You talk to God? Well, I talk to the universe....

I do. I really do. I in actual fact look up and complain to the universe about the seemingly absurd bad luck I am often faced with. There are times when I look up and say "Really? You're doing this to me? NOW?". So I can completely understand the need to put a face, and a name, and create some form of image to this external force which maintains the balance in the system we are all a part of. So arguably, I am speaking to what some of you refer to as "God". It seems like the same thing, and in a certain sense it is. I am also venting my frustrations and looking for solace outside the realm of reality I perceive.

There is a difference though. I know that the system will not listen. I am completely aware that the things that are happening have a complex relationship to phenomena which I may or may not see, and am possibly unable to grasp at this moment. I am aware that this is not based entirely on my actions, that the current situation is what it needs to be to maintain the balance and equilibrium of the system and is not open to suggestion. I feel that keeps me firmly planted in reality, and it also does not allow me to blindly (and futilely) rely on this non-existent possibility of direct influence. However, it does remind me why so many need their "God" or "Gods". I can appreciate that it is neither as important, nor as practical as it is for me, to constantly be aware of my mammoth perception. I also in no way judge such persons, except when they attempt to assimilate in me what is actually THEIR need for such a belief.

So to conclude, I am in no way saying that I have an ethical, moral or logical issue with those of you who talk to God. In fact I can relate for reasons stated above. I do however take issue the moment you start to not accord me the same curtsy. I will also admit to an automatic reaction of cringing every time God is referred to in what I can only refer to as a personified form. I will however keep this to myself, because I realise that this is my own opinion. And yes, that was a very pointed hint.

Finally, you have your beliefs, and I can respect that. I do however humbly ask that you accord me the same curtsy.

The "love haze"... Yay or nay?

So as a little background/explanation, this is a term which was used by Stana Katic (as Kate Beckett in Castle) in explaining that phase in which someone who is in love with another initially is completely devoid of logical sense. Its referred to by many names (my favourite being "rose coloured glasses") but if you have been in love at any point, you know what I'm talking about. Its that bubble we get into where we just don't see things clearly- at all! I know I've been there. I have made....questionable....choices, completely missed and sometimes even blatantly ignored details that actually were of very high importance, personally. It probably has something to do with chemistry, and the chemicals which are released when we are in love (which, incidentally, if distilled would possibly form a very potent weapon for debilitating an enemy's thinking capacity! *wink* ) but the fact is- we are just idiots when it comes to that person initially. Though I say "initially", it can last QUITE a long time.....possibly, even years!

Through experience though, if you are aware of this, you can actually curtail the effects of this phase. So here's my question; how necessary is this phase for a successful relationship? Now I know that the first thought that will cross your mind is that it is DEFINITELY not necessary. But hear me out. Given how everyone is looking for what they want, and what works for them, and given how in order for a relationship to work (unless you are really lucky), there needs to be compromise, what is it that actually drives us to take the plunge if not the haze? So, my argument is that maybe the love haze is necessary to make us actually consider a relationship and not just give up the second that things aren't quite what you expected/wanted. Because if there wasn't something scarring our logic, how would most of us ever compromise?

Of course, there is a downside. The haze (as I shall refer to it) is possibly the reason most people have a completely warped image and expectation of their partners. It possibly is a leading factor for most divorces, overly short relationships....etc.

At the same time though, I feel that it is still necessary. I don't think a relationship is based on logic or rationality. I don't think you should approach it with calm, collected thoughts and analysis. I'm not saying you should just jump in the proverbial well, but at the same time some you might need to try to climb up those steps with your eyes closed. It needs to be a decent mix of logic and just blind chemical attraction. If not, its guaranteed to end, prematurely, and likely not in a pleasant way. What are YOUR thoughts on the matter? Would love to hear them!

Thoughts on selflessness...

Before I begin, I'm sure anyone who reads this is thinking that this is a myth. That humans cannot be selfless. You know what though? I disagree. We can, and some of us have a predisposition to be. I will however say, such people are rare....as is becoming increasingly obvious.

To clarify, I don't think this is necessarily something that is desirable in and of itself. In fact, its something that if left unchecked, takes a huge toll on a person. I know this through experience. I have taught myself to evaluate people, and first asses whether someone is worth caring about, given the price it generally entails. So this has made me into someone who will do anything for the few people I care about, often without considering the cost to myself. In the other extreme, I have learned not to do things for anyone else if it will negatively impact  my life, which can sometimes come off as me being cold and detached. It is, however, the only balance I can maintain. Also, to be honest, I couldn't care less what random people think of me.

