Thoughts on selflessness...

Before I begin, I'm sure anyone who reads this is thinking that this is a myth. That humans cannot be selfless. You know what though? I disagree. We can, and some of us have a predisposition to be. I will however say, such people are rare....as is becoming increasingly obvious.

To clarify, I don't think this is necessarily something that is desirable in and of itself. In fact, its something that if left unchecked, takes a huge toll on a person. I know this through experience. I have taught myself to evaluate people, and first asses whether someone is worth caring about, given the price it generally entails. So this has made me into someone who will do anything for the few people I care about, often without considering the cost to myself. In the other extreme, I have learned not to do things for anyone else if it will negatively impact  my life, which can sometimes come off as me being cold and detached. It is, however, the only balance I can maintain. Also, to be honest, I couldn't care less what random people think of me.

This is not something I have considered solely from my perspective either. If I consider everyone I know well, I can honestly say I know two people who are truly selfless. One is my mother, and the other I'd rather not mention. What I have seen though, is how they both suffer/ suffered because of their selflessness. Its sad, but when you are surrounded by people who most often ONLY consider things from their perspective, the likelihood of being taken advantage of, and being taken for granted is absurdly high. People also have a very deplorable quality of forgetting a million positive things, rather choosing to define another person by their worst moments. I don't think I need to elaborate further, as the implications should be fairly clear.

Most of the above was a result of one of those lonely moments, plus a family function and a.....memory. Which got me to wondering; does that mean that, the only people that a selfless person can depend on is another selfless person? Think about it....if a person has a predisposition to put people they care about before themselves, logically the best match would be someone who would do the same. That way, the relationship would be one where both people would put the other above, or at least on par, with themselves. Which, is a very scary thought given how few and far between such people are. Doesn't bode well for my "future prospects".

The irony is that, this is probably reading like a very self-righteous and egotistical rant although it is possibly the opposite. Contrary to popular belief, selflessness is NOT a good thing, particularly when it is the inherent reaction. Like all other things, it must be done in moderation and it is difficult when you are built to question any selfish act.

Also, its hard to fight the feeling of alienation. Its difficult to feel part of anything when, what could be called a basic human instinct (i.e. Selfishness) is lacking. I try to ignore it, and I try to pretend otherwise, but deep down that feeling of not belonging is infinitely hard to shake, given how deep seated it has become. Whenever I am not distracting myself, I wonder what I'm doing here. Because everyone around me is strange, and they seem to be a part of something I am not. Sure I understand, and sure I am good at pretending. Sometimes though, I cannot help but face the fact.

Ok, done with the vent for today. So till next time......

Relatability

So, I've been thinking (shocker), and I have come to yet another "realisation" (surprise!). *smirk* Seems like its time that I abbreviated that sentence into an acronym, so that I don't have to type it out as often as I do.

Anyway, getting back on point. Had a chat with a close friend over social integration, group dynamics and general alienation. Then, that evening I watched the latest X-men movie (which, by the way, I felt was pretty good. Satisfying, even with the liberal interpretation of the comics). These things, coupled with most of my romantic entanglements, and evaluating my friendships made me think about how and why I am where I am. Not that I am complaining, because honestly I am not. It is what it is, and what it is would be negative only when you choose to see it that way. So I choose not to, rather seeing it as just a fact. To clarify, I'm referring to the alienation.

To give a somewhat brief explanation, I have always felt (and still do feel) like a completely solitary, detached person. Most often I see life, including my own experiences, in the third person. In fact, so much so that I wonder why everyone around me sees so little. Maybe its paranoia, maybe its a delusion, but...that's how I feel. Now this is not to say that I am perfect, and that I am incapable of being human. Because I am, as I am reminded in the most inconvenient ways sometimes! The fact remains though, that I feel that way a fraction of the time that most people do. 

So moving on to the realisation. I am different, to everyone, because as explained earlier I am what you may refer to as an oxymoron- full of contrasting characteristics. This means that I have certain attributes which contrasts drastically from each other. At best, there are a rare few who MAY relate to me in those particular ways (bear with me, that wasn't it!).

