The Bicentennial Man, a Master’s thesis, Programmable Evolution and the Apocalypse....

Yes, I know, the topic is seemingly so random; what the HELL am I on about one may think?? Where exactly is the connection in these four seemingly random things?? Well, if you decided to bear with me, let me explain...

Just the other day I was out judging some debates; which, in spite of making me feel old, generally serves as a means for meeting interesting and diverse people who (like myself!) somehow find themselves judging debates (of all things!) on a Sunday morning. One such conversation is what led to this post....

I was speaking to the one person out of the lot of us who is not in the field of Law. Incidentally, it turned out that he had completed his Master’s thesis on the theoretical simulation of Artificial Intelligence. This has, incidentally, been a topic that has always caught my imagination, and that is what re-ignited this train of thought.

The concept of simulation of Artificial Intelligence has indeed intrigued me from the beginning, as I’m sure it has so many others. I should mention here that by AI I am not talking about programmable systems which masquerade as AI, but rather AI in its truest form- the artificial reproduction of Intelligence; the ability to actually think in the same capacity as a Human (which we believe to be the highest “intelligence”, which is arguable!). This particular person, who I consider to be a genius of sorts, has (as far as is my understanding) forwarded the idea that AI may be achieved by arranging basic circuits that stimulate human neurons in a particularly intricate, yet dynamic pattern. In short, it is his idea that in the pattern lays the simulation of intelligence. His thesis is of course far more complex than I care to elaborate on, if I indeed CAN, so I shall stop at the basic principle. This is in fact an interesting and THEORETICALLY plausible idea, albeit seemingly not practically viable. But it is indeed a thought in the right direction, considering the progress up to date. However, as I have no academic knowledge to support my ideas, from here on I will continue on an entirely unsupported and unsubstantiated basis.

In my many (useless!) ponderings on the subject, my idea is that evolution is what would be required if we were to re-create intelligence artificially. It is of course nothing more than a general idea, but in simulating evolution, we should be able to achieve artificial intelligence in its truest form eventually. And this is where the movie “The Bicentennial Man” comes in...

If you have not watched it, and if you are in fact fascinated with the whole concept of AI as I am, I suggest you watch it. It is a movie that beautifully encapsulates what it is to be human, and how the finite nature of our existence plays a fundamental role in our humanity. Rather than delve into the nitty-gritty’s of Artificial Intelligence itself, the movie chooses to focus more on the implication of AI once it has been successfully achieved. In my humble opinion, it has done a wonderful job.

This in turn led me to the last and most disturbing realisation- how useless and potentially devastating such a success would be on humanity. Honestly, why would we spend so much time, effort and resources in trying to develop something which nature has successfully produced for eons? And is it not disturbing, to associate “Artificial” and “Intelligent” together? In essence, we would be creating something that, once created, would be beyond our control. I’ve heard many theories on the Apocalypse, but I’m starting to believe that success in this fruitless and un-necessary endeavour of achieving Artificial intelligence sounds by far the most possible end to the world (our world) as we know it!

So there you have it, my theory on the Apocalypse! :)

A small insight into my personality....

SO I realised that while I’ve been quite explicit on certain issues I’ve analyzed, that there is very little on here about me. This, of course, stems from yet another......wait for it........realisation!!:D (I know, enough already, right?? ;)ROFL!)

I’m not going into a lengthy discussion of explaining myself, rather I’m going into a lengthy discussion of one particular thing. People who know me have probably noticed this, and would probably go “Like DUH!!” but the truth is, till it’s said, I doubt anyone quite put a finger on it.....