This is not something I have considered solely from my perspective either. If I consider everyone I know well, I can honestly say I know two people who are truly selfless. One is my mother, and the other I'd rather not mention. What I have seen though, is how they both suffer/ suffered because of their selflessness. Its sad, but when you are surrounded by people who most often ONLY consider things from their perspective, the likelihood of being taken advantage of, and being taken for granted is absurdly high. People also have a very deplorable quality of forgetting a million positive things, rather choosing to define another person by their worst moments. I don't think I need to elaborate further, as the implications should be fairly clear.

Most of the above was a result of one of those lonely moments, plus a family function and a.....memory. Which got me to wondering; does that mean that, the only people that a selfless person can depend on is another selfless person? Think about it....if a person has a predisposition to put people they care about before themselves, logically the best match would be someone who would do the same. That way, the relationship would be one where both people would put the other above, or at least on par, with themselves. Which, is a very scary thought given how few and far between such people are. Doesn't bode well for my "future prospects".

The irony is that, this is probably reading like a very self-righteous and egotistical rant although it is possibly the opposite. Contrary to popular belief, selflessness is NOT a good thing, particularly when it is the inherent reaction. Like all other things, it must be done in moderation and it is difficult when you are built to question any selfish act.

Also, its hard to fight the feeling of alienation. Its difficult to feel part of anything when, what could be called a basic human instinct (i.e. Selfishness) is lacking. I try to ignore it, and I try to pretend otherwise, but deep down that feeling of not belonging is infinitely hard to shake, given how deep seated it has become. Whenever I am not distracting myself, I wonder what I'm doing here. Because everyone around me is strange, and they seem to be a part of something I am not. Sure I understand, and sure I am good at pretending. Sometimes though, I cannot help but face the fact.

Ok, done with the vent for today. So till next time......

Relatability

So, I've been thinking (shocker), and I have come to yet another "realisation" (surprise!). *smirk* Seems like its time that I abbreviated that sentence into an acronym, so that I don't have to type it out as often as I do.

Anyway, getting back on point. Had a chat with a close friend over social integration, group dynamics and general alienation. Then, that evening I watched the latest X-men movie (which, by the way, I felt was pretty good. Satisfying, even with the liberal interpretation of the comics). These things, coupled with most of my romantic entanglements, and evaluating my friendships made me think about how and why I am where I am. Not that I am complaining, because honestly I am not. It is what it is, and what it is would be negative only when you choose to see it that way. So I choose not to, rather seeing it as just a fact. To clarify, I'm referring to the alienation.

To give a somewhat brief explanation, I have always felt (and still do feel) like a completely solitary, detached person. Most often I see life, including my own experiences, in the third person. In fact, so much so that I wonder why everyone around me sees so little. Maybe its paranoia, maybe its a delusion, but...that's how I feel. Now this is not to say that I am perfect, and that I am incapable of being human. Because I am, as I am reminded in the most inconvenient ways sometimes! The fact remains though, that I feel that way a fraction of the time that most people do. 

So moving on to the realisation. I am different, to everyone, because as explained earlier I am what you may refer to as an oxymoron- full of contrasting characteristics. This means that I have certain attributes which contrasts drastically from each other. At best, there are a rare few who MAY relate to me in those particular ways (bear with me, that wasn't it!).

Now the thing about humans is, that each individual wants to be unique. Everyone wants to FEEL like they are different. Its not enough that they are, by definition and in reality. They want it to be tangible. They want to feel special, and like they are not really part of the crowd. This has the effect of individuals latching on to any seeming deviation from the norm that they see in their characteristics, and developing that trait. They go so far as to build a self image based on this, and adopt attributes which align with this image. Then you add the fact that everyone wants a partner who they can relate to, so they prize someone who is unique in the same way. This is all well and good, if they meet someone who has adopted the characteristic like they did. Unfortunately, that is not me.

I am the person who has those characteristics by default, organically. When they meet me, they initially think "Oh! Someone who understands me, because he feels just like I do!". So its all well and good initially, because there is distinct overlap at the outset. This eventually changes though. Eventually, the difference between the organic and mechanically-adopted characteristic come to light. They realise that they didn't REALLY feel that way, because they cant relate to how the organic version of that characteristic manifests. So they re-evaluate themselves, and realise that they actually can't relate.

