Magic... The real kind

So hello again... I know its been a while, but what can I say? As nice as it is, happiness and satisfaction does not provide much inspiration, because as Rob Thomas said- You are too busy enjoying it to want to spend time writing about it...

And yet, there are some times in life where you just cannot contain yourself. Often it is due to extreme grief, sorrow or pain but sometimes..... It is quite the opposite. Sometimes, you cannot contain the feeling of joy, happiness and satisfaction.

So here I am writing about it. As usual. This time though, there is one small difference. Unlike the few times before, this time.... I have actually shared my feelings with someone. This time, I (surprisingly) am not afraid. My head is reminding me that I should be, and that I should  be my usual careful skeptical self- because that self keeps itself safe...right?

But see the thing is, safe and alive are not necessarily coinciding states. Sometimes, you are safe, but dead. You forget that in that safety, you have also lost your life. You have lost what makes you alive. So you are safe, cushioned and distant from the outside world. You barely ever step out from within the cave, and you think that everything is alright because.....you have equipped yourself with everything needed to survive.

But is it enough? Just to survive? Will you feel like you have gained what you were supposed to from this life, on your death bed, knowing that you have "survived"? Will you be capable of moving on further in your journey to its inescapable conclusion? Or have you just stagnated yourself in the same place? Destined to live and die over and over in the never ending cycle, because you were so adamant and hell bent on being "safe"?

The point is, we all need magic. Although, what I mean to be magic may very well not be the general definition. Some people think magic is the sparks and flares.. The excitement, the exhilaration. The problem is, that kind of magic is all smoke and mirrors; slights of hand; fleeting; an illusion. Real magic, I used to think, was the more visceral; deep; subtle, yet bewitching; seemingly subconscious, but always there; resilient; solid.

What I realised though, is that real magic is all these things...and more. It is not just the latter, but also the former. It is the combination of both, mixed to such a degree that the ebbs of one aspect leads to the flow of the other. Where the constant raging river of life will bend and meld it, rather than break and destroy it for the lack of resilience. Where it is this dynamic, dazzling yet infinitely solid, real and resilient.....experience. It is something that one cannot imagine until experienced. It is something that seems to defy logic, and make the conscious mind doubt; yet the subconscious mind knows otherwise. It is, in short, real magic; the kind you will never quite believe in until you experience it and realise it is real.

Something in my gut is dismissing my usual doubts. Part of me wonders whether I believe because I want to so desperately, but that part is growing more and more silent by the day. It makes me feel alive like never before, but also overwhelmed and out of control. But maybe those two things are one and the same. Maybe to really be alive, you have to let go. Maybe, you have to just let yourself get carried away, rather than continue to exert the constant control you have on almost (if not every) aspect of your life.

Either way, the past two years has seen me do a complete 180. My life has gone from difficult, drab and dreary with the constant anxiety of more negativity, to....peace. I don't know how long it will last, but for once. I do not care. I feel alive like never before, and this time..... I am going to go and live it, lest I not get another chance to.

So here's to real magic, and the hope that you find yours; in whatever form it might be....

The true beauty of Art (in my humble opinion)..

Every so often, I come across an artist whose work *really* captivates me. I am glad to say that I can even call a few of them my friends, to varying degrees of closeness. I can appreciate art in all forms, and my standards aren't so high that I am elitist about my appreciation, but I am referring to those few who really stand out. Upon stumbling across one such artist, I started to wonder what exactly it was that separated the great from the extraordinary, personally. The answer I guess is quite simple, and quite personal- its how much you can relate; how much it "speaks" to you, if you will..

That, however, is not what this post is about. That was the background, the start of the train of thought which led to illumination. This realisation of what sets art apart from other forms of creative expression, in my opinion, is what makes art really beautiful.

