A note on self.....

So, here I am again. As usual, felt the need to jot down my somewhat more useful thoughts/ realisation on myself. Hopefully, it will better help me deal with my future relationships, especially those that get particularly intimate. Only time will tell I guess.

So I have come to realise that, in being so externally focused, that is to say by being someone who is constantly thinking about everyone and everything around him, my defining and possibly only constant characteristic is dynamism. By dynamism, I am not referring to the romanticised notion of the word the corporate hierachy subscribes to, but the actual meaning of the word. I literally adapt to everything any everyone around me, for as long as I can. Anything I feel I can't, I swiftly move away from. I don't try to change it, although sometimes moving away precipitates a change in dynamic. But I am definitely someone who adapts to what is, rather than try to create/ expect what I want something to be. Just to be clear at this stage, I am merely making an objective analysis of how I am, rather than singing my praises (because quite frankly it is just a fact, neither negative nor positive as a whole). I think this, to a large degree, is the reason I am so misunderstood most of the time; and most likely why a select few people who have thought they understood me, who I thought understood me, turned out not to have. Because, everyone looks at how you are in the circumstances they perceive you in, and eventually categorises you in a particular way; not realising that what they saw is just one facet of who you are. And soon, they cannot see beyond that, and the moment I adapt to any change in circumstances, they no longer know anything about me or what to expect, although they do EXPECT to know. Which, needless to say frustrates me no end. 

I do not know how to explain this to anyone. Indeed I don't know that it is something that CAN be comprehended by others, let alone be explained. I fell though, that finally I've come to accept that. I feel like I am slowly getting used to the idea of never quite being understood. It is starting to be ok. Which gives me a sense of....peace. Its a nice change from the constant frustration and confusion over wanting to be understood more than anything else, but constantly doomed not to be.

And in case this hasn't been clear before, I am who I. I have been, am, and always will be a "take it or leave it" deal. And it IS a one off deal. The moment I feel discarded, I move on. It annoys me no end when someone discards me, then later realises they aren't ok with me dropping out of their lives, and try to hold on to something that is lost. I cannot stand denial, especially when I have to deal with it.It irks me. The worst part is you can't really solve the issue without being direct, and when I'm direct about something that irks me it is rarely....pleasant. I wish people would take more time to take stock of how things are, understand it and not act in their blissful ignorance. Sometimes, it even goes so far as being dense, which irks me more because it is so inconsiderate. Meh. If I let this get to me, I will be terribly irked too often.

Why am I so complicated? Damned if I know. Do I care anymore? No, not really. In a sense though, it SHOULD be easier to understand me- unless you want me to be predictable. Which, when it really matters, I almost never am. But what I've realised is, everyone wants predictability. Everyone wants definitions, and expectations, and stability. The idea of something or, god forbid SOMEONE who is too dynamic and adaptive to be predictable and static would be so unnerving, it is beyond the grasp of everyone I have so far met. This can even be seen in the general drive of the general populace towards organized religion/ philosophy (both of which I am increasingly becoming disillusioned with). 

In conclusion, that is pretty much the gist of what I wanted to say (maybe slightly more detailed than absolutely necessary, but...I am not going to apologize for that! *tongue out*). So, till next time.....

On letting go.....

So, thought I ought to pen (well, lets go with the term "pen" shall we? ) some thoughts on the concept of letting go... I know it seems to be a very simple concept on the surface, but there is a whole lot more to it. So lets see where this leads....

The concept of "letting go" is quite central to the Buddhist philosophy. However, I've come to realise that perhaps it is not as simple as it seems on the surface. Why do I say this? Well, let me try to explain.

So letting go seems simple enough, right? It basically means rather than holding on, you let go. Like you would a a piece of rope, or any other physical possession. Or, it could extend to something metaphysical, like a thought; or an emotion. It could be a combination of both, such as a connection formed with another human. Those are perhaps the hardest to let go of, probably because as explained it is both a physical as well as metaphysical; physical in how that person affects your day to day existence in a practical sense, and metaphysical because of the various emotions which said person invoked which, obviously, was very desirable. So what's the fuss? Well, for starters, letting go is not merely the ACT of letting go, but also (and perhaps more importantly) the mental state where the thing in question is no longer an attchment. THIS, is much deeper and decidedly more difficult than the act of letting go. If you've ever been in love, and can remember what it was like immediately post break up, you'll know how it felt impossible to let go at the time. Perhaps it took longer than "immediately after" to be able to even consider letting go. Either way, it is accepting that what was can no longer be, which is the hardest part.

Now, to explain this next part I must diverge a bit from the main topic. If you consider the use of any skill, there are two elements to it; first, you must fully master the skill and only THEN can you use it productively and advance further in your ability. It is the same with letting go. When I first grasped the concept in an organic sense, I came to value it as one of the most potent means of dealing with life in general- it was what kept me sane. I must say, to a great extent, I feel I have truly mastered this skill; and I will attest to its effectiveness, and how it really gives one strength to deal with almost anything. However, like with everything else, it must be carefully used.

In time, as more and more traumatic events started to build up, I kept letting everything go. This worked, at first. But after sometime, I started to realise that I was losing the ability to hold on to ANYTHING. Which obviously led to a severe case of existential nihilism and depression. Losing the ability to hold on, to automatically have a knee-jerk reaction of letting go at the first sign of any pain, that is....unhealthy, to put it mildly.

So where is the medium? How does one effectively implement the art of letting go? Well, what I have found is that while the ability to let go is a tool of empowerment, it must be something well within one's control. This in turn led to another observation, regarding my past. I have come to realise that when you let go, forgive and understand every single time, or at least too often, that is the most surefire way of being taken for granted. While theoretically one must not care about such fickle things such as appreciation and respect, in reality it IS indeed necessary for one to carry on. Which is how I have come to realise that sometimes, you must NOT let go. You must hold on, even if it means that you make a nuisance of yourself, even if it would be easier to just let go, because sometimes its important to make a statement; to stand up and be demanded to be taken note of. So you must not ALWAYS let go. You must be able to understand it, and not let it control you. Dealing with my family I now realise that I have "let go" of too many things, and that it is too late to fix them. I have, however, realised the value in trying none-the-less. As such, even at this late stage, I hope to be more in control of my ability to let go. I hope I will not go down that dark road again, that road where I almost lost myself; not because I was holding on to fruitless things, rather because I was unable to hold on to anything. I lost myself to the extent that I am still finding my footing, and adjusting. So, I am finally learning to say no, to stand my ground, and fight for the things that I find are unreasonable or wrong.

So, through the smattering of personal experience, I hope I have elaborated my point on the complexity of the concept of letting go. So, as always, till next time.....

Learning the art of selfishness.....

SO! Finally, after ages, a post in a positive vein. I'm sure you're scratching your head right now, given the title, but bear with me and all shall be revealed! (Well, not all...but some! ;) ).

So after a slump that lasted for FAR too long, which (albeit necessary) was seriously making me wonder if I'd ever rise up again, here I am. I doubted because time after time my attempts to stand were met with universal blows to the head; again, and again, and again. But FINALLY, I can honestly say I have dealt with my past to the best of my abilities, and managed to dodge the last blow I received, in a manner of speaking. When I say dealt with the past, I mean that I have come to terms, understood, and learnt the lessons it offered as at right now. This is not to say that my defense mechanisms have changed, nor that I expect my past to STAY in the past, because lets face it; to expect such would be beyond naive.

So on to the realisation that has, in a sense, liberated me. I realised, that I was no longer in control of my own life. This to a large part had to do with what I constantly complained about, which was the lack of self. This in turn led to a level of selflessness which was so detrimental to me that I had come to accept that I could not expect to find any happiness. And I had accepted that I was unable to find any "want". This is partially true, but I have also realised that "want" need not be a specific definable thing. Sometimes, when you can't quite get yourself to want something specific, you must resort to other things, things less defined. Things which you know that, although it is hard to articulate, you do in fact want. It is in this way that I came to the realisation that what I wanted, was to be in control of my own life; and just to be myself, the guy I know I am, and just to be ok. For a change, after a space of time which extended FAR beyond what it ought.