So here lies the problem. I live in a world where people subconsciously adopt characteristics which are not their own. This is because of some misguided need to feel different in a tangible way. This is not me venting, nor me being upset about it, because I understand. I do, however, sometimes wish it wasn't the case. I sometimes wish that people were more aware of themselves, and had a more accurate self image. I say this especially for selfish reasons, because I would have options in meeting "someone" (I think you know what I mean). I also wish that people would go about life in a more matter of fact way, without aspiring to be something or someone they feel they OUGHT or would LIKE to be, focusing instead on who they actually are. It seems so pointless. Granted I used to wish that I was not so unique, and granted I probably have moments when I still do. Still, I realise what IS, and have worked at accepting that, and to a great extent I have been successful at it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish there were more people who were closer to that, where I am; having a more accurate image of themselves than they do.

I have, however, accepted and come to terms with this as well. This does not frustrate and upset me like it used to, which I am infinitely glad about. I have decided to embrace my solitude, and enjoy the detached perspective it offers. Makes my life a lot less complicated, and allows me to focus on living in the moment (yet another agreeable concept which is propounded by Buddhist philosophy). So that is my realisation, and how I choose to deal with it. I hope you enjoyed the read! So till next time.....

The (material) things I want in life....

So I decided, lest I forget, to make a list of things (material) which I want (but don't need)... Perhaps it will be interesting to revisit this in a few (or many) years. So here goes (in no particular order);

1. Acrhtop guitar and a solid body (ideally a Les paul, most likely a replica).
2. Bass guitar.
3. Guitar amplifier.
4. Piano.
5. Saxaphone.
6. Long bow/ re-curve bow/ both.
7. A katana.
8. A Longstaff.
9. A decent knife collection (Every-day carry, tactical, hunting...etc).
10. Digital SLR with a 50mm prime lens (or equivalent if full frame), and at least a 18-300mm lens (or a combination of 18-200 and something which goes up to maybe 400mm)
11. a) A Ford mustang (initially wanted a 1967 Shelby GT 250, but since the new line is looking more classic..perhaps latest model?). Note: Highly unlikely, but...oh well, one can dream, yes?
11. b) A Nissan GT-R35 (slightly more likely than the Mustang).
11. c) A BMW M5 E60 (This is the most likely one- Also the ideal car, realistically).
12. A decent liquor cabinet.
13. A workshop with woodwork tools, electronic tools and possibly metal-work tools.
14. A Mac (unless the iPhone loses its confounding popularity, in which case... This will be down to a maybe).
15. A beach-front holiday bungalow.
16. A Nakamichi sound system (or, if there is something which can compare at the time, that.).


Yep, as at right now, I believe that covers it. I shall update if and when the need arises, with indication as to updates. I figure, I'm probably going to have to give the whole "buying my happiness" business a shot, so....perhaps its a good idea to have an outline to work with! *bared-tooth-grin*

So yes, that is, as at now, a list of things I want. Lets see how far I get before I'm....50? So till next time....

I believe....

So, I felt it time that I try articulating what I believe. I have developed a certain idea of what I feel is reality. It is based on observations I have made, and comparative analysis with structured religions (which, obviously, is my personal opinion). So lets see how well I manage.

I believe that there is, and can only be, one truth. I feel that all religions and philosophies are merely an interpretation of that one truth. I believe this, because I have managed to draw analogies between all major religions and philosophies I have been exposed to. Granted this is limited, but I am fairly certain that I can do the same with any others I encounter, given that I have time to first grasp the concept of said new philosophy/religion. I also feel that Buddhism, rather the core concepts of Buddhism, are the closest to that truth as can be found among those widely accepted. I believe this because it seems the least worried with explanation of why, focusing more on "what is". I feel the best approach to life is to observe, and try to understand based on those observations. I also believe that there are different levels to how much we understand based on our idiosyncrasies, personal experience and perceptiveness (among other things). The more a person is able to perceive and process such perception, the more they are able to understand. I also believe that finally, true peace within oneself can only be had by oneself, and that it is inherently a completely solitary and personal journey. That is not to say a person does not need other people, nor that people should never have an influence. It is rather to say that whatever circumstance we are in, it is finally up to each person to make the effort to understand what interpretation of reality works best for them. I believe the less one is willing to take on the challenge of doing so, choosing to believe based on what others have taught and essentially being lazy, the more said person is likely to be further from inner peace and true understanding.

