the contrary (I say twinge because that's as much as I can seem to care these days). I seem to have developed a severe apathy to life and all things around me, which makes things.....difficult....to put it lightly.

See the thing with apathy is that it leaves a void so crushing that one must struggle to go about the mundane daily rituals of ordinary existence. It divorces you from any minor sense of connection you might have felt before, instead leaving you with the tiresome sense of....being where you least want to be; stuck in an existence that you are forced to continue with because unfortunately there are certain inherent characteristics within yourself which does not allow you to end it. Therefore you just....carry on. And I do not believe I need to explain the issues of such a set of circumstances. Or maybe I do, but then again, in that case it will be beyond comprehension anyway ergo a futile exercise.

Analysis of this apathetic mind-set is what brings me to the title of this post. See, generally, there are various reasons for apathy (which a quick internet search will reveal to any who are interested). However, like most other things, little if none of it applies to me. As usual, there is nothing...normal...that can be pointed to. Sure, there are things which get to me; and probably chief among them would be, being taken for granted at every turn. I understand that it is partially my fault for allowing it to happen, but at the same time there is a point at which everyone needs to start realising that they are being unfair. Just because I can handle a lot, doesn't mean you should just keep piling things on me. That's the equivalent of destroying your best knife while the worst ones rust due to lack of use. The more logical thing to do, albeit requiring slightly more effort, would be to use each knife for the tasks it CAN handle, rather than burdening the toughest with EVERYTHING. Which, essentially, is what I have come to feel most often. But there are ways and means to fix that if it comes to a head (because no, it hasn't...yet), the question being when. But that is still not THE reason for the apathy. That answer is too complex for me to bother to articulate, as it (as explained earlier) would be yet another fruitless endeavor. But I will get to the point which I was trying to make, which is what I seem to have become (or maybe always was...one never knows).

I am everything....and yet I am nothing. I know that sounded like some zen philosophical statement, although that was far from the intention. I am merely stating what I feel like. I say I am everything, because I feel that I am actually able to be and be whatever I want to be. I do not take pride in that fact, because that is all that it is- a fact. To be treated neither negatively nor positively. Which in a sense, makes me everything. But this leads to a certain paradox, which is that it becomes impossible to give me any sort of label. To give one example (albeit an oversimplification that insults the depth of the premise which I am trying to explain) in school I was too sporty to be a nerd, and too book-oriented to be a jock. Which meant that I was neither. Meaning that I had no place. Which essentially, on a very basic level, sums up my existence. Nether here nor there. Showing characteristics of both, but never truly belonging to either. Its ironic in a sense, if you think about it. People fight, tooth an nail, sometimes sacrificing their lives, to escape from a label. If you don't see the joke in that, then I will clearly be left laughing to myself. *chuckle*

Well, I could go on, but I think I have laid down the substantive core of my premise. Its one of those "You either get it or you don't" kinda deals, so I shall leave it at that. So till next time...

Bone weary...

Be forewarned, today is yet another vent... Yet another “last resort" ramble, which is all I have at this moment in time..

I feel so tired.. The grind, it seems so....endless. That, however, is not even the main reason for the exhaustion. I feel exhausted, because I have to fight for everything. Every day is a battle. Every step is hard. There are days, like this, where I wish for nothing more than an end to all this. When you have to fight for every minute detail, every seemingly insignificant little thing, including so many basic things that every one around you takes for granted, you keep asking yourself why- and what for. And to me, increasingly, the answer seems to be a big nought. A zilch. A zero.

I generally manage things well with my detachment. It helps me cope with so many things. I always try my best, to do the right thing, especially by everyone. And to possibly the greatest extent possible, I have managed. But, contrary to what we are brought up to believe, it doesn't change anything. And however hard you try, life will always throw something at you which will make living difficult and complicated. You can never come to a point of balance and stay there for long, because there will always be something.

Like people who suddenly decide to pretend things are different from what they are, despite their actions to the contrary, just because they have found some semblance of balance. Or people who continue to hold on to things they know are gone, and which deep down they know are less than what they deserve, and choose to ignore the better thing that is staring them in the face. Or people who think they know you, and who think that you are simple, and who think they are opening up to you, not realising that they have that feeling because of quite the opposite.

And, there will always be the people who need me. At a point, that used to give me purpose. But I am beginning to resent these seemingly desirable traits I possess. I am beginning to resent my inability to be selfish; my inability to walk on the wrong side of the line to get what I might dare to want; my inability, most of all, to WANT, because it has become so ingrained in me through experience that nothing I want will I ever get. So instead, I find myself stuck in this void, this meaningless existence, unable to find reason, yet knowing that I will not let go. That, like a cockroach, I will survive. To continue to be misunderstood, and never seen for what I am. Always alone, alienated, never really part of this...life.

How I wish I could be ignorant. Unable to comprehend, unable to see, like so many around me. But as they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...".

Crawling...

Back to you, my old (and possibly only) friend. As...ungrateful as that may sound, it increasingly feels like the truth. I find myself drifting, but unmoving..

So...New year...another one..joy! -_- The title pretty much sums it up, I guess.. That's what life has come to feel like.. Just existence, just because. Makes everything a chore. And makes one so...tired. But sadly there is that knowledge that you will go on for as long as you have to.

Also, as fucked up a realisation as it is to come to just days before a new calendar year, I've come to realize that I am increasingly finding it impossible to pick myself up and join in the festivities, no matter who I'm with. And I realise how little..rather, almost no...“hope"...I have. It's come to that point that anyone telling me about having hope for me annoys me to the hilt. Sigh.

It really sucks, being hardwired to be unhappy so long as you're alone, yet being so much a freak that you are, indeed, alone. How ever many people care....And are around you...And want to be there for you..because sadly, the feeling rarely, if ever, goes away. And it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the mask on. And console the people who care, and assure them you are ok. And socialize...especially with people who are demanding.

I could go on, but what's the point? Even ramblings have their limits. So till next time...