I’m generally a very patient person, and there isn’t much that gets under my skin. There is one particular thing though- and that is when people either lie, or hide the truth from me. I take it as a personal insult to my intelligence, my rationality, and further as making decisions for me (which, incidentally, is something ELSE I loathe!). How is it equal to a decision made on my behalf? Well, simply, because the decision not to tell me something (especially when I DIERECTLY ask about it!) is made on the basis that that person feels they know how I would react; that they know what is better for me; so much so that they know even better than ME whether I will want to know, or if I SHOULD know. I personally think that if it’s something which relates to me, I have a right to know. If I directly ask someone about something that directly affects me, I feel they should be obliged to tell me. It is a continuous nagging itch in my side, when such a thing happens. I think time and time again I have proven that I’m more rational than average, that people NEVER quite expect my reaction, and that telling me generally (and surprisingly!) improves the situation rather than complicates it. And on occasion, not telling me has proven to be the CAUSE of the problem, to the extent that if I was told before, unnecessary tension and stress could have been avoided. So, what I cannot fathom is why people would not TELL me straight, what exactly is going on!!

And who, when they do this, annoy me the most you may ask?? Well, ironically, the people who are closest to me!! Of course it’s easy to forgive them when they had my interests at heart, and when they’ve properly gauged my reaction. I, of course, can’t blame those people who do not know me for not telling me things straight up, because (evidently!) they don’t know me!!:P But, those few who I’d give life and limb for?? Who I’d walk through hell and back for?? It is so hard to forgive them. Sometimes I wish they would understand that the very fact that I will always be there for them in almost any capacity they’d need me, is the very reason that they shouldn’t be worried about being brutally honest and straight with me!

Sometimes, all it takes is the plain, unadulterated truth to solve a problem, which exists because of the lack or withholding of information. I appreciate that some things seem like they cannot be told, and sometimes you want to deny the truth simply because you cannot justify it to yourself. But there are times in life where we must share our burdens with others, and maybe, just maybe, they will understand, forgive and accept you for who you are. Sometime, that which you think is a grave mistake, or an unimaginable wrong, may be something that needn’t have worried you, once shared. And sometimes, there will be people who will support you whenever you need them, and your only fault will have been that you didn’t trust them. Sometime, there will be people who will make everything ok, as long as you trust your feelings and intimate naked moments with them. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I’d like to think that sometimes, to a very small group of people, I AM that person. There is nothing that saddens me more, in the spirit of being misunderstood, than when I’m not seen to be that person by those few..... There is nothing that I could wish for more, than that I could change that. But as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!! (Rue full smile!)

Direction, purpose and understanding..

As usual, here I am again, due to my never-ending train of thought.. Since the reasons for the thoughts themselves are of no consequence, I guess I shall not waste time on such trivial matters and get straight to the point (or rather, as 'straight' to the point as is possible with me!)

I guess I always knew this, yet it has become startlingly clear in the recent past. We always search for a purpose, for a niche we fit into. I'm not sure if we all know it inherently and are just blinded by the mundane, but now that I see it, I realise I knew it all along.

It is startling how much we know, yet are not aware of, which is another realisation in itself!

I am the colloquial manifestation of a 'freak'- an anomaly. Something that cannont be understood, because it is different to what is normal, or rather, what is normal for a human. I've always lived my life feeling out of place, unable to quite fit in. Its not even funny how many times, and through how many lips I've heard words similar to 'you're different' or 'you don't count' when I point out that my behaviour contradicts a generalization that was just made. I'm also sure that if anyone who knows me reads this, while they will be denying this consciously, a tiny voice at the back of their heads will echo the truth in these words. Because to know me is to know this is true. I am unique, like everyone else, yet I am unique even in my uniqueness. Maybe this is merely a self absorbed ramble, but I guess its justified, seeing that thats exactly the purpose of a blog- just a way of documenting one's own thoughts, and it doesn't take a genius to know who'll take prominence there!

This leads to my next point- the fact that my constant companion shall always be solitude. Over and over, I find that it is only myself who understands me. Looking back, I realise that it seems to have been that way from the beginning. While I was always adaptable, it was more a necessity than a longing. I'm not saying that there was never a time where acceptance played a major part in my decisions, but most often in my life, it has not. I've rarely ever cared what people thought or think, as it really makes no difference to me. The only exception is that which those I care about think and feel. Yet even that is for their sake rather than mine. So my level of attachment to most things should be evident by now.