So now let me make an attempt at explaining my philosophy. To clarify, this is not meant to be something new or inventive, and it borrows from many others. It is merely my personal interpretation and belief, which I feel essentially has transcended current structures; not because it is more developed, rather because I feel it cannot be adequately narrowed down to ONE of the particular structures completely (although Buddhist philosophies come pretty close). Here goes......

I believe that everything is connected, and that all we see and perceive is interconnected with much we don't. I believe there are things we don't perceive, mainly because we are limited in our ability to perceive due in part to a lack of sensory capabilities, intelligence, and also how much we allow external factors to influence our perception. I feel that everything is one structure, and that the driving force of this structure is that it always seeks to find balance. The scale of this structure I believe exists is vast, and perhaps beyond the scope of human intelligence; but perhaps it is not. I believe that thought has value and substance, and that it is more powerful than we understand- I feel that thoughts can influence, even without it being converted to action by the thinker. I believe that the mind is more powerful than most people understand. I believe that most humans are blind, floundering around in their ignorance born mostly out of their laziness to take the trouble to understand, which leads to self involvement and selfishness.

I believe that a person is powerful, the degree depending on how much they understand themselves and what they perceive. I believe we, each one of us, is capable of making our lives into what we want, provided that we can understand ourselves and our circumstances to the level that we can be comfortable with them and start to see the greater picture. I do believe though, that each person has a path which is somewhat predetermined, based on their evolutionary state. To explain this further, I believe that we each have an essence, which (for brevity) I shall refer to as the soul. I believe this soul is, from the moment it sprang into existence, on an evolutionary journey to permutation, into another...soul perhaps? (That is one current limit I have place on my scope of belief). During this journey, I believe that the soul is continuously transmuting into different existences and physical manifestations. I believe that this life I now lead is just one such, in that cycle. I also believe that everything is a cycle, which goes on throughout the ages. Always connected to everything, one large structure, perhaps without end. I also believe that our evolutionary state decides the depth of which we need understand this structure, and once each soul finally understand its true reality completely, its journey ends.

I also believe there is much we FEEL we understand, but do not; because, some of our understanding is mechanical and not organic, therefore not TRUE understanding. If you have got this far down this post, I will also now add a couple of fictional references which have had a profound impact on me, on differing levels. The movies "Cloud Atlas", "The Matrix", and the fantasy-fiction series of novels by Robert Jordan (and later Brandon Sanderson) called "The Wheel of Time". Cloud Atlas gives one an idea of the vastness and cyclic nature of human existence in the grand scheme. The Matrix questions ones perception of reality (both being the work of the Wachowskis). The Wheel of Time is a fantasy take on the interconnectedness and unbiased nature of the structure within which we exist, and how our actions while having consequences, will always be essentially based on what must be in order to maintain balance. If this sounds interesting, and you haven't, I'd suggest you at least watch the movies and MAYBE consider reading the series.

Finally, I believe that for the first time since I reached maturity physically and mentally, I am at peace with myself and the perception of my reality. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, around half a decade, and part of that (towards the end) was darkened by depression. I am glad to say that I finally feel that I am past that, and I have found a balance, for now. I also plan on maintaining that balance at all costs, and I am prepared to work towards that end. Why do I say this now? Because, the concepts and ideas which preceded that observation are the things I believe helped me reach where I am today. Perhaps, within this post, you will find something which leads to YOUR truth. So till next time....

P.S.- To my new Sri Lankan reader, who seems to visit every so often.... Hello! I hope you enjoy my ramblings, as a few others seem to! ;)

What I want...

I think I know what I want. It doesn't seem like much, and in a sense, I guess it's just a basic human need. I'm not a demanding person, so I don't often want or need much. I'm strong, self sufficient, and generally a positive influence on everyone around me. I try my best, and generally give everything my all. I care about people, and I'm very careful with their emotions and feelings. That's not to say I'm perfect, but at least...I feel I give it my all, enough so that I am the best I can be.

But what I wish is that someone, just one person, would see that, appreciate it, and decide that they want to be there for me. I want someone to, for once, be willing to do for me what I am willing to do for so many. It would make everything so much easier and more worth while, if I could just feel like I'm not alone. Sadly I know since this is me we're talking about, that's a seemingly impossible ask. I get that, but I hate that it is that way. I don't see why I have to be the one who will always give, but never be able to expect in return.....even if “return" is someone simply taking a chance and being willing to be there.

