Hiding in plain sight....

Possibly the most glaring realisation that I have come to as of late, is how little *everyone* around me seems to *really* know me. I don't profess to be the most sociable person, but I feel I am perhaps one of the most honest and straightforward. Despite that, and I don't mean this the way that most pseudo-"misunderstood" people out there mean it, no one knows me..at all. Its amazing how more often than not, people choose to ignore direct words you use to answer their questions, preferring instead their ill-begotten yet evidently more "accurate" conclusions which they have drawn based on the assumption that I am just like everyone else. I guess you can deal with that, as long as the people you still love understand you enough to not make you feel alone...and by alone, I mean truly alone. Not alone technically, but alone none the less; because if no one can see you for who you really are, that's exactly what you're left being.- alone. But then comes the day, that life suddenly decides to "gift" you with this rude awakening; when suddenly the answer to the question "Does ANYONE know me?" is a loud resounding "No". 

See, its not for the lack of effort on my part. I have, thus far, been open and honest with everyone, to a fault even. But it seems like everyone chooses to hear and understand what they want to. I don't blame them, but it tires you out with time. Especially when you can so easily see how little they really get you. As I grow older, rather than being understood better, the opposite is true. And then one day you realise that if you are concerned about what they are going through, almost nobody even realises that you haven't opened up to them, and that maybe something is terribly wrong with you too. Its like you're living life covered by this invisible, semi permeable membrane which allows everyone else to let you in, but doesn't allow anyone else in: basically, one way traffic. The worst part is, you've to keep all this to yourself, because no one will understand.

I realise that I've started to talk to myself sometimes, out loud, when I'm at home. The reason for this is possibly because of some subconscious mechanism to reassure myself that I still have a voice. Most probably not too healthy, but....meh.  I think its time to finally let it all go. To not hold on to this desperate hope, which I've been in denial about even harbouring. And since I seem to have been doing it all these years, despite my efforts to the contrary, I might as well accept it and do it right from now on; I think its time to stop letting people see even hints of what lies beneath,  and just stick to playing the part to a fault. Its time, to don the disguise fully, and *really* hide in plain sight...

"Here....we....go!"

So here we are... New year, new start, new beginning...blah blah blah. 2012 came and went, and not even a hint of the soon-to-be-forgotten "apocalypse". I had a lot to say yesterday, but as seems to be the trend as of late with me, most of it is gone. Maybe I'll come back and re-hash the attempt to record those thoughts when and if they return.

Anyway, I'm trying to not get sick of this year as soon as it starts- which, sadly, is difficult. Its not the best feeling to come into a new year hung over with the residual issues that you didn't really have time to deal with last year. In a way though, I do feel a modicum of calm setting over me, which should coalesce into determination to carry on. I guess we all need our moments to just grieve, hurt, feel down and out and utterly hopeless. Necessary evil, if you will. Then eventually, you get tired of feeling that way, at which point you find a way to delude yourself into believing everything is hunky dory, and life's good... I hope. I still feel terribly tired. The terrible monotony that life is now for me, can be terribly taxing. I guess maybe what I need is to be surprised, to see something which I wouldn't have seen coming and can't understand... maybe. If not its difficult to keep up the pretense of being interested in everything that goes on with everyone else, especially when it is all like one big theatrical performance in which though I am an actor, I am also a detached spectator. I guess I crave to be more like everyone else; able to indulge in delusions (since unfortunately they ARE delusions, and the innocence to think otherwise is lost to me), able to not always need to do the right thing. Its a sad place to be in when you begin to resent your own absurdly over-bearing sense of moral responsibility. Ah, well, what's to be done eh??

Anyway, to all of you who don't have to worry about such useless sentiments as these, and who lead "normal" life, here's sincerely wishing you all a Happy New Year! I just hope you are able to realise how lucky you are to be able to just live life, with "normal" issues and "normal" tendencies towards happiness and sadness, rather than detachment. Also, as a good friend of mine said, be glad to have survived the apocalypse and yet another year of Justin Beiber! *wink*.

Being powder.....

To each of us, there are certain cinematic works which stand out, not so much because of their thematic brilliance, or fantastic execution, but because, once in a while, you see something on screen that you can relate to, on a profound and personal level. Recently, I came across just such a movie.

The movie is about a boy, nicknamed 'powder', from which it derives its title. Of course it must be borne in mind that most cinematic narrations are generally an over-exaggeration, most often to the point of absurdity, and this is no exception. But then you start to realise that the over-exaggeration is merely the director's attempt to make sure that his point gets across, even if it sometimes feels like a gross insult to the viewer's intelligence. That however, is a cursory point. so let me move on to what I wanted to write about, in my usual over complex and cryptic manner.

I'm not going to spoil the movie by divulging the plot line (because I think its something that's worth watching for anyone), but to summerize, lets just say this boy is different in every way possible, to everyone else. Of course, the script goes to the extreme of depicting him as a hairless albino in order to underline the alienation aspect, but given his 'abilities' it might actually not have been necessary. Ultimately though, the movie is a stark insight into what someone could go through if they were to see things as they really are. And it is at bringing out this particular point that the movie excels, in my opinion. Because ultimately, humanity is one big mess of floundering individuals unable to comprehend what exactly they are a part of. Everyone has their own interpretation of what they experience, which unfortunately seems to depend more on convenience than the result of a search for understanding. Whether this is due to lack of capacity, or the inherent materialism that we so easily slip into, is a question left to be answered; but either way the result is the same.

The aspect of this which, perhaps, struck a chord best with me was how the majority that is adherent to this gross naivety is so large, that it almost entirely consumes our race; so much so that it is almost impossible for anyone who sees beyond what everyone else sees, to really be a part of the reality around him. That is when the madness of it all is TRULY comprehensible. This is also the point at which you realize that the naivety is perhaps the more desirable option, which is ironic considering that it is most often this very enlightenment which everyone seeks..

Which brings me to point number three- is being different a 'gift' or a 'curse'? The interesting thing is that anyone who is considering the question from the point of someone who isn't really invested or a subject of the question, would jump to the conclusion that it is indeed a gift. So much so, that what I'm saying now (if properly understood) could even possibly be considered boastful and condescending. I'll reserve my opinion on the point, only requesting that the next time you're faced with a similar question where you're considering it as a subject rather than an objective third person, consider if and how your opinion differs from that of an objective third person.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't be suprised if none of what I said made any sense. Its quite possible, because (like so many other things I seem to go through) it may very well be impossible to grasp any of this if you haven't experience it. Because at the end of the day, there is a stark difference between 'understanding' technically, and true understanding. But that, is a discussion for another day....

That's all folks- show's over.... Nothing left to see here...

One could say that at the conclusion of what is considered an "achievement" in one's life (this being most often based on public perception for verification), it is only natural to be jubilant. For you have "achieved" something- finally, all the hard work has paid off. It is also natural to anticipate such feelings, to eagerly await the end, as motivation to push through the middle- in fact, the end being most often the sole justification for the toil. That is what is natural...

So here I am. Within this year alone I have developed an "app" for the iPhone within a month with no programming knowledge whatsoever (although only a prototype), appeared on national television playing one of my most prized possessions (although only to accompany my talented best friend), and successfully completed my degree in law (yes, again, although after 5 years as opposed to the "Normal" 3).... all arguably "achievements" in the sense that the word is most commonly used, and therefore I should be.....what again?? I forget sometimes, in the sense I have to actively remind myself. I know I should be feeling happy, and elated, and jubilant (ah, I remember now!) but apart from the relief (which, granted, was only natural and to be expected), I feel...nothing.

I've been waiting for the relief to give way to the celebration, but the celebration seems to have deserted me. Quite honestly, the heading of this post sums it up. Its not that I'm being negative, no... that's not it. Negative would be if I were looking at all that I ave "accomplished" and asking such questions like "what was all this for??" and "what is the point of all this??". Its just that I've come to this point where it just becomes something I've done, because I had to/ because it was the most prudent thing to do, at that time. After they are done, its a "Ok, that's done- what next?" sort of mentality. Mechanical, in a way. I remember a time when this used to upset me. Not so long ago, to be honest, contrary to the impression my articulation of that last sentiment would indicate. It is indeed interesting, albeit in an arguably morbid, introspective manner.

I am comprehending day by day what it means to let go of worldly attachments, and how to do so would rob existence of its necessary nature. When you no longer have such attachments, what used to be important while they were prevalent are no longer so. It is amazing how much our perception of ourselves and what different things "mean" to us is dependent on what we are attached to. Attachment of course is a term that, in these circumstances belies the deep nature of its meaning. Perhaps the most compelling attachments we form are relationships with others, second only to the attachment to the "self".

You see, I have always had a problem with the attachment to self. I remember when I was young, my voicing this particular sentiment resulted in perhaps the most harsh and vociferous reaction my mother has, what is the term, made? So I learn to keep it to myself because I realised that it was not a "natural" or explicable sentiment, let alone "acceptable". This is perhaps why I feel my attachment is dependent on my relationship with others, and why perhaps I somewhat desperately pursued love. I guess I knew, even subconsciously, that I would need a bond that strong to find meaning and motivation through this.

However, (and this is where I would have used a term like "But alas" in preference to however), I have now understood that I am not, how would you say it, "built" for a relationship of that sort. I have tired of attempting to explain this to anyone, because automatically they all jump to the usual conclusion that this has to do with the emotions which I had to deal with consequent to the failed relationships, and quite frankly I have no patience nor the inclination to explain to them that they are wrong, and that my reasoning is far more rational than something so trivial. Anyway, at the end of the day, what does it matter really, whether anyone understands or not? So like many other things about myself, I have decided to keep that as well, to myself. "Each man for himself and God for all", and all that nonsense. Maybe, however, one of these days I shall attempt to articulate it here. Who knows, maybe the effort will pay off if I can actually direct people to that post when put in a situation where I am forced to explain this "issue", as they would see it.

In conclusion, there you have it... That's all folks, show's over- nothing left to see here....literally........

Yet another pathetic rant...

Yes, I'm back.. Its weird, talking to yourself yet clearly pretending that someone is listening... Ah well, better get used to it I guess...

So I'm here to face facts.. For some reason I have this absurd notion that somehow, putting this down in writing will make it somehow more bearable. No harm I guess, after all we are all allowed to be human, are we not?? But then again, I would hardly be surprised if life itself has taken for granted that I am not, and ergo am not allowed to be. However, I have decided to ignore this possibility, and rant none-the-less..

So here's what I probably hate about myself the most. Its the bitterness. The bitterness at how I have been granted enough intelligence to understand too much, and hence be incapable of enjoying what I have (which probably is more than I am grateful enough for). Bitterness at how it seems that the very people who speak of how they are scared at being hurt by me, end up being on the flip side of the coin when it drops. Bitterness  because of the knowledge that, for whatever the reason, it seems I am incapable of being able to make one person happy for any substantial period of time. Most of all, bitterness brought on by all those experiences which have made this once hopeful, blissfully ignorant and happy boy into this cold, cynical, detached and numb man.

Because man indeed I am. Even though I sometimes wish to forget (my subconscious prompt of "Master" instead of "Mister" at the doctor's recently, comes to mind), it is something I cannot deny. This country drains me, and more and more I feel there is nothing left here for me here. As usual, I find myself longing for some form of motivation to keep living with some level of gusto, so that I can shut off my ever-present yet rarely pleasant train of thought and get on with this nonsense. I do, at the end of the day, in a manner of speaking as it were, but not truly.

I often wonder why, at 24 years of age, I feel like a man who has walked too many thousands of miles in the journey that is life. I have capabilities that I'm sure many people would make much better use of that I. For most, the ability to create an iPhone app within a month would be enough to make them elated enough to jump over the moon- and the chances are, that they would not have to be the only ones who are elated and proud of what they did. But then, pride is yet another emotion, is it not?? One can only mimic it for so long, till it becomes too tiring to maintain the facade..

As to the wants... I used to have many, but one in particular stood out. You might say it used to be the driving force, in a sense. What was this all consuming want?? Well, to have a family. I often used to imagine how I'd bring up my kids, pay close attention to all skills that a good father and husband should have; also, I imagined how I'd treat my wife, and how she'd be able to listen to all her friends complain about their miserable marriages and be able to quietly smile to herself because she had bagged one of the good ones- because HER husband treated her well, loved her with all his heart, respected and cared for her in a manner which left naught to be wanted. In short, I had dreams.

Yet now, I realise the truth- I do not have what a human is required to have, in order to sustain a long-term relationship with any degree of intensity beyond mere friendship. Sure, I apparently give good advice, I could probably cheer you up if you were down, I could understand and relate to your pain and suffering and empathize with you... but all these characteristics are only of any use in the event that I am needed in some way. If I am not needed, I have nothing to offer- no reason for anyone to stick around. I'm not good at pretending that life is peachy, and pretending that I like things, people and circumstances when I don't. I am not able to stomach bullshit with a smile. It takes immense effort on my part to be diplomatic in the situations where one absolutely MUST be so. So bottom line is, if I am not  needed, I am of no use. In any relationship, there ALWAYS comes a point where you are not of use, temporarily or otherwise. I believe THAT is the reason why they all left, and will leave in future. So, again, I have lost what little hope I had. Instead, I have decided to come to terms with facts.

One cursory note though- I wonder whether the fact that I do not need the other person has a role in why they leave. I guess I'll never know...

Anyway, back to my solitary existence. Thank you for being a pal, and listening; and many apologies for the many more that you will have to endure in future. Till next time..........

The good guy never *REALLY* wins...

So..... Its been a while, hasn't it?? I'm not particularly interested in analyzing why that is (at least here, and possibly for the first time), so tonight I thought I'll just cut to the chase....

I've come to the sad realization that my happiness indeed depends on someone else.. Yes, I am big enough to say it.. But unfortunately, I am also, well, me.... Possibly the world's biggest (and least known) conundrum..  Which means that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will actually ever be with anyone for a considerable period of time (the reasons for which I will explain in due course) and yet I will most likely not be able to overcome this strange, dissociative and marginally depressed mental state due in part to that very same fact, and also to the facts that a) I don't much care enough to *try*,  and b) I feel I don't really have the energy  left TO try if I wanted, anymore. "To" try what, you may ask?? Well, to try to maintain an intimate relationship of *that* kind with a female (I'm starting to not be too happy with my semi-homophobia right about now!)..

As is my usual form, I am now going to suddenly switch to the reason that I seem unable to maintain a (I-don't-mean-this-in-the-cliched-way-that-you-think) "relationship".. It seems to me that "good" is never *really* what anyone is looking for in a guy.. Sure, you ask most women and they will inevitably say something which will have you believe that that ISN'T the case, but what it seems to be (in REALITY at least) is that it never IS enough.. I've seen it happen plenty of times (personally as well) and they always say "Its me, and not you"... But the question is- is it?? Really?? Because if something happens to someone over and over, regardless of what anyone says the only logical conclusion is that that person is/ is doing something wrong.. But what can you be doing wrong, if you apparently AREN'T doing anything wrong?? The only possibility is, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, that the problem is that you AREN'T doing anything wrong...

The fact is, a majority of relationships in every shape and form (and no, I am no longer referring only to "those" relationships) are dysfunctional.. We've seen it in our parents, we've seen it WITH our parents, we've seen it here, there, and everywhere... And we always end up looking at it and thinking to ourselves "Now THAT is what I'd never want to be a part of".. But I think we must ask ourselves at this point- what if that IS what we are looking for?? That relationship which is just dysfunctional enough so that you can't let go but aren't truly fulfilled or happy being in?? Its a scary thought, but one I think we must seriously consider, especially given that it is almost ALL we can see around us, and also considering the fact that even though no wrong can be pointed out, it never seems to be enough..

And people call me the optimist! Isn't that just the icing on the cake?? One can only imagine what they must be thinking... Or, well......... I'll let you draw that particular conclusion on your own!;)

So yes, I'm starting to see it now... The good guy never *REALLY* wins, despite what the absurdly projected "humanity" fed to us via the "silver-screen" would have us believe.. So, I guess I have this one place which I can come to and voice my (pseudo) anonymous thoughts and feelings... Well, that is assuming that the big brother doesn't find a way to rob us of the few remaining freedoms we have!;) 

Hanging on by a thread......

The subject line is, perhaps, the only line worth reading; I hang on to this pointless, meaningless existence by a single fraying thread. Its funny though, how one seemingly inconspicuous strand can have the strength to hold strong against the never-ending pull towards the abyss. There are times I wonder how such a thing is possible- as if life enjoys playing it's colossal jokes on me, always providing JUST enough to know I will still be bound to it's relentless onslaught into an indefinite future.

Life in modern times has lost the "f", hence becoming a "lie" instead... It is filled with so many meaningless actions, pointless principles, unnecessary interactions; if I were to look at my day-to-day existence, there are so few things I do which are of true meaning. What begs to be asked is "why?". Why must one engage in the meaningless interactions, actions and circumstances when clearly neglecting what is really important?? Why must we be so bogged down in the never-ending deceptions, mind-games and lies with which we are forced to waste precious hours, just so we may steal a few precious moments with the people that truly matter?? When did human existence become so filled with meaningless, and more importantly when did all the meaninglessness become a prerequisite for the increasingly illusive moments of true meaning?? Is it not the ultimate irony, that we are given to the idiosyncrasies which make such futility the condition which need be fulfilled, in order to have time for anything meaningful??

Which leads to the bottom line, which defines humans in the modern day and age- we are currently a species unable to see clearly. It is a fascinating, yet profoundly sad realisation that one must come to- the fact that it is our "superior intellect" which is supposed to "encompass all other beings" which fogs our vision to the extent that we lose sight of what is important, instead being satisfied to unquestioningly accept the norms and ideologies that have been thrust upon us as being "real".

A case in point to this undeniable conundrum is the supreme fallacy which is the concept of "Religion". If one were to question the origins of religion, it would undoubtedly be the promotion of "harmony" and "civility" among us, the "intellectually supreme" of this planet. Therefore, if it had been true to its purpose, religion today would be the means for world peace, rather then the cause for war which it has unfortunately become. It is such a sad predicament we face, where people argue on whose definition of the truth is more accurate; or worse yet, whose definition IS the truth, thereby effectively falsifying any other definition of the truth - which, as has been pointed out previously, makes it the unfortunate CAUSE of war, rather than the peacekeeper that it was envisioned to be.  The corruption and greed that is intrinsic to the intelligence which our species has been cursed with, has effectively deformed the teachings of those few enlightened ones, to the point that they have become all but completely unrecognizable as compared to their origins. As such, what we are left with is competing, supposedly universal "truths", rather than symbiotic definitions of THE one truth which are able to harmonically co-exist within the diverse sphere of humanity, catering to the many and varied intellects and circumstances.

For one truth indeed there be, which none of the religions or philosophies have accurately and completely encapsulated. This inadequacy is, however, to be expected- what is unfortunate is the magnified significance that these concepts have been given, in order to facilitate advantages to the few at the expense of the many; and, to put the metaphorical "icing on the cake", the famous phrase used when exploiting these advantages is "for the he greater good". Is it not fascinating, the myths we allow ourselves to be deluded by??

But then, I have been (and unfortunately always will be) the idealist- or mayhap idealist is not the accurate term (something akin to "euphamist" being more accurate)? Maybe life would have more meaning if we were not forced to be overly concerned about all the things that truly mean nothing in the greater scheme of things?? Be that as it may, what IS, is far from what it should be.. Or maybe I have yet again allowed  my definitions to blur my vision??