It will be interesting, to say the least, how accurate this will be in time. Oh, I have not overlooked the possibility that this is a phase, a figment of my imagination, in order to deal with the harsh reality of life. Possible, true- yet probable? Unlikely, at best. But interesting it will indeed be, and possibly revealing, if I do ever re-visit these records of my thoughts, as they were inventeded to be.



And the conclusion? Where am I heading with all this? The conclusion is the realisation that I am a solitary being. Singular, never to be multiple. There was a brief period of my life that I believed otherwise, but that it has passed. I am surrounded by a small circle, and that shall remain- a circle, rather than a sphere- surrounding, yet never becoming one. I see that more clearly than ever. I guess my life and normal were never meant to collide. Even if they did, as happened that one time, it tips things so off balance, that they need to be separate once more for things to be right again, which is what happened. So why deny the obvious? Acceptance they say is the key to peace, and after all, is peace not the elusive goal? Its ironic, in a way, that I should be as I am- a

solitary being, who cannot help but be the center of attention, for some forsaken reason. While others crave such a thing, I cannot fathom why it would be necessary, as attention is not something that one should lust after. Such a pity, that I can't actually be in the shadows, the background, where I feel comfortable. Yet I can always try- in fact, I'm slowly but surely slipping into just that sort of routine. It won't be easy, but maybe, just maybe, it will be worth the effort. So, in the words of some famous musician (whose name I cannot recall at this moment) 'I walk alone'..........

The Soul-mate theory

So......dormancy in the current year it seems!! We're almost into the last quarter, and this is my first post. But then, I was never really one for regularity here! I guess, ironically, the main reason for this blog was the very reason I did not really need to blog! But then, things change.. One realizes things which only vaguely flitted across one's subconscious, never to be grasped, comes to the fore when people realize that things they took for granted about themselves and others whose lives they influence were not as important as they thought, once given due consideration. It is in this backdrop that I have formed my theory, which I have decided to record.....

I am a thinker. I have realized over the years, and especially through recent events, that I am able to detach myself from mental anguish through understanding. What drives me insane is what I cannot comprehend and rationalize, because I know that, when looked at objectively, life DOES make sense. Many people find solace in resignation, where they merely make themselves believe that life does not make sense, because that is simply easier. I envy them.... I have lived with the belief that ignorance is bliss. Awareness is a curse, when it is too acutely tuned to every minor detail of ones life. This is further complicated by the need to rationalize. But such is life. You cannot amend and control it like most other things that you are subjected to during the course of it. Life happens. Its up to the individual to understand that one's life is a personal and solitary journey. It is a mistake to think you can depend on other people's experiences to make decisions and comprehend what is going on in your own life, because subtle differences can change situations around in inconceivable ways, which will most likely render the advice or experience shared obsolete in the context of the situation to which SHOULD apply. Thus, I have ended up here...