When I say "be there", that's not to mean I have no one- because I do. I have been blessed with a few amazing people in my life, who are generally around. But, that's not the same as one person deciding that they will be there, exclusively for you. That they are taking a chance on you, and regardless of whether they will practically be able to be there when you need them, that they have decided that they will try. Because honestly, all I'm asking for is someone who WANTS to be there, and tries as best as they can. Even if she fails, the very fact that she wants to, would be enough. The very fact that I won't feel bad to reach out to her when I'm feeling low, and hopeless, that is pretty much all I ask for. For that, I'd be willing to give her the world. I just wish that wasn't asking for too much.

Indigo

So, I randomly came across the phrase "Indigo (Children)" and did a small internet search. While to anyone who cannot relate to this it will sound fantastic and highly implausible, I think this is something that can actually help people who DO resonate with it (like myself) better understand themselves. Its a bit uncanny how accurate most of this is (in my case)!

http://www.sophiagubb.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-indigo/

A note on self.....

So, here I am again. As usual, felt the need to jot down my somewhat more useful thoughts/ realisation on myself. Hopefully, it will better help me deal with my future relationships, especially those that get particularly intimate. Only time will tell I guess.

So I have come to realise that, in being so externally focused, that is to say by being someone who is constantly thinking about everyone and everything around him, my defining and possibly only constant characteristic is dynamism. By dynamism, I am not referring to the romanticised notion of the word the corporate hierachy subscribes to, but the actual meaning of the word. I literally adapt to everything any everyone around me, for as long as I can. Anything I feel I can't, I swiftly move away from. I don't try to change it, although sometimes moving away precipitates a change in dynamic. But I am definitely someone who adapts to what is, rather than try to create/ expect what I want something to be. Just to be clear at this stage, I am merely making an objective analysis of how I am, rather than singing my praises (because quite frankly it is just a fact, neither negative nor positive as a whole). I think this, to a large degree, is the reason I am so misunderstood most of the time; and most likely why a select few people who have thought they understood me, who I thought understood me, turned out not to have. Because, everyone looks at how you are in the circumstances they perceive you in, and eventually categorises you in a particular way; not realising that what they saw is just one facet of who you are. And soon, they cannot see beyond that, and the moment I adapt to any change in circumstances, they no longer know anything about me or what to expect, although they do EXPECT to know. Which, needless to say frustrates me no end. 

I do not know how to explain this to anyone. Indeed I don't know that it is something that CAN be comprehended by others, let alone be explained. I fell though, that finally I've come to accept that. I feel like I am slowly getting used to the idea of never quite being understood. It is starting to be ok. Which gives me a sense of....peace. Its a nice change from the constant frustration and confusion over wanting to be understood more than anything else, but constantly doomed not to be.

And in case this hasn't been clear before, I am who I. I have been, am, and always will be a "take it or leave it" deal. And it IS a one off deal. The moment I feel discarded, I move on. It annoys me no end when someone discards me, then later realises they aren't ok with me dropping out of their lives, and try to hold on to something that is lost. I cannot stand denial, especially when I have to deal with it.It irks me. The worst part is you can't really solve the issue without being direct, and when I'm direct about something that irks me it is rarely....pleasant. I wish people would take more time to take stock of how things are, understand it and not act in their blissful ignorance. Sometimes, it even goes so far as being dense, which irks me more because it is so inconsiderate. Meh. If I let this get to me, I will be terribly irked too often.

Why am I so complicated? Damned if I know. Do I care anymore? No, not really. In a sense though, it SHOULD be easier to understand me- unless you want me to be predictable. Which, when it really matters, I almost never am. But what I've realised is, everyone wants predictability. Everyone wants definitions, and expectations, and stability. The idea of something or, god forbid SOMEONE who is too dynamic and adaptive to be predictable and static would be so unnerving, it is beyond the grasp of everyone I have so far met. This can even be seen in the general drive of the general populace towards organized religion/ philosophy (both of which I am increasingly becoming disillusioned with). 

In conclusion, that is pretty much the gist of what I wanted to say (maybe slightly more detailed than absolutely necessary, but...I am not going to apologize for that! *tongue out*). So, till next time.....

On letting go.....

So, thought I ought to pen (well, lets go with the term "pen" shall we? ) some thoughts on the concept of letting go... I know it seems to be a very simple concept on the surface, but there is a whole lot more to it. So lets see where this leads....

The concept of "letting go" is quite central to the Buddhist philosophy. However, I've come to realise that perhaps it is not as simple as it seems on the surface. Why do I say this? Well, let me try to explain.