Now the thing about humans is, that each individual wants to be unique. Everyone wants to FEEL like they are different. Its not enough that they are, by definition and in reality. They want it to be tangible. They want to feel special, and like they are not really part of the crowd. This has the effect of individuals latching on to any seeming deviation from the norm that they see in their characteristics, and developing that trait. They go so far as to build a self image based on this, and adopt attributes which align with this image. Then you add the fact that everyone wants a partner who they can relate to, so they prize someone who is unique in the same way. This is all well and good, if they meet someone who has adopted the characteristic like they did. Unfortunately, that is not me.

I am the person who has those characteristics by default, organically. When they meet me, they initially think "Oh! Someone who understands me, because he feels just like I do!". So its all well and good initially, because there is distinct overlap at the outset. This eventually changes though. Eventually, the difference between the organic and mechanically-adopted characteristic come to light. They realise that they didn't REALLY feel that way, because they cant relate to how the organic version of that characteristic manifests. So they re-evaluate themselves, and realise that they actually can't relate.

So here lies the problem. I live in a world where people subconsciously adopt characteristics which are not their own. This is because of some misguided need to feel different in a tangible way. This is not me venting, nor me being upset about it, because I understand. I do, however, sometimes wish it wasn't the case. I sometimes wish that people were more aware of themselves, and had a more accurate self image. I say this especially for selfish reasons, because I would have options in meeting "someone" (I think you know what I mean). I also wish that people would go about life in a more matter of fact way, without aspiring to be something or someone they feel they OUGHT or would LIKE to be, focusing instead on who they actually are. It seems so pointless. Granted I used to wish that I was not so unique, and granted I probably have moments when I still do. Still, I realise what IS, and have worked at accepting that, and to a great extent I have been successful at it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish there were more people who were closer to that, where I am; having a more accurate image of themselves than they do.

I have, however, accepted and come to terms with this as well. This does not frustrate and upset me like it used to, which I am infinitely glad about. I have decided to embrace my solitude, and enjoy the detached perspective it offers. Makes my life a lot less complicated, and allows me to focus on living in the moment (yet another agreeable concept which is propounded by Buddhist philosophy). So that is my realisation, and how I choose to deal with it. I hope you enjoyed the read! So till next time.....

The (material) things I want in life....

So I decided, lest I forget, to make a list of things (material) which I want (but don't need)... Perhaps it will be interesting to revisit this in a few (or many) years. So here goes (in no particular order);

1. Acrhtop guitar and a solid body (ideally a Les paul, most likely a replica).
2. Bass guitar.
3. Guitar amplifier.
4. Piano.
5. Saxaphone.
6. Long bow/ re-curve bow/ both.
7. A katana.
8. A Longstaff.
9. A decent knife collection (Every-day carry, tactical, hunting...etc).
10. Digital SLR with a 50mm prime lens (or equivalent if full frame), and at least a 18-300mm lens (or a combination of 18-200 and something which goes up to maybe 400mm)
11. a) A Ford mustang (initially wanted a 1967 Shelby GT 250, but since the new line is looking more classic..perhaps latest model?). Note: Highly unlikely, but...oh well, one can dream, yes?
11. b) A Nissan GT-R35 (slightly more likely than the Mustang).
11. c) A BMW M5 E60 (This is the most likely one- Also the ideal car, realistically).
12. A decent liquor cabinet.
13. A workshop with woodwork tools, electronic tools and possibly metal-work tools.
14. A Mac (unless the iPhone loses its confounding popularity, in which case... This will be down to a maybe).
15. A beach-front holiday bungalow.
16. A Nakamichi sound system (or, if there is something which can compare at the time, that.).


Yep, as at right now, I believe that covers it. I shall update if and when the need arises, with indication as to updates. I figure, I'm probably going to have to give the whole "buying my happiness" business a shot, so....perhaps its a good idea to have an outline to work with! *bared-tooth-grin*

So yes, that is, as at now, a list of things I want. Lets see how far I get before I'm....50? So till next time....