I think, its the ability to bare your soul, in the most visceral form; in a way that only those who could relate and are likely to understand, will. The uniqueness is that, art is like code. It is plain as day if you have the key, but completely illegible without. Without the key, at best you can appreciate the pattern that the seemingly meaningless creation forms. The best part is, that this aspect is often hidden, and quite apart from the general perception of "beauty". The beauty of  the message is quite distinct from its visual appeal. There are even times that seemingly the most hideous visual specimens are the deepest, most meaningful pieces of art you might ever witness, if only you have the eyes to see it.

And to me, this is the true beauty of art; this dichotomy, and the almost intimate connection that is just begging to be made, out in the open, yet somehow...invisible, other than to those who would understand. That, in my opinion, is true "beauty"...

Aimless...

Possibly one of the worst parts about dealing with depression is, that when you hit that low, you just feel so.....aimless. It becomes this terrible struggle to find meaning and purpose. Just something to hold on to, some little thread to pull you along. Because its exhausting when you try to do it all by yourself. Even though you know that that is actually all you can really rely on, in the end.

Thankfully, there are so many things that allow one to distract oneself from the fact, but there are times when nothing works. Or maybe, there are times when the right distractions are hard to come by.

Solitude is possibly not the healthiest state for someone like me, but there is cold comfort in the lack of expectation that the person you are talking to actually does, and will continue to hear and understand you. Its easier to trick yourself into believing that you are amazing in your uniqueness, so much so that no one truly understands you. One of the many lies we tell ourselves to cope, to get through the day. Its at times like these though, that you wonder what its all for. Why must we cope? Why must we go on? What is the meaning of all this?

Some people have their gods. Others, their dreams. Yet others, those human connections that somehow, regardless of how twisted and flawed them may be, make things worthwhile. But what of those who have none of that? What of them? What do they do? Questions. Unanswerable, yet there all the same.

You talk to God? Well, I talk to the universe....

I do. I really do. I in actual fact look up and complain to the universe about the seemingly absurd bad luck I am often faced with. There are times when I look up and say "Really? You're doing this to me? NOW?". So I can completely understand the need to put a face, and a name, and create some form of image to this external force which maintains the balance in the system we are all a part of. So arguably, I am speaking to what some of you refer to as "God". It seems like the same thing, and in a certain sense it is. I am also venting my frustrations and looking for solace outside the realm of reality I perceive.

There is a difference though. I know that the system will not listen. I am completely aware that the things that are happening have a complex relationship to phenomena which I may or may not see, and am possibly unable to grasp at this moment. I am aware that this is not based entirely on my actions, that the current situation is what it needs to be to maintain the balance and equilibrium of the system and is not open to suggestion. I feel that keeps me firmly planted in reality, and it also does not allow me to blindly (and futilely) rely on this non-existent possibility of direct influence. However, it does remind me why so many need their "God" or "Gods". I can appreciate that it is neither as important, nor as practical as it is for me, to constantly be aware of my mammoth perception. I also in no way judge such persons, except when they attempt to assimilate in me what is actually THEIR need for such a belief.

So to conclude, I am in no way saying that I have an ethical, moral or logical issue with those of you who talk to God. In fact I can relate for reasons stated above. I do however take issue the moment you start to not accord me the same curtsy. I will also admit to an automatic reaction of cringing every time God is referred to in what I can only refer to as a personified form. I will however keep this to myself, because I realise that this is my own opinion. And yes, that was a very pointed hint.

Finally, you have your beliefs, and I can respect that. I do however humbly ask that you accord me the same curtsy.

The "love haze"... Yay or nay?

So as a little background/explanation, this is a term which was used by Stana Katic (as Kate Beckett in Castle) in explaining that phase in which someone who is in love with another initially is completely devoid of logical sense. Its referred to by many names (my favourite being "rose coloured glasses") but if you have been in love at any point, you know what I'm talking about. Its that bubble we get into where we just don't see things clearly- at all! I know I've been there. I have made....questionable....choices, completely missed and sometimes even blatantly ignored details that actually were of very high importance, personally. It probably has something to do with chemistry, and the chemicals which are released when we are in love (which, incidentally, if distilled would possibly form a very potent weapon for debilitating an enemy's thinking capacity! *wink* ) but the fact is- we are just idiots when it comes to that person initially. Though I say "initially", it can last QUITE a long time.....possibly, even years!

Through experience though, if you are aware of this, you can actually curtail the effects of this phase. So here's my question; how necessary is this phase for a successful relationship? Now I know that the first thought that will cross your mind is that it is DEFINITELY not necessary. But hear me out. Given how everyone is looking for what they want, and what works for them, and given how in order for a relationship to work (unless you are really lucky), there needs to be compromise, what is it that actually drives us to take the plunge if not the haze? So, my argument is that maybe the love haze is necessary to make us actually consider a relationship and not just give up the second that things aren't quite what you expected/wanted. Because if there wasn't something scarring our logic, how would most of us ever compromise?

Of course, there is a downside. The haze (as I shall refer to it) is possibly the reason most people have a completely warped image and expectation of their partners. It possibly is a leading factor for most divorces, overly short relationships....etc.

At the same time though, I feel that it is still necessary. I don't think a relationship is based on logic or rationality. I don't think you should approach it with calm, collected thoughts and analysis. I'm not saying you should just jump in the proverbial well, but at the same time some you might need to try to climb up those steps with your eyes closed. It needs to be a decent mix of logic and just blind chemical attraction. If not, its guaranteed to end, prematurely, and likely not in a pleasant way. What are YOUR thoughts on the matter? Would love to hear them!

Thoughts on selflessness...

Before I begin, I'm sure anyone who reads this is thinking that this is a myth. That humans cannot be selfless. You know what though? I disagree. We can, and some of us have a predisposition to be. I will however say, such people are rare....as is becoming increasingly obvious.

To clarify, I don't think this is necessarily something that is desirable in and of itself. In fact, its something that if left unchecked, takes a huge toll on a person. I know this through experience. I have taught myself to evaluate people, and first asses whether someone is worth caring about, given the price it generally entails. So this has made me into someone who will do anything for the few people I care about, often without considering the cost to myself. In the other extreme, I have learned not to do things for anyone else if it will negatively impact  my life, which can sometimes come off as me being cold and detached. It is, however, the only balance I can maintain. Also, to be honest, I couldn't care less what random people think of me.

This is not something I have considered solely from my perspective either. If I consider everyone I know well, I can honestly say I know two people who are truly selfless. One is my mother, and the other I'd rather not mention. What I have seen though, is how they both suffer/ suffered because of their selflessness. Its sad, but when you are surrounded by people who most often ONLY consider things from their perspective, the likelihood of being taken advantage of, and being taken for granted is absurdly high. People also have a very deplorable quality of forgetting a million positive things, rather choosing to define another person by their worst moments. I don't think I need to elaborate further, as the implications should be fairly clear.

Most of the above was a result of one of those lonely moments, plus a family function and a.....memory. Which got me to wondering; does that mean that, the only people that a selfless person can depend on is another selfless person? Think about it....if a person has a predisposition to put people they care about before themselves, logically the best match would be someone who would do the same. That way, the relationship would be one where both people would put the other above, or at least on par, with themselves. Which, is a very scary thought given how few and far between such people are. Doesn't bode well for my "future prospects".

The irony is that, this is probably reading like a very self-righteous and egotistical rant although it is possibly the opposite. Contrary to popular belief, selflessness is NOT a good thing, particularly when it is the inherent reaction. Like all other things, it must be done in moderation and it is difficult when you are built to question any selfish act.

Also, its hard to fight the feeling of alienation. Its difficult to feel part of anything when, what could be called a basic human instinct (i.e. Selfishness) is lacking. I try to ignore it, and I try to pretend otherwise, but deep down that feeling of not belonging is infinitely hard to shake, given how deep seated it has become. Whenever I am not distracting myself, I wonder what I'm doing here. Because everyone around me is strange, and they seem to be a part of something I am not. Sure I understand, and sure I am good at pretending. Sometimes though, I cannot help but face the fact.