So letting go seems simple enough, right? It basically means rather than holding on, you let go. Like you would a a piece of rope, or any other physical possession. Or, it could extend to something metaphysical, like a thought; or an emotion. It could be a combination of both, such as a connection formed with another human. Those are perhaps the hardest to let go of, probably because as explained it is both a physical as well as metaphysical; physical in how that person affects your day to day existence in a practical sense, and metaphysical because of the various emotions which said person invoked which, obviously, was very desirable. So what's the fuss? Well, for starters, letting go is not merely the ACT of letting go, but also (and perhaps more importantly) the mental state where the thing in question is no longer an attchment. THIS, is much deeper and decidedly more difficult than the act of letting go. If you've ever been in love, and can remember what it was like immediately post break up, you'll know how it felt impossible to let go at the time. Perhaps it took longer than "immediately after" to be able to even consider letting go. Either way, it is accepting that what was can no longer be, which is the hardest part.

Now, to explain this next part I must diverge a bit from the main topic. If you consider the use of any skill, there are two elements to it; first, you must fully master the skill and only THEN can you use it productively and advance further in your ability. It is the same with letting go. When I first grasped the concept in an organic sense, I came to value it as one of the most potent means of dealing with life in general- it was what kept me sane. I must say, to a great extent, I feel I have truly mastered this skill; and I will attest to its effectiveness, and how it really gives one strength to deal with almost anything. However, like with everything else, it must be carefully used.

In time, as more and more traumatic events started to build up, I kept letting everything go. This worked, at first. But after sometime, I started to realise that I was losing the ability to hold on to ANYTHING. Which obviously led to a severe case of existential nihilism and depression. Losing the ability to hold on, to automatically have a knee-jerk reaction of letting go at the first sign of any pain, that is....unhealthy, to put it mildly.

So where is the medium? How does one effectively implement the art of letting go? Well, what I have found is that while the ability to let go is a tool of empowerment, it must be something well within one's control. This in turn led to another observation, regarding my past. I have come to realise that when you let go, forgive and understand every single time, or at least too often, that is the most surefire way of being taken for granted. While theoretically one must not care about such fickle things such as appreciation and respect, in reality it IS indeed necessary for one to carry on. Which is how I have come to realise that sometimes, you must NOT let go. You must hold on, even if it means that you make a nuisance of yourself, even if it would be easier to just let go, because sometimes its important to make a statement; to stand up and be demanded to be taken note of. So you must not ALWAYS let go. You must be able to understand it, and not let it control you. Dealing with my family I now realise that I have "let go" of too many things, and that it is too late to fix them. I have, however, realised the value in trying none-the-less. As such, even at this late stage, I hope to be more in control of my ability to let go. I hope I will not go down that dark road again, that road where I almost lost myself; not because I was holding on to fruitless things, rather because I was unable to hold on to anything. I lost myself to the extent that I am still finding my footing, and adjusting. So, I am finally learning to say no, to stand my ground, and fight for the things that I find are unreasonable or wrong.

So, through the smattering of personal experience, I hope I have elaborated my point on the complexity of the concept of letting go. So, as always, till next time.....

Learning the art of selfishness.....

SO! Finally, after ages, a post in a positive vein. I'm sure you're scratching your head right now, given the title, but bear with me and all shall be revealed! (Well, not all...but some! ;) ).

So after a slump that lasted for FAR too long, which (albeit necessary) was seriously making me wonder if I'd ever rise up again, here I am. I doubted because time after time my attempts to stand were met with universal blows to the head; again, and again, and again. But FINALLY, I can honestly say I have dealt with my past to the best of my abilities, and managed to dodge the last blow I received, in a manner of speaking. When I say dealt with the past, I mean that I have come to terms, understood, and learnt the lessons it offered as at right now. This is not to say that my defense mechanisms have changed, nor that I expect my past to STAY in the past, because lets face it; to expect such would be beyond naive.

So on to the realisation that has, in a sense, liberated me. I realised, that I was no longer in control of my own life. This to a large part had to do with what I constantly complained about, which was the lack of self. This in turn led to a level of selflessness which was so detrimental to me that I had come to accept that I could not expect to find any happiness. And I had accepted that I was unable to find any "want". This is partially true, but I have also realised that "want" need not be a specific definable thing. Sometimes, when you can't quite get yourself to want something specific, you must resort to other things, things less defined. Things which you know that, although it is hard to articulate, you do in fact want. It is in this way that I came to the realisation that what I wanted, was to be in control of my own life; and just to be myself, the guy I know I am, and just to be ok. For a change, after a space of time which extended FAR beyond what it ought.

