So here I am again. Typing into a blank space on a screen, speaking my mind to the only thing that won't attempt to understand what exactly I am saying and thereby avoiding the slight twinge of frustration at not being understood despite the efforts made to the contrary (I say twinge because that's as much as I can seem to care these days). I seem to have developed a severe apathy to life and all things around me, which makes things.....difficult....to put it lightly.
See the thing with apathy is that it leaves a void so crushing that one must struggle to go about the mundane daily rituals of ordinary existence. It divorces you from any minor sense of connection you might have felt before, instead leaving you with the tiresome sense of....being where you least want to be; stuck in an existence that you are forced to continue with because unfortunately there are certain inherent characteristics within yourself which does not allow you to end it. Therefore you just....carry on. And I do not believe I need to explain the issues of such a set of circumstances. Or maybe I do, but then again, in that case it will be beyond comprehension anyway ergo a futile exercise.
Analysis of this apathetic mind-set is what brings me to the title of this post. See, generally, there are various reasons for apathy (which a quick internet search will reveal to any who are interested). However, like most other things, little if none of it applies to me. As usual, there is nothing...normal...that can be pointed to. Sure, there are things which get to me; and probably chief among them would be, being taken for granted at every turn. I understand that it is partially my fault for allowing it to happen, but at the same time there is a point at which everyone needs to start realising that they are being unfair. Just because I can handle a lot, doesn't mean you should just keep piling things on me. That's the equivalent of destroying your best knife while the worst ones rust due to lack of use. The more logical thing to do, albeit requiring slightly more effort, would be to use each knife for the tasks it CAN handle, rather than burdening the toughest with EVERYTHING. Which, essentially, is what I have come to feel most often. But there are ways and means to fix that if it comes to a head (because no, it hasn't...yet), the question being when. But that is still not THE reason for the apathy. That answer is too complex for me to bother to articulate, as it (as explained earlier) would be yet another fruitless endeavor. But I will get to the point which I was trying to make, which is what I seem to have become (or maybe always was...one never knows).
I am everything....and yet I am nothing. I know that sounded like some zen philosophical statement, although that was far from the intention. I am merely stating what I feel like. I say I am everything, because I feel that I am actually able to be and be whatever I want to be. I do not take pride in that fact, because that is all that it is- a fact. To be treated neither negatively nor positively. Which in a sense, makes me everything. But this leads to a certain paradox, which is that it becomes impossible to give me any sort of label. To give one example (albeit an oversimplification that insults the depth of the premise which I am trying to explain) in school I was too sporty to be a nerd, and too book-oriented to be a jock. Which meant that I was neither. Meaning that I had no place. Which essentially, on a very basic level, sums up my existence. Nether here nor there. Showing characteristics of both, but never truly belonging to either. Its ironic in a sense, if you think about it. People fight, tooth an nail, sometimes sacrificing their lives, to escape from a label. If you don't see the joke in that, then I will clearly be left laughing to myself. *chuckle*
Well, I could go on, but I think I have laid down the substantive core of my premise. Its one of those "You either get it or you don't" kinda deals, so I shall leave it at that. So till next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment