Yet another pathetic rant...

Yes, I'm back.. Its weird, talking to yourself yet clearly pretending that someone is listening... Ah well, better get used to it I guess...

So I'm here to face facts.. For some reason I have this absurd notion that somehow, putting this down in writing will make it somehow more bearable. No harm I guess, after all we are all allowed to be human, are we not?? But then again, I would hardly be surprised if life itself has taken for granted that I am not, and ergo am not allowed to be. However, I have decided to ignore this possibility, and rant none-the-less..

So here's what I probably hate about myself the most. Its the bitterness. The bitterness at how I have been granted enough intelligence to understand too much, and hence be incapable of enjoying what I have (which probably is more than I am grateful enough for). Bitterness at how it seems that the very people who speak of how they are scared at being hurt by me, end up being on the flip side of the coin when it drops. Bitterness  because of the knowledge that, for whatever the reason, it seems I am incapable of being able to make one person happy for any substantial period of time. Most of all, bitterness brought on by all those experiences which have made this once hopeful, blissfully ignorant and happy boy into this cold, cynical, detached and numb man.

Because man indeed I am. Even though I sometimes wish to forget (my subconscious prompt of "Master" instead of "Mister" at the doctor's recently, comes to mind), it is something I cannot deny. This country drains me, and more and more I feel there is nothing left here for me here. As usual, I find myself longing for some form of motivation to keep living with some level of gusto, so that I can shut off my ever-present yet rarely pleasant train of thought and get on with this nonsense. I do, at the end of the day, in a manner of speaking as it were, but not truly.

I often wonder why, at 24 years of age, I feel like a man who has walked too many thousands of miles in the journey that is life. I have capabilities that I'm sure many people would make much better use of that I. For most, the ability to create an iPhone app within a month would be enough to make them elated enough to jump over the moon- and the chances are, that they would not have to be the only ones who are elated and proud of what they did. But then, pride is yet another emotion, is it not?? One can only mimic it for so long, till it becomes too tiring to maintain the facade..

As to the wants... I used to have many, but one in particular stood out. You might say it used to be the driving force, in a sense. What was this all consuming want?? Well, to have a family. I often used to imagine how I'd bring up my kids, pay close attention to all skills that a good father and husband should have; also, I imagined how I'd treat my wife, and how she'd be able to listen to all her friends complain about their miserable marriages and be able to quietly smile to herself because she had bagged one of the good ones- because HER husband treated her well, loved her with all his heart, respected and cared for her in a manner which left naught to be wanted. In short, I had dreams.

Yet now, I realise the truth- I do not have what a human is required to have, in order to sustain a long-term relationship with any degree of intensity beyond mere friendship. Sure, I apparently give good advice, I could probably cheer you up if you were down, I could understand and relate to your pain and suffering and empathize with you... but all these characteristics are only of any use in the event that I am needed in some way. If I am not needed, I have nothing to offer- no reason for anyone to stick around. I'm not good at pretending that life is peachy, and pretending that I like things, people and circumstances when I don't. I am not able to stomach bullshit with a smile. It takes immense effort on my part to be diplomatic in the situations where one absolutely MUST be so. So bottom line is, if I am not  needed, I am of no use. In any relationship, there ALWAYS comes a point where you are not of use, temporarily or otherwise. I believe THAT is the reason why they all left, and will leave in future. So, again, I have lost what little hope I had. Instead, I have decided to come to terms with facts.

One cursory note though- I wonder whether the fact that I do not need the other person has a role in why they leave. I guess I'll never know...

Anyway, back to my solitary existence. Thank you for being a pal, and listening; and many apologies for the many more that you will have to endure in future. Till next time..........

The good guy never *REALLY* wins...

So..... Its been a while, hasn't it?? I'm not particularly interested in analyzing why that is (at least here, and possibly for the first time), so tonight I thought I'll just cut to the chase....

I've come to the sad realization that my happiness indeed depends on someone else.. Yes, I am big enough to say it.. But unfortunately, I am also, well, me.... Possibly the world's biggest (and least known) conundrum..  Which means that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will actually ever be with anyone for a considerable period of time (the reasons for which I will explain in due course) and yet I will most likely not be able to overcome this strange, dissociative and marginally depressed mental state due in part to that very same fact, and also to the facts that a) I don't much care enough to *try*,  and b) I feel I don't really have the energy  left TO try if I wanted, anymore. "To" try what, you may ask?? Well, to try to maintain an intimate relationship of *that* kind with a female (I'm starting to not be too happy with my semi-homophobia right about now!)..

As is my usual form, I am now going to suddenly switch to the reason that I seem unable to maintain a (I-don't-mean-this-in-the-cliched-way-that-you-think) "relationship".. It seems to me that "good" is never *really* what anyone is looking for in a guy.. Sure, you ask most women and they will inevitably say something which will have you believe that that ISN'T the case, but what it seems to be (in REALITY at least) is that it never IS enough.. I've seen it happen plenty of times (personally as well) and they always say "Its me, and not you"... But the question is- is it?? Really?? Because if something happens to someone over and over, regardless of what anyone says the only logical conclusion is that that person is/ is doing something wrong.. But what can you be doing wrong, if you apparently AREN'T doing anything wrong?? The only possibility is, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, that the problem is that you AREN'T doing anything wrong...

The fact is, a majority of relationships in every shape and form (and no, I am no longer referring only to "those" relationships) are dysfunctional.. We've seen it in our parents, we've seen it WITH our parents, we've seen it here, there, and everywhere... And we always end up looking at it and thinking to ourselves "Now THAT is what I'd never want to be a part of".. But I think we must ask ourselves at this point- what if that IS what we are looking for?? That relationship which is just dysfunctional enough so that you can't let go but aren't truly fulfilled or happy being in?? Its a scary thought, but one I think we must seriously consider, especially given that it is almost ALL we can see around us, and also considering the fact that even though no wrong can be pointed out, it never seems to be enough..

And people call me the optimist! Isn't that just the icing on the cake?? One can only imagine what they must be thinking... Or, well......... I'll let you draw that particular conclusion on your own!;)

So yes, I'm starting to see it now... The good guy never *REALLY* wins, despite what the absurdly projected "humanity" fed to us via the "silver-screen" would have us believe.. So, I guess I have this one place which I can come to and voice my (pseudo) anonymous thoughts and feelings... Well, that is assuming that the big brother doesn't find a way to rob us of the few remaining freedoms we have!;) 

Hanging on by a thread......

The subject line is, perhaps, the only line worth reading; I hang on to this pointless, meaningless existence by a single fraying thread. Its funny though, how one seemingly inconspicuous strand can have the strength to hold strong against the never-ending pull towards the abyss. There are times I wonder how such a thing is possible- as if life enjoys playing it's colossal jokes on me, always providing JUST enough to know I will still be bound to it's relentless onslaught into an indefinite future.

Life in modern times has lost the "f", hence becoming a "lie" instead... It is filled with so many meaningless actions, pointless principles, unnecessary interactions; if I were to look at my day-to-day existence, there are so few things I do which are of true meaning. What begs to be asked is "why?". Why must one engage in the meaningless interactions, actions and circumstances when clearly neglecting what is really important?? Why must we be so bogged down in the never-ending deceptions, mind-games and lies with which we are forced to waste precious hours, just so we may steal a few precious moments with the people that truly matter?? When did human existence become so filled with meaningless, and more importantly when did all the meaninglessness become a prerequisite for the increasingly illusive moments of true meaning?? Is it not the ultimate irony, that we are given to the idiosyncrasies which make such futility the condition which need be fulfilled, in order to have time for anything meaningful??

Which leads to the bottom line, which defines humans in the modern day and age- we are currently a species unable to see clearly. It is a fascinating, yet profoundly sad realisation that one must come to- the fact that it is our "superior intellect" which is supposed to "encompass all other beings" which fogs our vision to the extent that we lose sight of what is important, instead being satisfied to unquestioningly accept the norms and ideologies that have been thrust upon us as being "real".

A case in point to this undeniable conundrum is the supreme fallacy which is the concept of "Religion". If one were to question the origins of religion, it would undoubtedly be the promotion of "harmony" and "civility" among us, the "intellectually supreme" of this planet. Therefore, if it had been true to its purpose, religion today would be the means for world peace, rather then the cause for war which it has unfortunately become. It is such a sad predicament we face, where people argue on whose definition of the truth is more accurate; or worse yet, whose definition IS the truth, thereby effectively falsifying any other definition of the truth - which, as has been pointed out previously, makes it the unfortunate CAUSE of war, rather than the peacekeeper that it was envisioned to be.  The corruption and greed that is intrinsic to the intelligence which our species has been cursed with, has effectively deformed the teachings of those few enlightened ones, to the point that they have become all but completely unrecognizable as compared to their origins. As such, what we are left with is competing, supposedly universal "truths", rather than symbiotic definitions of THE one truth which are able to harmonically co-exist within the diverse sphere of humanity, catering to the many and varied intellects and circumstances.

For one truth indeed there be, which none of the religions or philosophies have accurately and completely encapsulated. This inadequacy is, however, to be expected- what is unfortunate is the magnified significance that these concepts have been given, in order to facilitate advantages to the few at the expense of the many; and, to put the metaphorical "icing on the cake", the famous phrase used when exploiting these advantages is "for the he greater good". Is it not fascinating, the myths we allow ourselves to be deluded by??

But then, I have been (and unfortunately always will be) the idealist- or mayhap idealist is not the accurate term (something akin to "euphamist" being more accurate)? Maybe life would have more meaning if we were not forced to be overly concerned about all the things that truly mean nothing in the greater scheme of things?? Be that as it may, what IS, is far from what it should be.. Or maybe I have yet again allowed  my definitions to blur my vision??

Out cold....

No, this is NOT about how drunk I was last night (although TONIGHT might be a whole other story!!;)).. As has, unfortunately, become my nature as time passes me by, the topic is more an indication of the general tone of attitude. So just be warned...

I've been away for too long- so many times my desires to come here and jot down some of my numerous takes on various situations have been unfulfilled due to the general pace of life, and also technological difficulties (more like "difficulty", specifically the malfunction of the previous version of the editor in this site!), but mainly I guess its the anti-social sentiments which are creeping in on some unexplained level. Long story short, this post is way overdue (even though it won't really attempt to minimize the effects of the absence).

This is probably the paragraph where I whine about life in general, only..wait- I don't feel it anymore.. Quite honestly I'm moving towards not having the energy or the inclination to bother complaining anymore. The general sentiment is cold indifference, and a lack of energy or inclination to even care about THAT: the cold indifference. If not for one particular facet of my life (which I am unscrupulously under-emphasizing due to various reasons which, yet again, I do not wish to discuss- go figure!), I probably would be past feeling the need to blog, which actually would have been scary not so long ago; but not anymore.. What it means, even I'm not aware of.. Only time will tell I guess....

Life goes on.. I no longer look ahead, or behind.. Its supposed to be the most "healthy" thing to do/be/feel (delete as applicable), but its unnaturalness is leaving me feeling anything but. Now its more of a "take each day as it comes", with the inclusion of "and don't give a shit". So who am I to argue with the authorities on the subject, who insist that that is what one should do, right? Of course, I wouldn't mind a little smidgen of positivity that this mentality is supposed to be accompanied by, but hey- whats new?? Life has never been in a generous mood when it comes to giving me my due.. Or maybe I just have set my expectations too high? (which would be ironic, considering that I can't discern what my expectations ARE anymore, leave alone evaluate the feasibility of the same).

I'm waiting for the day when I can get back to a semblance of "normalcy" which I have a vague recollection of once able to hold on to. But my fingers aren't crossed. It may come, it may not; quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So we'll see how it goes.. Hopefully, I will be able to "pen" more "mundane" and "normal" posts in future. Till then, this will have to suffice..

Hiding in plain sight

There are so many different kinds of people.. I could characterize a few, add an 'etc..' at the end and pretend that it more than scratches the surface of the diverse physiology that we call 'society'; but I fail to see the point in it.. So I think I'll do what (I hope) I do best, and just leave it undefined, as only I feel befitting. So its needless to say that in this diverse social ecosystem, there is very little that can be said to be constant. Yet to those like me (if indeed there are others like me, which is a question for another day) there is one thing.. Each individual, has an identifiable individual persona. I'm sure this is possibly one of the most controversial statements of the year, perhaps one might say even the decade (or millennium, whichever one prefers), but there it is.

What exactly am I saying? Well, its unlikely to make much sense however much I try to explain it if it doesn't as yet, so I'd be wasting anything more than a few words. Those few words are, that I see people as being specific, individual yet identifiable persons. Each has their strengths, their weaknesses; in essence the good and the evil, if you are one of those who prefers to so categorize. But there is a certain certainty, if one is able to see it. It may not be definable, and even when you've identified it, it maybe difficult to believe it AS being identified, even to oneself. But certain, it is.

So where am I going with this? Well, this is merely background to the society in which I live; and it is also the reason why I don't fit. What IS this reason? Well, NOW we come to the title- because I'm one of those people who hides in plain sight. To the normal observer, I'd be seen as a loud mouthed, happy, positive, extrovert (among other things, such as a garbage disposal for any kind of decent edible items- which ironically, is possibly the truest thing about me!;)). Not that all those things are not true. But where the hiding part comes in, is when I'm seen as being defined by those characteristics. It is generally assumed that due to those (most obvious) characteristics that I am in fact an open, easily understood, overly happy individual who cares about what everyone thinks and craves attention. But this couldn't be further from the truth (and yes, this IS indeed a self-indulgent rant; but seeing that this is my personal space, I believe I'm allowed to do just that!)

I am not easily understood- this particular point has been proven over and over again, in multiple (and sometimes painful) situations. It is a reality that I've come to terms with. Those few who bare with the complex mess that I am will always have a special place in my affections- they deserve that at least! I am FAR from overly happy- sure I try to make the best of what I get, but that comes from multiple disappointments in life in the form of a constant feeling of inadequacy, wasted potential and general inability to live up to expectations. My way of dealing with it is accepting it- maybe I'm a coward for accepting it, maybe I should work to change it, but I'm so tired. I've not lived not much more than a quarter of my expected existence (which, might I add, would be much better if much shorter) yet I already feel like an old man- weary and tired of it all. But yipee for me, I have a whole life to look forward to! *insert adequately smiling facial expression here*. I honestly care so little about what people think, that I'm sure the general population at large would have severe insecurities if they see my REAL reaction to what they are saying/doing/ trying to say/do. This is not to say I don't care about what ANYONE thinks or feels- on the contrary, there are some whose thoughts and feelings I sometimes care about more than my own. But it is but a fraction of the people who I actually come into contact with, so I feel that the generalization is not unjustified. Most importantly, I do NOT crave attention. This is possibly the hardest to believe of all things if you know me, but it is true all the same. I would MUCH rather be one of those people who is left to his own devices, who might as well be a fly on the wall and whose actions people don't notice ALL.THE.TIME. But alas, as the saying goes, 'If wishes were horses, beggars would ride'!

So as you can see, I am indeed hiding in plain sight- which is probably the reason I can relate so much to what I now consider to be a dramatic (though slightly deviated) representation of me. Its ironic that this person would be cast as a serial killer, and how he struggles to cope with the slow demise of his desensitization. True, I am not a serial killer (yet, because one never knows these things) and this is probably why I am not privileged with the desensitization to be able to lose it. However, it is something I crave. It would be so much easier to cope, if one did not have to care about others. But there you go, that is the curse those few mis-fortunate of us bear. Which is why I see him as merely an alternate reality to myself- a different set of circumstances, and viola! We'd have a living breathing version of the world's favourite serial killer! I honestly would love to meet the guy who created the character- I would love to know how he came up with the idea, and why, and how it is that his character could be so disturbing and intricate yet believable. So much goes against the stereotype of what people believe as being 'good', but somehow I find myself relating more to a character on tv than I'd believe was ever possible. And here's the 'killer'- that there are people out there who know I feel this way, and don't seem to mind. I'm sure some just don't realise the gravity of it, but I do know that there are yet others who do, and still accept. Its such things that still leave me with a sliver of hope as to there being beauty in humanity, when you filter out all the shit on the surface. It also begs the question if its time humanity as a whole started to seriously re-evaluate its 'moral' ideologies, and indeed if morality should hold such sway in our existence. But that, is a story for a different day.

So what is it that I have in common with a fictional serial killer? That we both hide in plain sight. True, what he's hiding is much more potent; yet it is also identifiable- me, on the other hand, I make no effort to hide, yet hide I do. Where he would WANT his real personality to be invisible, I would rather mine not be. Ironic isn't it? But then again, irony is to life, what oxygen is to humans- so no surprises there.......

To be human..

There are so many things people take for granted about themselves.. The more 'natural' and 'mundane' the particular quality or trait, the less people realise the possibility of losing it.. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if what I'm about to say qualifies as one of those things, because it is so basic and intrinsic of human nature, that it may not (under normal circumstances) be something that can disappear.. Yet this is, once again, about me- and I'm not sure I quite make the cut for 'normal'- that may very well be an unattainable promotion..

