That's the way the cookie crumbles...

So it happens again... Life fucks me over, I try hard and pick myself up, with a little help from the few people who really have been there.. And I think ok, let's just stick with them.. No more unnecessary complications, just stick with your friends.. THEN comes fuck-up number 2, which was beyond my control, and where I really thought I'd lost more than I stood to gain by the end of it.. But somehow, the friends remained.. So here I was, going on, thinking “ok, I can do this.. I can be satisfied and happy without any further complications".. And after ages, I have 3 days of fun, and I'm happy.. For a change..

But then, as is always the case, my failings come to bite me in the ass.. And it seems that if you ever do anything which even remotely concerns yourself, you've done something wrong.. And again, it looks like I'm looking at losing the few stable things I had in my life-again. And here I was just feeling like I could get on with everything, without feeling like I don't want to wake up in the morning. But I should have known better. I should know that I shouldn't expect any sense of permanence.. And learn to not get attached, however safe it seems.. Because I will always and forever be the replaceable, and those people who are self-centered enough will always feel it's ok to blame everything on me and try to fix their own lives. I just didn't know how far their interference could reach. But, again, that's my fault. I should have known.

So again I find myself talking to the one thing/place/whatever you want to call it which I can depend on. And even while doing so, I'm worrying how it'll be perceived if seen.. It seems like whatever I do, doesn't really matter... It'll never be enough.. And that, is how the cookie crumbles..

PS: I'm sorry, but I think it's completely unfair how she gets to crush my heart, leave me to pick up the pieces.. And then can decide to come back and try to finish the job after my valiant effort to put it back together in a way that is least intrusive to everyone, by recklessly jeopardizing my relationships with my friends, just because she's not getting exactly what she wants from her life.. But then, when was life fair?

Oh fiction, how thee torments me sometimes...

It's ironic how, sometimes your iPod tends to sense your mood and play music that you'd want to hear..you might say it's creepy even. But what REALLY tries to kick you in the gut sometimes, is the fiction... You know, the television series, the movies...sometimes even the books?

Well, I just had one such experience. I'm not going to go into the specifics, because...this relates to one thing I don't really talk about. But I will say this; it was an episode of “The mentalist" that set me off (and actually, it's been this season). And, I was watching it and thinking to myself, “Damn, he's a lucky bastard...at least HE got to kiss her..And not have to watch the whole thing!". It's creepy how fiction sometimes almost portrays your life, at a time which is significant. And really tests the boundaries of the iron grip of control you exert in yourself.

And, that is all I am willing to say on the matter. As much as I'm sure you hate me for it, while humbly apologizing, I'd like to point out that this is my blog and ergo I believe that gives me the right to sometimes be a little unreasonable and perhaps a tad unfair. That is all for now. Hopefully the next post will make sense! Till then good reader.....

How much longer?

Honestly, that's fast becoming the burning question in my mind. I keep wondering how much longer I can go on like this; just...floating...through life. I don't really crave anything anymore. Hell, I've even lost my appetite! I guess the significance of that is lost to those of you who don't know me (and if you're seriously reading this and it's not the first one you're reading, I must say I'm surprised you are, to say the least). Let me warn you though, this is just me venting..simply.

Anyway, like I was saying, I barely eat anymore (let alone crave food like I used to). I can't really find motivation within myself to do anything much anymore. Apart from being pragmatic about life, which is all I seem capable of anymore, life just...goes on. I often wonder how much longer I can do this. It's increasingly difficult. Lack of motivation is a terrible thing. Sometimes, I almost feel like I have it; like I could want something. But, it never seems to last anymore.

I find myself living in fantasies I create for myself in my head..well, perhaps “fantasies" isn't the right word. More like possibilities, in the sense that I play out various situations which may stem from a current circumstances. Highly unlikely as they are, I guess at least...they keep my mind occupied. I guess one must be thankful for small mercies.

Anyway, I guess I better get back to the drudgery (hopefully for the last time) which I am procrastinating, although I am well past the reasonable time limit to do so. I'm just glad this might be the final set, because I think I've come to the end of my tether with exams. They only serve to compound the difficulty of the already difficult existence I lead. Oh well, as they say “Life's not fair- deal with it!"

Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really

have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.

Rebirth of Atlas Telamon

So I've come to yet another realization.. If I were to consider my universe as myself and those who I care about, the division is between myself and them: in the sense that between the two divisions, happiness is inversely proportional. That is how it is...

Let me explain further.. Basically, everyone can only ever be in a good place, if I'm not.. I've seen this time and time again.. As soon as I, undoubtedly with the help of those few, pick myself up and start moving forward, everyone else starts going through Hell. It's as if the universe lays in wait, waiting till I am able to support everyone. And here's the thing..I'd MUCH rather be unhappy myself, than see everyone I care about be unhappy.. That is how I'm made.. But alas, even that I have no control over..

Am I resentful of those I care about? No. Am I resentful resentful of this sadistic dichotomy and the cold hard knowledge that, I'm forced to pick myself up only because everyone else is about to fall? Yes: And tired...so very, very tired..

So, in the words of Robert Frost, “But I have promises to keep.. And miles to go before I sleep.. And miles to go before I sleep"...

The "Honey-trap"

No, it's not what you think... I guess this post is somewhat overdue, but necessary.. So timing aside, felt the need to vent. So here goes...

When I said “It's not what you think", I didn't necessarily mean it in the obvious sense.. What I actually meant was, it's not about a honey-trap I got caught to... And quite frankly, I wish it was.. Sadly though, it is me who feels a bit like the honey-trap..

Before I continue, let me explain why a "honey-trap" over, say, a pitcher plant! ;) See, the thing with a honey-trap is that the honey isn't really bad: not inherently. And, the difference here is that it's the thing which is sought, namely the honey, which is the very reason for the entrapment. So it's not that the honey is a decoy, but it is the want of honey which snares those that seek it. And when one is "stuck", the fact that the honey is what you want/need is forgotten, because the survival instinct kicks in. Or conversely, one realises one cannot but get stuck, and therefore must stay away. Ergo the use of a honey-trap as the metaphor of choice.

Moving on, I have come to realize that I am, well in keeping with my nature, an anomaly in that I get along with those of the opposite sex much better than I do with my own, most often.  And obviously, this has led to innumerable complications (as you may imagine) for the simple reason that, all else aside, it does not fall within the narrow minded pop construct of “normal". I don't really fancy going into details, but it's safe to say that I have been “judged" and unfairly condemned (among other things) simply because there could be NO WAY that I was merely being friendly, and had no ulterior motive. After all, we (the people) know all, and therefore I cannot be truly “different". *rolls eyes*

However, that is not the main focus of this post. The reason I thought to write is because I find it terribly sad that I have absolutely no control over the definition of my relationship with many such friends. I sincerely wish I could just turn whatever it is that I do on and off according to the situation, because I very rarely want to be more than friends. And what is the worst part of it all? It is that sometimes (admittedly rarely) I lose friends that I value (which in itself is a rarity), because...I am the "honey-trap". This, is one of the saddest things, when you lose a good friend, one of the rare few, because boundaries were unknowingly crossed, and can never be re-established.

I must say though, I am not ungrateful of the positives of being this way. It has led to wonderful relationships (in the standard sense of the term, in this context) and I have been lucky to have met a few with whom those lines/boundaries have never been questioned. Yet for all, it does not lessen the sadness of losing a friend..especially the rare ones.

Hiding in plain sight....

Possibly the most glaring realisation that I have come to as of late, is how little *everyone* around me seems to *really* know me. I don't profess to be the most sociable person, but I feel I am perhaps one of the most honest and straightforward. Despite that, and I don't mean this the way that most pseudo-"misunderstood" people out there mean it, no one knows me..at all. Its amazing how more often than not, people choose to ignore direct words you use to answer their questions, preferring instead their ill-begotten yet evidently more "accurate" conclusions which they have drawn based on the assumption that I am just like everyone else. I guess you can deal with that, as long as the people you still love understand you enough to not make you feel alone...and by alone, I mean truly alone. Not alone technically, but alone none the less; because if no one can see you for who you really are, that's exactly what you're left being.- alone. But then comes the day, that life suddenly decides to "gift" you with this rude awakening; when suddenly the answer to the question "Does ANYONE know me?" is a loud resounding "No". 

See, its not for the lack of effort on my part. I have, thus far, been open and honest with everyone, to a fault even. But it seems like everyone chooses to hear and understand what they want to. I don't blame them, but it tires you out with time. Especially when you can so easily see how little they really get you. As I grow older, rather than being understood better, the opposite is true. And then one day you realise that if you are concerned about what they are going through, almost nobody even realises that you haven't opened up to them, and that maybe something is terribly wrong with you too. Its like you're living life covered by this invisible, semi permeable membrane which allows everyone else to let you in, but doesn't allow anyone else in: basically, one way traffic. The worst part is, you've to keep all this to yourself, because no one will understand.

I realise that I've started to talk to myself sometimes, out loud, when I'm at home. The reason for this is possibly because of some subconscious mechanism to reassure myself that I still have a voice. Most probably not too healthy, but....meh.  I think its time to finally let it all go. To not hold on to this desperate hope, which I've been in denial about even harbouring. And since I seem to have been doing it all these years, despite my efforts to the contrary, I might as well accept it and do it right from now on; I think its time to stop letting people see even hints of what lies beneath,  and just stick to playing the part to a fault. Its time, to don the disguise fully, and *really* hide in plain sight...

"Here....we....go!"

So here we are... New year, new start, new beginning...blah blah blah. 2012 came and went, and not even a hint of the soon-to-be-forgotten "apocalypse". I had a lot to say yesterday, but as seems to be the trend as of late with me, most of it is gone. Maybe I'll come back and re-hash the attempt to record those thoughts when and if they return.

Anyway, I'm trying to not get sick of this year as soon as it starts- which, sadly, is difficult. Its not the best feeling to come into a new year hung over with the residual issues that you didn't really have time to deal with last year. In a way though, I do feel a modicum of calm setting over me, which should coalesce into determination to carry on. I guess we all need our moments to just grieve, hurt, feel down and out and utterly hopeless. Necessary evil, if you will. Then eventually, you get tired of feeling that way, at which point you find a way to delude yourself into believing everything is hunky dory, and life's good... I hope. I still feel terribly tired. The terrible monotony that life is now for me, can be terribly taxing. I guess maybe what I need is to be surprised, to see something which I wouldn't have seen coming and can't understand... maybe. If not its difficult to keep up the pretense of being interested in everything that goes on with everyone else, especially when it is all like one big theatrical performance in which though I am an actor, I am also a detached spectator. I guess I crave to be more like everyone else; able to indulge in delusions (since unfortunately they ARE delusions, and the innocence to think otherwise is lost to me), able to not always need to do the right thing. Its a sad place to be in when you begin to resent your own absurdly over-bearing sense of moral responsibility. Ah, well, what's to be done eh??

Anyway, to all of you who don't have to worry about such useless sentiments as these, and who lead "normal" life, here's sincerely wishing you all a Happy New Year! I just hope you are able to realise how lucky you are to be able to just live life, with "normal" issues and "normal" tendencies towards happiness and sadness, rather than detachment. Also, as a good friend of mine said, be glad to have survived the apocalypse and yet another year of Justin Beiber! *wink*.