It is only when I started doing this that I started to realise not only how little the new people in my life had gotten to know me, and also how even my close friends had all but forgotten that part of me which was probably one of the things that drew them to me in the first place- my unflappable spirit, whatever the circumstances. Well, when I say "Unflappable", obviously I mean my ability to make the best out of any situation, and motivate everyone around me whatever their circumstances. I had gotten so used to disassociating that with my own feelings that I'd come to a point where my motivation had become hollow and hypocritical, and didn't even notice that the separation had broken down. I'd become SO unhappy, that everyone around me had forgotten that I COULD be happy, let alone what I was like when I was happy. This was obvious when my friends started asking me what I was on when I started cracking jokes again, and generally started being positive. Which is when it finally hit me just how low I'd sunk.

Thing is, I needed that. Life had gotten too much to handle, I'd stayed strong FAR beyond the point at which I should have broken down, and I needed to deal with it. I didn't ball my eyes out, but the tears finally came. It was still somewhat muted, but maybe that's all that I need. Because I was ready to cry if I needed it. Either way, it was the beginning of the final, successful rise to my feet. And I can say, after a long time, that I feel good. And I am not letting anyone or anything take that away from me, not for a while. Come what may, I will do what is best for me, and no longer put everyone and everything before myself. I think its time that I started, and the fact that I feel I finally can is............liberating.

So I guess I am learning to be selfish, in a sense. I know selfishness is given a distinctly negative connotation, but as with everything, it should be seen to be what it is; nothing more, nothing less. And what it is, is necessary. In moderation, true, but necessary all the same. So I have decided. I've been on my belly long enough. I've been in my black hole so long I'd forgotten what it was like to know light, let alone see it. So its good to be finally rising out of that cave. After about four years, I think its time. And I can finally say, I am in control. So here's hoping that there are more of these posts to come! ;) Till next time......

The price of Apathy.........

I sometimes worry that my mind is losing its edge due to severe apathy. I find myself increasingly struggling to find focus, and also I notice that I miss things which I never used to before. I guess its a struggle to maintain the dichotomy between approaches to one's personal and professional lives. Its not as easy as flipping a switch, at least not initially. Looks like I need to find a way to create that dichotomy, for if not my professional life, which has so far been the inadvertent focus of my existence more or less, will suffer.

It really never ends. You'd think the less you want the easier things would become. You'd expect being someone who expects little, if nothing else would at least be able to go about his life in peace. Apparently not. Apparently, even the apathy comes at a price. The question is whether that price is negotiable, and if not...am I willing to pay it? And if I'm not......where does that leave me?

Everything........and nothing

So here I am again. Typing into a blank space on a screen, speaking my mind to the only thing that won't attempt to understand what exactly I am saying and thereby avoiding the slight twinge of frustration at not being understood despite the efforts made to the contrary (I say twinge because that's as much as I can seem to care these days). I seem to have developed a severe apathy to life and all things around me, which makes things.....difficult....to put it lightly.

See the thing with apathy is that it leaves a void so crushing that one must struggle to go about the mundane daily rituals of ordinary existence. It divorces you from any minor sense of connection you might have felt before, instead leaving you with the tiresome sense of....being where you least want to be; stuck in an existence that you are forced to continue with because unfortunately there are certain inherent characteristics within yourself which does not allow you to end it. Therefore you just....carry on. And I do not believe I need to explain the issues of such a set of circumstances. Or maybe I do, but then again, in that case it will be beyond comprehension anyway ergo a futile exercise.

Analysis of this apathetic mind-set is what brings me to the title of this post. See, generally, there are various reasons for apathy (which a quick internet search will reveal to any who are interested). However, like most other things, little if none of it applies to me. As usual, there is nothing...normal...that can be pointed to. Sure, there are things which get to me; and probably chief among them would be, being taken for granted at every turn. I understand that it is partially my fault for allowing it to happen, but at the same time there is a point at which everyone needs to start realising that they are being unfair. Just because I can handle a lot, doesn't mean you should just keep piling things on me. That's the equivalent of destroying your best knife while the worst ones rust due to lack of use. The more logical thing to do, albeit requiring slightly more effort, would be to use each knife for the tasks it CAN handle, rather than burdening the toughest with EVERYTHING. Which, essentially, is what I have come to feel most often. But there are ways and means to fix that if it comes to a head (because no, it hasn't...yet), the question being when. But that is still not THE reason for the apathy. That answer is too complex for me to bother to articulate, as it (as explained earlier) would be yet another fruitless endeavor. But I will get to the point which I was trying to make, which is what I seem to have become (or maybe always was...one never knows).