It is only when I started doing this that I started to realise not only how little the new people in my life had gotten to know me, and also how even my close friends had all but forgotten that part of me which was probably one of the things that drew them to me in the first place- my unflappable spirit, whatever the circumstances. Well, when I say "Unflappable", obviously I mean my ability to make the best out of any situation, and motivate everyone around me whatever their circumstances. I had gotten so used to disassociating that with my own feelings that I'd come to a point where my motivation had become hollow and hypocritical, and didn't even notice that the separation had broken down. I'd become SO unhappy, that everyone around me had forgotten that I COULD be happy, let alone what I was like when I was happy. This was obvious when my friends started asking me what I was on when I started cracking jokes again, and generally started being positive. Which is when it finally hit me just how low I'd sunk.

Thing is, I needed that. Life had gotten too much to handle, I'd stayed strong FAR beyond the point at which I should have broken down, and I needed to deal with it. I didn't ball my eyes out, but the tears finally came. It was still somewhat muted, but maybe that's all that I need. Because I was ready to cry if I needed it. Either way, it was the beginning of the final, successful rise to my feet. And I can say, after a long time, that I feel good. And I am not letting anyone or anything take that away from me, not for a while. Come what may, I will do what is best for me, and no longer put everyone and everything before myself. I think its time that I started, and the fact that I feel I finally can is............liberating.

So I guess I am learning to be selfish, in a sense. I know selfishness is given a distinctly negative connotation, but as with everything, it should be seen to be what it is; nothing more, nothing less. And what it is, is necessary. In moderation, true, but necessary all the same. So I have decided. I've been on my belly long enough. I've been in my black hole so long I'd forgotten what it was like to know light, let alone see it. So its good to be finally rising out of that cave. After about four years, I think its time. And I can finally say, I am in control. So here's hoping that there are more of these posts to come! ;) Till next time......

The price of Apathy.........

I sometimes worry that my mind is losing its edge due to severe apathy. I find myself increasingly struggling to find focus, and also I notice that I miss things which I never used to before. I guess its a struggle to maintain the dichotomy between approaches to one's personal and professional lives. Its not as easy as flipping a switch, at least not initially. Looks like I need to find a way to create that dichotomy, for if not my professional life, which has so far been the inadvertent focus of my existence more or less, will suffer.

It really never ends. You'd think the less you want the easier things would become. You'd expect being someone who expects little, if nothing else would at least be able to go about his life in peace. Apparently not. Apparently, even the apathy comes at a price. The question is whether that price is negotiable, and if not...am I willing to pay it? And if I'm not......where does that leave me?

Everything........and nothing

So here I am again. Typing into a blank space on a screen, speaking my mind to the only thing that won't attempt to understand what exactly I am saying and thereby avoiding the slight twinge of frustration at not being understood despite the efforts made to the contrary (I say twinge because that's as much as I can seem to care these days). I seem to have developed a severe apathy to life and all things around me, which makes things.....difficult....to put it lightly.

See the thing with apathy is that it leaves a void so crushing that one must struggle to go about the mundane daily rituals of ordinary existence. It divorces you from any minor sense of connection you might have felt before, instead leaving you with the tiresome sense of....being where you least want to be; stuck in an existence that you are forced to continue with because unfortunately there are certain inherent characteristics within yourself which does not allow you to end it. Therefore you just....carry on. And I do not believe I need to explain the issues of such a set of circumstances. Or maybe I do, but then again, in that case it will be beyond comprehension anyway ergo a futile exercise.

Analysis of this apathetic mind-set is what brings me to the title of this post. See, generally, there are various reasons for apathy (which a quick internet search will reveal to any who are interested). However, like most other things, little if none of it applies to me. As usual, there is nothing...normal...that can be pointed to. Sure, there are things which get to me; and probably chief among them would be, being taken for granted at every turn. I understand that it is partially my fault for allowing it to happen, but at the same time there is a point at which everyone needs to start realising that they are being unfair. Just because I can handle a lot, doesn't mean you should just keep piling things on me. That's the equivalent of destroying your best knife while the worst ones rust due to lack of use. The more logical thing to do, albeit requiring slightly more effort, would be to use each knife for the tasks it CAN handle, rather than burdening the toughest with EVERYTHING. Which, essentially, is what I have come to feel most often. But there are ways and means to fix that if it comes to a head (because no, it hasn't...yet), the question being when. But that is still not THE reason for the apathy. That answer is too complex for me to bother to articulate, as it (as explained earlier) would be yet another fruitless endeavor. But I will get to the point which I was trying to make, which is what I seem to have become (or maybe always was...one never knows).

I am everything....and yet I am nothing. I know that sounded like some zen philosophical statement, although that was far from the intention. I am merely stating what I feel like. I say I am everything, because I feel that I am actually able to be and be whatever I want to be. I do not take pride in that fact, because that is all that it is- a fact. To be treated neither negatively nor positively. Which in a sense, makes me everything. But this leads to a certain paradox, which is that it becomes impossible to give me any sort of label. To give one example (albeit an oversimplification that insults the depth of the premise which I am trying to explain) in school I was too sporty to be a nerd, and too book-oriented to be a jock. Which meant that I was neither. Meaning that I had no place. Which essentially, on a very basic level, sums up my existence. Nether here nor there. Showing characteristics of both, but never truly belonging to either. Its ironic in a sense, if you think about it. People fight, tooth an nail, sometimes sacrificing their lives, to escape from a label. If you don't see the joke in that, then I will clearly be left laughing to myself. *chuckle*

Well, I could go on, but I think I have laid down the substantive core of my premise. Its one of those "You either get it or you don't" kinda deals, so I shall leave it at that. So till next time...

Bone weary...

Be forewarned, today is yet another vent... Yet another “last resort" ramble, which is all I have at this moment in time..

I feel so tired.. The grind, it seems so....endless. That, however, is not even the main reason for the exhaustion. I feel exhausted, because I have to fight for everything. Every day is a battle. Every step is hard. There are days, like this, where I wish for nothing more than an end to all this. When you have to fight for every minute detail, every seemingly insignificant little thing, including so many basic things that every one around you takes for granted, you keep asking yourself why- and what for. And to me, increasingly, the answer seems to be a big nought. A zilch. A zero.

I generally manage things well with my detachment. It helps me cope with so many things. I always try my best, to do the right thing, especially by everyone. And to possibly the greatest extent possible, I have managed. But, contrary to what we are brought up to believe, it doesn't change anything. And however hard you try, life will always throw something at you which will make living difficult and complicated. You can never come to a point of balance and stay there for long, because there will always be something.

Like people who suddenly decide to pretend things are different from what they are, despite their actions to the contrary, just because they have found some semblance of balance. Or people who continue to hold on to things they know are gone, and which deep down they know are less than what they deserve, and choose to ignore the better thing that is staring them in the face. Or people who think they know you, and who think that you are simple, and who think they are opening up to you, not realising that they have that feeling because of quite the opposite.

And, there will always be the people who need me. At a point, that used to give me purpose. But I am beginning to resent these seemingly desirable traits I possess. I am beginning to resent my inability to be selfish; my inability to walk on the wrong side of the line to get what I might dare to want; my inability, most of all, to WANT, because it has become so ingrained in me through experience that nothing I want will I ever get. So instead, I find myself stuck in this void, this meaningless existence, unable to find reason, yet knowing that I will not let go. That, like a cockroach, I will survive. To continue to be misunderstood, and never seen for what I am. Always alone, alienated, never really part of this...life.

How I wish I could be ignorant. Unable to comprehend, unable to see, like so many around me. But as they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...".

Crawling...

Back to you, my old (and possibly only) friend. As...ungrateful as that may sound, it increasingly feels like the truth. I find myself drifting, but unmoving..

So...New year...another one..joy! -_- The title pretty much sums it up, I guess.. That's what life has come to feel like.. Just existence, just because. Makes everything a chore. And makes one so...tired. But sadly there is that knowledge that you will go on for as long as you have to.

Also, as fucked up a realisation as it is to come to just days before a new calendar year, I've come to realize that I am increasingly finding it impossible to pick myself up and join in the festivities, no matter who I'm with. And I realise how little..rather, almost no...“hope"...I have. It's come to that point that anyone telling me about having hope for me annoys me to the hilt. Sigh.

It really sucks, being hardwired to be unhappy so long as you're alone, yet being so much a freak that you are, indeed, alone. How ever many people care....And are around you...And want to be there for you..because sadly, the feeling rarely, if ever, goes away. And it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the mask on. And console the people who care, and assure them you are ok. And socialize...especially with people who are demanding.

I could go on, but what's the point? Even ramblings have their limits. So till next time...