I did not believe in soul mates. The belief that there is only one person out there for you (as I believed to be the general idea) is a difficult pill to swallow. Also, at the time, I had no experience in the matter, so there I let it lie. Though I say this, my conscious and sub-conscious minds have always been at odds. Because I now realize that my monogamous thinking pattern was a subconscious acceptance of the principle my conscious mind rejected. It in fact came to a point where I worried that I was not interested in a female partner, because I was just too picky. Or so I thought. In retrospect, I realize that I did not consider anyone who did not fit into a certain mould. The mould itself is irrelevant, but not the realization of its existence. I have only ever been interested in two people in my life romantically (thus far), and had an affair with only one. I fell in love with her, and I realized what I probably knew deep down; that one DOES have a soul mate. At this point, I did believe; but I did not comprehend the true meaning of it. For I believed what we all wish were true; in the fairytale that that one person will not only complete you and make you whole, but will also be inherently and irrevocably compatible with you. Life made sense. There was a new found sense of purpose, a future to look forward to and work towards. I had felt that void, and now it was complete. Whatever came my way, I could deal with. Everything would be all right. Yet it is this very misconception that left reality slightly out of focus. Comprehension of the true meaning of one's soul mate came, when the mine fell out of love with me. I suddenly realized what I had not been willing to see.. that we were inherently incompatible personalities. Let me clarify; things were far from perfect, leave alone ideal. There were many hurdles I knew we would have to deal with and overcome. However, they were merely that-hurdles to be overcome. That indescribable "wholeness" you feel makes every complication worth overcoming. Yet, what I did not realize was that we wanted different things in life. On the surface, our dreams seemed to coincide, but it was not till she felt she needed a break that I realized that what I was willing to deal with for now would never change; that we had chosen different paths in life. Compromise is a valuable and indispensable tool in ones arsenal in the clash that is marriage, and it works in most often sufficient. Yet in this instance, I knew it would be useless. For if she felt the need to change for me, she would grow to resent me; where as if I chose to accept what was, I would be miserable and in turn make her life miserable. I could not do that to her, or myself. Which is when I reached the crippling realization that one's soul mate is merely that; a SOUL mate. I now see that the one person who completed my soul need not necessarily be compatible with me in every other sense. I've further realized that the fact that someone is YOUR soul mate need not necessarily mean that you are hers (or vice versa). So now I realize that my path has changed. I no longer look for that one person, for I have found her, yet.... I will leave it unsaid. I'm not pining over it, and I feel very little pain. I've accepted what is, rather than what I'd like or wish could be. As I said, we must deal with the hand that we are dealt. I indeed find it ironic that the reasons that made her what she is to me are most likely the very same reasons why we could not be together, and also the reason I was not the one for her. So I move on. I have not given up on happiness, merely accepted a slightly less Utopian definition of it. I know I can be happy and content with someone else, albeit to a lesser degree that what I might have been. I also know that this fact will not adversely affect my happiness, for I know that what may have been can never be so. So in essence its not settling for anything, as you might think I believe. On the contrary,it is rather the acceptance of the reality that potential is not equal to manifestation. So the mere potential of absolute happiness, which is what we had, will never be manifested. That will never change, under any circumstance. I know that now. So one day, my only hope is for someone who will be willing to accept this unfortunate flaw I have acquired, be objective, and let me make them happy, as I know I will be able to. I know there are at least a handful of women I "can live with" as the saying goes, so I hope that that "someone" is one of them. Till then, I shall take things as the come. Because my search has taken on a different nature, one with a more practical outlook. Yet it is a search none-the-less. I guess now it will take more effort, since the natural gravitation is no longer existent, and I must consciously wade my way through the waters. So onwards down a different path it is! This is merely a memory recorded, to hopefully be revisited at a later date. If you have read this far, I'll apologize for anything overly confusing. As this is more for personal reference than anything else, I have not been very careful in drafting it from an objective perspective. I do hope however that it was, in the very least, interesting; and possibly of some value to you personally. So till we meet again.........thank you for your time!!:)

A moment for reflection......

Well, before I delve into the depths of unraveling the bottled up thoughts and ideas nestled within my skull, let me take a moment to explain my long absence. It is for the most part due to the steps that one must begin to take towards adulthood, when on the precipice between it and ones carefree childhood. For I do believe that on the one hand I am in the middle of the slow and painful yet, inevitable step towards the hassles of adult life, and on the other that my childhood did in fact extend further than I could have possibly expected. So I guess what I am trying to say is that at this point, I cannot complain, all things considered.

Many things have happened in the course of the past year, has it been?? My path has imparted much understanding, some of which I hope to account for in what is to follow. Unfortunately, where to begin and whither it shall end, is beyond me at present. So I guess you, my dear reader, are along for the ride!!