I am everything....and yet I am nothing. I know that sounded like some zen philosophical statement, although that was far from the intention. I am merely stating what I feel like. I say I am everything, because I feel that I am actually able to be and be whatever I want to be. I do not take pride in that fact, because that is all that it is- a fact. To be treated neither negatively nor positively. Which in a sense, makes me everything. But this leads to a certain paradox, which is that it becomes impossible to give me any sort of label. To give one example (albeit an oversimplification that insults the depth of the premise which I am trying to explain) in school I was too sporty to be a nerd, and too book-oriented to be a jock. Which meant that I was neither. Meaning that I had no place. Which essentially, on a very basic level, sums up my existence. Nether here nor there. Showing characteristics of both, but never truly belonging to either. Its ironic in a sense, if you think about it. People fight, tooth an nail, sometimes sacrificing their lives, to escape from a label. If you don't see the joke in that, then I will clearly be left laughing to myself. *chuckle*

Well, I could go on, but I think I have laid down the substantive core of my premise. Its one of those "You either get it or you don't" kinda deals, so I shall leave it at that. So till next time...

Bone weary...

Be forewarned, today is yet another vent... Yet another “last resort" ramble, which is all I have at this moment in time..

I feel so tired.. The grind, it seems so....endless. That, however, is not even the main reason for the exhaustion. I feel exhausted, because I have to fight for everything. Every day is a battle. Every step is hard. There are days, like this, where I wish for nothing more than an end to all this. When you have to fight for every minute detail, every seemingly insignificant little thing, including so many basic things that every one around you takes for granted, you keep asking yourself why- and what for. And to me, increasingly, the answer seems to be a big nought. A zilch. A zero.

I generally manage things well with my detachment. It helps me cope with so many things. I always try my best, to do the right thing, especially by everyone. And to possibly the greatest extent possible, I have managed. But, contrary to what we are brought up to believe, it doesn't change anything. And however hard you try, life will always throw something at you which will make living difficult and complicated. You can never come to a point of balance and stay there for long, because there will always be something.

Like people who suddenly decide to pretend things are different from what they are, despite their actions to the contrary, just because they have found some semblance of balance. Or people who continue to hold on to things they know are gone, and which deep down they know are less than what they deserve, and choose to ignore the better thing that is staring them in the face. Or people who think they know you, and who think that you are simple, and who think they are opening up to you, not realising that they have that feeling because of quite the opposite.

And, there will always be the people who need me. At a point, that used to give me purpose. But I am beginning to resent these seemingly desirable traits I possess. I am beginning to resent my inability to be selfish; my inability to walk on the wrong side of the line to get what I might dare to want; my inability, most of all, to WANT, because it has become so ingrained in me through experience that nothing I want will I ever get. So instead, I find myself stuck in this void, this meaningless existence, unable to find reason, yet knowing that I will not let go. That, like a cockroach, I will survive. To continue to be misunderstood, and never seen for what I am. Always alone, alienated, never really part of this...life.

How I wish I could be ignorant. Unable to comprehend, unable to see, like so many around me. But as they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride...".

Crawling...

Back to you, my old (and possibly only) friend. As...ungrateful as that may sound, it increasingly feels like the truth. I find myself drifting, but unmoving..

So...New year...another one..joy! -_- The title pretty much sums it up, I guess.. That's what life has come to feel like.. Just existence, just because. Makes everything a chore. And makes one so...tired. But sadly there is that knowledge that you will go on for as long as you have to.

Also, as fucked up a realisation as it is to come to just days before a new calendar year, I've come to realize that I am increasingly finding it impossible to pick myself up and join in the festivities, no matter who I'm with. And I realise how little..rather, almost no...“hope"...I have. It's come to that point that anyone telling me about having hope for me annoys me to the hilt. Sigh.

It really sucks, being hardwired to be unhappy so long as you're alone, yet being so much a freak that you are, indeed, alone. How ever many people care....And are around you...And want to be there for you..because sadly, the feeling rarely, if ever, goes away. And it becomes increasingly difficult to keep the mask on. And console the people who care, and assure them you are ok. And socialize...especially with people who are demanding.

I could go on, but what's the point? Even ramblings have their limits. So till next time...