What makes us human? Some say its the ability to feel another's pain.. Some say its to not be perfect.. Others have so many varying and sometimes contrasting views, that I do not quite care to list them down.. But the question is, what about the ability to be affected by what happens to you? Is that an essential requirement of being human? Empathy is most often thought to be a true human quality, but empathy is the ability to feel for someone else.. What about for oneself? Is it necessary? What if one loses that ability, to be affected as one should? What then?

I've always known I was different.. Always felt a bystander, a person pretending to be who he technically is.. I can feel another's pain, but I'm beginning to lose the sensation of my own.. My reactions to events have become just that- reactions.. Rather than create a chain of emotion of either happiness or sadness, there is only the initial reaction- which lasts maybe the length of time it takes for a small nap, like a thread desperately grasped at which nonetheless slips through my fingers.. I know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, and how I'm SUPPOSED to react.. The problem is, day by day, I feel more and more that its becoming harder and harder to be what I'm SUPPOSED to be.. 

All my life, I've felt like I'm not supposed to be here- like I'm some colossal mistake, or some cosmic joke.. Just some prank or the result of a misguided attempt at a quick fix on some mega-scale system failure.. I used to have dreams, which I felt were the only way I could still keep believing myself to be just like everyone else, and somehow feel like I have a place.. Now it seems painfully obvious that I need to accept reality.. I am who I am, and whatever I believe, I can't change it.. I will always be the exception, never quite understood, and (as alarming as this last one is, especially) fast losing my ability to actively participate, since it seems more and more that my feelings are merely a mimic of those which belong to people around me, and not entirely my own; my own seem to be lost.. Honestly, I wonder if I'm still ABLE to feel, for myself; If I have any emotions left, emotions that go further than automatic initial reactions which die no sooner they appear.. Its the equivalent of a dead limb moving when prodded, only to fall back to its original position; dead, cold, and dysfunctional.. I'm not even entirely sure thats a bad thing, or if there IS a good and bad anymore.. I've been given a life (for whatever the reason) and I've to do whatever necessary to maintain it.. That seems to be all I know anymore.. I guess as always, I shall accept it, and move on.. For there is no point in lusting after what clearly is not supposed to be mine.. 

To those I love; an apology...

In life, there is no such thing as "black and white"; so much confusion do cause the 14 shades of grey with which our lives are coloured, once we start to see clearly. But thus is to be human. Right and wrong for a particular action or circumstance change with time, and one comes to accept that we are but human, and cannot do more than try one's best not to hurt the ones we love.. Yet, it seems that we do just that.... And with time, as circumstances change, we realise that we have done things which we wish we hadn't, yet knowing all the while that only hindsight is 20/20; and that we would do the exact same thing in the same circumstances, if we were made to decide once again. Yet, the problem lies in the fact that even knowing that we could not have known better, and even though the ones we care about will always forgive us (because such is the nature of love), the hardest part is to forgive yourself....

I used to be in a relationship, and in "love"; and as is the way with such a state of mind, this led to decisions which I wish I could reverse now; decisions where I had to choose, between the people I care about the most. So many, that I have lost count. This is so, in the light of the knowledge that what I (reasonably) expected to happen in the future (at that time) will not. But, two in particular stand out. Of these, however, I will elaborate on one, which is what sparked this train of thought…

When you are in a relationship, it is always difficult to reconcile the object of your affections with those few people you hold dear in your life; this is especially so when one such person is of the opposite gender. Unfortunately, this was just one facet of my troubles when it came to this particular topic; but it is always especially difficult to be in a relationship, when one of your best friends is a girl, and I was no exception to this rule.

On this particular day, which I had spent almost entirely with my partner at the time, I had promised my best friend mentioned above to come over for a dinner with some of our friends. What I did not know was that she had taken the extra trouble of preparing pasta (that being one of my personal favorites); from scratch. We had already discussed this (my partner and I), and I was supposed to leave at a certain time; but she asked me to stay. If you have been in that situation, you will know the underlying dynamics of the question. I stayed. Sadly, I can’t see myself as having chosen any different at the time. Yet, I wish I hadn’t, now, as it will always be one of those days that I let my best friend down. I will always remember the disappointment in her voice when I told her I won't be able to make it, which is when I realised how much it meant to her; for me to have been there.  She understands now, but that does not change anything. It is what it is, and I shall always be sorry….

So this is to her and Ammi... For all the decisions which hurt them, which I wish I could take back, and for which I will be eternally sorry.... I wish I had known better....