Let me start with some musings about what is by far the most important aspect of my life. I'm sure my previous posts will attest to the fact that my "ray of sunshine" would undoubtedly occupy this position. She gives me strength in more ways than she can imagine, or than she will ever know. And though I firmly believe it is impossible to understand me in the truest sense of the word, I also believe that no one has, or ever will succeed in that endeavor to a greater degree than she. However, sometimes I wonder as to the true extent to which she HAS succeeded. I feel sometimes that she tries to impress me, when in fact there is no need for her to try at all! The only analogy which comes to mind is of a climber who has reached the pinnacle of the highest mountain peak, yet strives to rise further, which can only lead to disappointment, due to the impossibility of the attempt! It seems as though she does not understand how much I love her, and that it is who she is, that impresses me. I also wonder as to whether she truly understand what I feel for her. For sometimes it seems as though she does not understand the depth of my emotions. Its as if she does not realise that it goes beyond the petty arguments, and what she looks like, and what people think of her. Sometimes I wonder whether she understands that however mad I may get as things go along, that I will never love her any less; or how vulnerable it makes me feel!!! I also tend to wonder whether the same feelings are reciprocated; but the irony is that even if they were not, I still would be in the same predicament, for not even then would be capable of changing my feelings. I harbour no illusions that the words here written will ever be capable of expressing the true nature of my emotions, nor that she would accept them to be more than mere words, for thus is to be human- we are afraid of being hurt, and therefore we do not allow ourselves to feel; for to feel, would be to get hurt. And at the dusk of our lives, we find that the fear of so many possibilities has stolen from us our live; for in fear of what might be, we have lost what was.....

Then there are the practical implications of our relationship. That is currently the biggest worry on my mind. For a lad in SL, its no secret that financial stability is hard to achieve this side of 30. However, my target is a lot closer to home, and I am constantly pondering as to whether, and if so how, the process can be sped up. To add to matters, circumstances have proved to be against my relationship in the eyes of my parents, which is yet another weight on my shoulder. Though that is likely sorted out much easier than the former, the fact that it cannot be remedied until the time comes is frustrating to say the least. In conclusion, I guess one must bear ones burden for a predetermined period of time. Apart from that, I'd say I am quite content with the direction that my life is taking.

On a cursory note, I believe the alarming number of funerals this year has provided with me with a insight on the phenomenon of death. It is not so much the person who parts our company, rather the people who are left behind, who in fact are most affected and most in need of support. Thus I feel that the importance in attending the funeral is more to show those persons who mean something to us who have been unfortunate enough to lose someone, that we are there for them, and that they are not alone. Many people who have not understood this, but who have realised that there is not much point in turning up for the funeral (apart from making an appearance and furthering ones social aspirations!) from the point of view of the person who has parted our company, often pay a cursory visit to the funeral proceedings, and forget the most important thing, which would be to be there for the family after all the pomp and pageantry is done. Its an unfortunate but truthful reality in our short and turbulent existence.

I feel I have rambled on far more than is becoming for a single post. Therefore, till we meet again, I bid you adieu......

And on to a new chapter.....

This is where i finally come to the quiet decision to depart from the usual (and I'm sure somewhat confusing) style of writing which i tend to lapse into automatically. It's not like this lapse is intentional per say; which means that it will be necessary for me to make a conscious effort in favour of keeping it simple (at least by my highly biased standards!!). So i would implore you to be so kind as to forgive the occasional lapse.

So here goes;

For the first time in my life (and possibly one of the rarest of occasions) I have NO idea what this post is about. So if there is a heading to this post, it most probably will be a reflection of the essence of the post in its entirety. Hence the reason the connection isn't apparent as yet.

Well, lets see.... I guess the most significant change in my life is, as should be apparent from my previous posts, my ray of sunshine!! Because that is truly what she is to me!! Even though there IS the occasional chill that is shot my way, it still cannot dampen the warmth identical (if not markedly more intense) to that which one gets when a ray of sunlight falls on his face!! Oh, the wonders of Love!!