Ok, done with the vent for today. So till next time......

Relatability

So, I've been thinking (shocker), and I have come to yet another "realisation" (surprise!). *smirk* Seems like its time that I abbreviated that sentence into an acronym, so that I don't have to type it out as often as I do.

Anyway, getting back on point. Had a chat with a close friend over social integration, group dynamics and general alienation. Then, that evening I watched the latest X-men movie (which, by the way, I felt was pretty good. Satisfying, even with the liberal interpretation of the comics). These things, coupled with most of my romantic entanglements, and evaluating my friendships made me think about how and why I am where I am. Not that I am complaining, because honestly I am not. It is what it is, and what it is would be negative only when you choose to see it that way. So I choose not to, rather seeing it as just a fact. To clarify, I'm referring to the alienation.

To give a somewhat brief explanation, I have always felt (and still do feel) like a completely solitary, detached person. Most often I see life, including my own experiences, in the third person. In fact, so much so that I wonder why everyone around me sees so little. Maybe its paranoia, maybe its a delusion, but...that's how I feel. Now this is not to say that I am perfect, and that I am incapable of being human. Because I am, as I am reminded in the most inconvenient ways sometimes! The fact remains though, that I feel that way a fraction of the time that most people do. 

So moving on to the realisation. I am different, to everyone, because as explained earlier I am what you may refer to as an oxymoron- full of contrasting characteristics. This means that I have certain attributes which contrasts drastically from each other. At best, there are a rare few who MAY relate to me in those particular ways (bear with me, that wasn't it!).

Now the thing about humans is, that each individual wants to be unique. Everyone wants to FEEL like they are different. Its not enough that they are, by definition and in reality. They want it to be tangible. They want to feel special, and like they are not really part of the crowd. This has the effect of individuals latching on to any seeming deviation from the norm that they see in their characteristics, and developing that trait. They go so far as to build a self image based on this, and adopt attributes which align with this image. Then you add the fact that everyone wants a partner who they can relate to, so they prize someone who is unique in the same way. This is all well and good, if they meet someone who has adopted the characteristic like they did. Unfortunately, that is not me.

I am the person who has those characteristics by default, organically. When they meet me, they initially think "Oh! Someone who understands me, because he feels just like I do!". So its all well and good initially, because there is distinct overlap at the outset. This eventually changes though. Eventually, the difference between the organic and mechanically-adopted characteristic come to light. They realise that they didn't REALLY feel that way, because they cant relate to how the organic version of that characteristic manifests. So they re-evaluate themselves, and realise that they actually can't relate.

So here lies the problem. I live in a world where people subconsciously adopt characteristics which are not their own. This is because of some misguided need to feel different in a tangible way. This is not me venting, nor me being upset about it, because I understand. I do, however, sometimes wish it wasn't the case. I sometimes wish that people were more aware of themselves, and had a more accurate self image. I say this especially for selfish reasons, because I would have options in meeting "someone" (I think you know what I mean). I also wish that people would go about life in a more matter of fact way, without aspiring to be something or someone they feel they OUGHT or would LIKE to be, focusing instead on who they actually are. It seems so pointless. Granted I used to wish that I was not so unique, and granted I probably have moments when I still do. Still, I realise what IS, and have worked at accepting that, and to a great extent I have been successful at it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish there were more people who were closer to that, where I am; having a more accurate image of themselves than they do.

I have, however, accepted and come to terms with this as well. This does not frustrate and upset me like it used to, which I am infinitely glad about. I have decided to embrace my solitude, and enjoy the detached perspective it offers. Makes my life a lot less complicated, and allows me to focus on living in the moment (yet another agreeable concept which is propounded by Buddhist philosophy). So that is my realisation, and how I choose to deal with it. I hope you enjoyed the read! So till next time.....