Everything........and nothing

So here I am again. Typing into a blank space on a screen, speaking my mind to the only thing that won't attempt to understand what exactly I am saying and thereby avoiding the slight twinge of frustration at not being understood despite the efforts made to the contrary (I say twinge because that's as much as I can seem to care these days). I seem to have developed a severe apathy to life and all things around me, which makes things.....difficult....to put it lightly.

See the thing with apathy is that it leaves a void so crushing that one must struggle to go about the mundane daily rituals of ordinary existence. It divorces you from any minor sense of connection you might have felt before, instead leaving you with the tiresome sense of....being where you least want to be; stuck in an existence that you are forced to continue with because unfortunately there are certain inherent characteristics within yourself which does not allow you to end it. Therefore you just....carry on. And I do not believe I need to explain the issues of such a set of circumstances. Or maybe I do, but then again, in that case it will be beyond comprehension anyway ergo a futile exercise.

Analysis of this apathetic mind-set is what brings me to the title of this post. See, generally, there are various reasons for apathy (which a quick internet search will reveal to any who are interested). However, like most other things, little if none of it applies to me. As usual, there is nothing...normal...that can be pointed to. Sure, there are things which get to me; and probably chief among them would be, being taken for granted at every turn. I understand that it is partially my fault for allowing it to happen, but at the same time there is a point at which everyone needs to start realising that they are being unfair. Just because I can handle a lot, doesn't mean you should just keep piling things on me. That's the equivalent of destroying your best knife while the worst ones rust due to lack of use. The more logical thing to do, albeit requiring slightly more effort, would be to use each knife for the tasks it CAN handle, rather than burdening the toughest with EVERYTHING. Which, essentially, is what I have come to feel most often. But there are ways and means to fix that if it comes to a head (because no, it hasn't...yet), the question being when. But that is still not THE reason for the apathy. That answer is too complex for me to bother to articulate, as it (as explained earlier) would be yet another fruitless endeavor. But I will get to the point which I was trying to make, which is what I seem to have become (or maybe always was...one never knows).

I am everything....and yet I am nothing. I know that sounded like some zen philosophical statement, although that was far from the intention. I am merely stating what I feel like. I say I am everything, because I feel that I am actually able to be and be whatever I want to be. I do not take pride in that fact, because that is all that it is- a fact. To be treated neither negatively nor positively. Which in a sense, makes me everything. But this leads to a certain paradox, which is that it becomes impossible to give me any sort of label. To give one example (albeit an oversimplification that insults the depth of the premise which I am trying to explain) in school I was too sporty to be a nerd, and too book-oriented to be a jock. Which meant that I was neither. Meaning that I had no place. Which essentially, on a very basic level, sums up my existence. Nether here nor there. Showing characteristics of both, but never truly belonging to either. Its ironic in a sense, if you think about it. People fight, tooth an nail, sometimes sacrificing their lives, to escape from a label. If you don't see the joke in that, then I will clearly be left laughing to myself. *chuckle*

Well, I could go on, but I think I have laid down the substantive core of my premise. Its one of those "You either get it or you don't" kinda deals, so I shall leave it at that. So till next time...

Bone weary...

Be forewarned, today is yet another vent... Yet another “last resort" ramble, which is all I have at this moment in time..

I feel so tired.. The grind, it seems so....endless. That, however, is not even the main reason for the exhaustion. I feel exhausted, because I have to fight for everything. Every day is a battle. Every step is hard. There are days, like this, where I wish for nothing more than an end to all this. When you have to fight for every minute detail, every seemingly insignificant little thing, including so many basic things that every one around you takes for granted, you keep asking yourself why- and what for. And to me, increasingly, the answer seems to be a big nought. A zilch. A zero.

I generally manage things well with my detachment. It helps me cope with so many things. I always try my best, to do the right thing, especially by everyone. And to possibly the greatest extent possible, I have managed. But, contrary to what we are brought up to believe, it doesn't change anything. And however hard you try, life will always throw something at you which will make living difficult and complicated. You can never come to a point of balance and stay there for long, because there will always be something.

Like people who suddenly decide to pretend things are different from what they are, despite their actions to the contrary, just because they have found some semblance of balance. Or people who continue to hold on to things they know are gone, and which deep down they know are less than what they deserve, and choose to ignore the better thing that is staring them in the face. Or people who think they know you, and who think that you are simple, and who think they are opening up to you, not realising that they have that feeling because of quite the opposite.

And, there will always be the people who need me. At a point, that used to give me purpose. But I am beginning to resent these seemingly desirable traits I possess. I am beginning to resent my inability to be selfish; my inability to walk on the wrong side of the line to get what I might dare to want; my inability, most of all, to WANT, because it has become so ingrained in me through experience that nothing I want will I ever get. So instead, I find myself stuck in this void, this meaningless existence, unable to find reason, yet knowing that I will not let go. That, like a cockroach, I will survive. To continue to be misunderstood, and never seen for what I am. Always alone, alienated, never really part of this...life.

How I wish I could be ignorant. Unable to comprehend, unable to see, like so many around me. But as they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...".

Crawling...

Back to you, my old (and possibly only) friend. As...ungrateful as that may sound, it increasingly feels like the truth. I find myself drifting, but unmoving..

So...New year...another one..joy! -_- The title pretty much sums it up, I guess.. That's what life has come to feel like.. Just existence, just because. Makes everything a chore. And makes one so...tired. But sadly there is that knowledge that you will go on for as long as you have to.

Also, as fucked up a realisation as it is to come to just days before a new calendar year, I've come to realize that I am increasingly finding it impossible to pick myself up and join in the festivities, no matter who I'm with. And I realise how little..rather, almost no...“hope"...I have. It's come to that point that anyone telling me about having hope for me annoys me to the hilt. Sigh.

It really sucks, being hardwired to be unhappy so long as you're alone, yet being so much a freak that you are, indeed, alone. How ever many people care....And are around you...And want to be there for you..because sadly, the feeling rarely, if ever, goes away. And it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the mask on. And console the people who care, and assure them you are ok. And socialize...especially with people who are demanding.

I could go on, but what's the point? Even ramblings have their limits. So till next time...

That's the way the cookie crumbles...

So it happens again... Life fucks me over, I try hard and pick myself up, with a little help from the few people who really have been there.. And I think ok, let's just stick with them.. No more unnecessary complications, just stick with your friends.. THEN comes fuck-up number 2, which was beyond my control, and where I really thought I'd lost more than I stood to gain by the end of it.. But somehow, the friends remained.. So here I was, going on, thinking “ok, I can do this.. I can be satisfied and happy without any further complications".. And after ages, I have 3 days of fun, and I'm happy.. For a change..

But then, as is always the case, my failings come to bite me in the ass.. And it seems that if you ever do anything which even remotely concerns yourself, you've done something wrong.. And again, it looks like I'm looking at losing the few stable things I had in my life-again. And here I was just feeling like I could get on with everything, without feeling like I don't want to wake up in the morning. But I should have known better. I should know that I shouldn't expect any sense of permanence.. And learn to not get attached, however safe it seems.. Because I will always and forever be the replaceable, and those people who are self-centered enough will always feel it's ok to blame everything on me and try to fix their own lives. I just didn't know how far their interference could reach. But, again, that's my fault. I should have known.

So again I find myself talking to the one thing/place/whatever you want to call it which I can depend on. And even while doing so, I'm worrying how it'll be perceived if seen.. It seems like whatever I do, doesn't really matter... It'll never be enough.. And that, is how the cookie crumbles..

PS: I'm sorry, but I think it's completely unfair how she gets to crush my heart, leave me to pick up the pieces.. And then can decide to come back and try to finish the job after my valiant effort to put it back together in a way that is least intrusive to everyone, by recklessly jeopardizing my relationships with my friends, just because she's not getting exactly what she wants from her life.. But then, when was life fair?

Oh fiction, how thee torments me sometimes...

It's ironic how, sometimes your iPod tends to sense your mood and play music that you'd want to hear..you might say it's creepy even. But what REALLY tries to kick you in the gut sometimes, is the fiction... You know, the television series, the movies...sometimes even the books?

Well, I just had one such experience. I'm not going to go into the specifics, because...this relates to one thing I don't really talk about. But I will say this; it was an episode of “The mentalist" that set me off (and actually, it's been this season). And, I was watching it and thinking to myself, “Damn, he's a lucky bastard...at least HE got to kiss her..And not have to watch the whole thing!". It's creepy how fiction sometimes almost portrays your life, at a time which is significant. And really tests the boundaries of the iron grip of control you exert in yourself.

And, that is all I am willing to say on the matter. As much as I'm sure you hate me for it, while humbly apologizing, I'd like to point out that this is my blog and ergo I believe that gives me the right to sometimes be a little unreasonable and perhaps a tad unfair. That is all for now. Hopefully the next post will make sense! Till then good reader.....

How much longer?

Honestly, that's fast becoming the burning question in my mind. I keep wondering how much longer I can go on like this; just...floating...through life. I don't really crave anything anymore. Hell, I've even lost my appetite! I guess the significance of that is lost to those of you who don't know me (and if you're seriously reading this and it's not the first one you're reading, I must say I'm surprised you are, to say the least). Let me warn you though, this is just me venting..simply.

Anyway, like I was saying, I barely eat anymore (let alone crave food like I used to). I can't really find motivation within myself to do anything much anymore. Apart from being pragmatic about life, which is all I seem capable of anymore, life just...goes on. I often wonder how much longer I can do this. It's increasingly difficult. Lack of motivation is a terrible thing. Sometimes, I almost feel like I have it; like I could want something. But, it never seems to last anymore.

I find myself living in fantasies I create for myself in my head..well, perhaps “fantasies" isn't the right word. More like possibilities, in the sense that I play out various situations which may stem from a current circumstances. Highly unlikely as they are, I guess at least...they keep my mind occupied. I guess one must be thankful for small mercies.

Anyway, I guess I better get back to the drudgery (hopefully for the last time) which I am procrastinating, although I am well past the reasonable time limit to do so. I'm just glad this might be the final set, because I think I've come to the end of my tether with exams. They only serve to compound the difficulty of the already difficult existence I lead. Oh well, as they say “Life's not fair- deal with it!"

Existence

Funny thing, to exist. You survive day by day, doing what you must. Just getting by. It's not living, it's...well, it is what it is. Call it what you will. But, I guess the most bitter pill to swallow is the complete and utter lack of choice, while being fed an illusion to the contrary.

In a way, that's why the term "live your life" becomes so ironic. Because, you aren't really living, for the word implies that you have control of the whole. But if one is honest with oneself, you realise that in the grand scheme of things, you really

have no control. Because all we can do is deal with what life throws at us. Which is why I guess I can appreciate why so many people prefer to believe in God, or Allah, or some other presumably definable entity. Because there is some comfort to be had in the belief that the unseen force that governs the universe adheres to a logic which is within man's grasp. It's ironic really, because they are right in their subconscious belief. The logic isn't beyond human understanding. The sad part though, is that the over complication leads more to misunderstanding than it's actual goal. Because, if one can objectively analyze one's experiences, it becomes clear that the logic is much simpler. Balance. While how it's achieved may be beyond us, because the connections are so complex, that is the basic character of the force. For example, it will almost inevitable be those who are strong enough to handle it, who will be put in the worst situations. They are sometimes visible to others, these circumstances; but often, there is no visible sign. On the face of it, their lives seem good. Like everything is fine. No one really knows what goes on. But that is me veering off topic onto personal experience. At the end though, one must realise that whatever happens, will always be explainable in relation to balance. It may not be clear initially, or ever at all for that matter. But if something happens, it is always connected to the tapestry that is reality, maintained by the force that is balance, interconnected by the threads that are attachments. Unfortunately, this knowledge will nerve afford the comfort that can be had by means of a structured religion. But unfortunately, the fickle flower of ignorance once touched, cannot be restored.