Let me, however, make one thing clear at this early stage. I was not BORN like this. In fact to be this way would be going against the very grain of my temperament. I was probably the most ardent believer in the fact that there was no such thing as true love. It was more about the practical compatibility of two people, rather than the colloquial butterflies and flowers which one is led to believe is what Love truly is. This is where the irony which i have come to associate with life in its purest form comes into play. It is somewhat amusing, to say the least, how in hindsight life has a way of kicking one in the shins by way of a reality check; simply put, how life loves to bite one in the rear!! I'm sure we can all relate to that on some level or another. It appears prudent to call them "Life's little reality checks"!! Not that i would complain about this particular one though!!

Which brings me to my next realisation. I have just arrived at the conclusion that NOTHING in life comes for free; and by that i mean that where there is an up,there is always a down. For an example,you can have the perfect relationship, but the mere fact that its perfect will mean that you will end up missing this special someone whenever you cant be with them. The irony is that it is ENTIRELY because the relationship is perfect, while that is the very reason you would hold on and never let it go!! Which is, undoubtedly, among the most inescapable catch 22 situations!! But i guess it what adds the spice to life. And i must say, i would rather be here, in this situation than any other!!

Life on a general basis is good!! I'm in love with this wonderful person who i miss so often, I'm becoming the cliche of the century;I'm working at a top firm, which is a window of opportunity; I'm FINALLY getting the long awaited guitar (and by long awaited, im talking 5 years long!!!); Money isn't as scarce as i would have expected ;-). So on the whole, I cant complain. I'm quite satisfied and happy with the whole situation!!

The damsel in the ivory tower......

As with any normal being, my life is not devoid of the amazing bond shared with that single special person which, more simply put, is commonly referred to as "love". But there the similarity to the average ends. For my current situation is very different to that of the average person. This is because of the many misconceptions surrounding the term "love"!

But before i delve into the deep and murky waters of explanation, let me (as is soon becoming second nature to me) explain my metaphor of choice. Well, as I'm sure you all know, the most common story the Dragon tells is that of the protector of the damsel in the tall tower. The reason my damsel lives in an ivory tower is that the "ivory tower" is our illustration of the unrealistic take on reality; something of what seems to be an impossibility, as it were. So the damsel is in the ivory tower because she did, in fact seem an impossibility- I would even have gone so far as to call her a myth before i met her!

So going back to the Dragons role in the story. The usual scenario is that the damsel is guarded by the poor creature, who is depicted as the monstrous beast, the final barrier necessarily overcome by the "Prince charming" , whose arrival the damsel longingly awaits. But never for a moment does anyone stop to think that maybe it is the Dragon who, in fact cares most for this damsel it so closely guards. And in repayment, what be its plight? A slit in its throat or a stab in the heart by the Prince who damsel is awaiting!! In one way, it wouldn't be wrong to say that under the circumstances, the Dragon could not hope for a better ending. For after the arrival of the Prince, there is nothing more for the Dragon; it has done its part, played its role to perfection, and has nothing to look forward to except the agony of unexpressed love, never to be returned in kind. Gladly, however, this is where the story of this Dragon is far cry from the average. For this Dragon has indeed found its damsel in the ivory tower, who amazingly is capable of understanding the reasons for its actions, and would gladly climb its thorny back to soar on the winds of time, away from all the so called "Princes" who only promise a life of misery after all the initial pomp and pageantry. This Dragon's damsel understands that it has only her best interests at heart, and appreciates it for what it is. This is why the story of this Dragon is swiftly taking a very different path, to a very different ending.

And all this, this Dragon will readily attribute to it's damsel. For it is this amazing lady who gives meaning to its life. It is her that is the wind the Dragon was looking for; the reason it soars so high. And so much more , that it would galdly die than even attempt to put down in words what she means to it.

On that note let me leave the promised dive into "murky waters" for another day. For to do so now would be to take away the emphasis on the actual reason for this post; who indeed deserves so much more than this measly attempt at an explanation. But let no mistake be made about just how much this Dragons damsel means to it!!